


Erebor Inc.

by hawksfromhandsaws



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: AU, Alternate Ending, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Alternate Universe- Always a Different Gender, And it's set in modern times with Erebor as a Company, Book Spoilers, Canon - Book & Movie Combination, Canon - Movie, Erebor is a bank and Smaug merged the shit out of it, F/M, I suppose it's more movie canon, In which Biblo is female, Rule 63, Still I plan on interspacing my favorite book moments the movie left out, With lots of sarcasm, and cynicism, fem!Bilbo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-04
Updated: 2015-08-23
Packaged: 2018-01-07 01:22:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 32
Words: 54,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1113842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hawksfromhandsaws/pseuds/hawksfromhandsaws
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set in modern times, Thorin Oakenshield is the disgruntled heir to the banking conglomerate Erebor Inc that has been taken over by Mr. Smaug of DragonFire (We burn up the competition). He is in need of a code breaking burglar which he finds in the reluctant form of Beatrice Baggins. She agrees to this insane adventure as long as she can make snarky comments the whole way and be a general pain in his ass.</p><p>Feel free to comment! I promise to respond to each!</p><p>Also, all rights to the master Tolkien and the creative tweaks of Peter Jackson and Company. Thank you, Mr. Tolkien for all the magic you have created in our lives.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Meddling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A horde of men invade Beatrice Baggins' kitchen at the behest of her meddling grandfather, Gandalf. And she meets the heroically tragic and annoyingly arrogant Thorin Oakenshield.

Beatrice:

Alarming curses and bangs filtered into the living room from the apartment’s small kitchen, but I blocked them out in favor of concentrating all my ire and growing worry on the man in from of me. If there was any justice in the world, he would have caught fire from the power of my stare alone. Well, maybe my stare could have singed his beard at the very least. After all, it was bad form to set family members alight.

“Why is my kitchen full of strange men, Gandalf?” He had never responded to the usual Grandpa or Gramps or even Old Guy, so my siblings and I had come to an agreement with him for Gandalf. Apparently it was from some book or another.

“I thought you liked visitors! Though you don’t seem to have had many lately. You’re hospitality skills are a bit rusty.” Blue eyes twinkled with merry innocence as they considered me. I’m much shorter than my grandfather, having taken after my father’s side in looks and build. Hell, even his beard is taller than I am- an enormous tangled mass, that combined with his cheery eyes and penchant for charming his way out of trouble, reminded me rather strongly of Dumbledore at times. See, I read.

“Gandalf...” I growled.

“Oh, hush. They’re an entertaining bunch. And I would have thought you’d be glad to see your old man. I haven’t seen you since the holidays.”

I sighed and accepted his hug. The familiar scent of pipe smoke, wood shavings, and an indefinable scent that was his alone, made me agree. “I missed you, Gandalf. You know you’re always welcome here.”

He seemed to take my affection for acceptance because he beamed and headed back to the kitchen. “Good, good! Let’s have some more food and get down to business as soon as our last friend arrives. Bea, why is your fridge so empty?”

Resisting the urge to roll my eyes, I shrugged. “Student loans don’t exactly lead to a well stocked kitchen, Gandalf.”

The eleven other men, draped and seated on various pieces of furniture and countertops all looked at me reproachfully. Apparently that wasn’t a good enough excuse to deny them dinner. I considered them all for several seconds, imagining Mother turning in her grave at the lack of hospitality. I swiped my cell phone from the counter with many mental curses in the direction of my grandfather. “I can call for takeout. I hope you all like Chinese. That’s all I can afford.”

Cheers went up around the room, almost deafening me to the sharp knock that came from the front door. Gandalf heard, however, and his expression turned uncharacteristically grave. “He’s here.”  
Well spotted, Gramps. I swallowed the comment and answered the door for what would hopefully be the last time tonight. Was it too much to ask to have a simple, quiet, solitary dinner after a hellish day at work?

A crash from behind me made me jump. “Sorry. Was that vase expensive?” One of the men, Kili or Fili maybe, hissed. Apparently it was too much to ask. Maybe this new guest would be the short and to the point and I could still salvage some of my evening.

Unsociable, me? Never.

In the slightly seedy hallway, the man stood out like a diamond amongst manure. It wasn’t so much that his clothing was that high end for this part of town, actually his shirt and pants had seen better days, but something in his bearing warned me that this was not a man to cross lightly. Control, responsibility, and absolute capability, along with a heavy hitting dose of arrogance, were etched to every sharp line of his face.

I have a knack for reading people, and I was unsettled when those blue-green eyes slammed into mine. The force of his personality nearly knocked me sideways- here was a man used to being obeyed- and beneath the layers of confidence and a hard working code, he was driven by old pain. And desperation. More than a little startled, I started to close the door when I felt Gandalf’s presence behind me.

“Ah, Thorin. About time you made it.” From the tone of Gandalf’s voice, I knew he too could feel this man’s inner conflict.

This Thorin didn’t look away from me. He cocked an eyebrow in a subtle bid for entrance though the force in his gaze told me in no uncertain terms that he was coming inside whether I liked it or not.

Deep breaths, I told myself. Deep breaths. When I felt my tone could pass as civil, I let go of the door. “Please, don’t let me stand in your way.”

“I thought you said this place would be easy to find. I got lost. Twice.” Deep, rich and powerful, his voice washed into the living room.

“Yeah, and I bet you didn’t stop to ask for directions. Men.” I muttered under my breath, left to close the door as Gandalf and the newcomer headed for the crowded kitchen. “Did any of them bother to call ahead? To explain themselves? No. Couldn’t even be bother with a simple ‘thank you’ or ‘lovely home’. Hah.”

Gandalf stuck his head around the corner. “Bea, we need you. Things to discuss, and the evening is wasting.”

Pointing reluctant feet forward, I experienced a sinking feeling I sometimes had when dealing with my family. It’s not that I don’t love them, but we get along best from a distance. Half a country usually kept me free from the worst of their meddling. And speaking of meddling, Gandalf was the Chief Meddler. I had even gotten him a mug with that on it. It was his favorite cup.

“Never be afraid to embrace what others see as your faults, Bea.” He had told me years ago.

I had a feeling that mug had only encouraged him to expand his efforts beyond the family. “Coming, Gandalf.”

The assembled men considered my grandfather. Thorin spoke for them all. “Gandalf?”

The old man puffed out his chest proudly. “I wouldn’t have any of that grandfather nonsense. So I went for a solid name. And a damned good reference. All at the same time. Multitasking is an important trait. I have it much like Bea’s great-great-great uncle, Bullroarer, they called him, who, in World War One, charged the enemy lines near the trenches and with one great swing of his weapon, knocked the German leader’s head clean off. It soared into the air, and down a rabbit hole. Won the Battle of Ypres and solidified the popularity of golf at the same time.”

That story became more and more incredulous each time I heard it. “I don’t think they’re interested in our family history.”

But the men all roared with laughter, thumping the countertops with their fists until the cheap formica threatened to crack. All except Thorin who leaned against the opposite wall and considered Gandalf with a slight smile.

Losing the last of my patience, I waited for them to subside before speaking in the small lull, “Gandalf, what are all these men doing in my kitchen?”

He smiled at me. “They’re in need of your help, Bea.”

Uh-huh. Twelve full grown men were in need of the assistance of a young, struggling woman, the highlight of whose social life was a tub of ice cream and a new movie with her cat. Perhaps reading my disbelief, Gandalf nodded at Thorin. “Let me introduce the leader of our Company, Thorin Oakenshield.”

Horrible suspicion flooded me. I stared, open mouthed at my grandfather, not caring that everyone was looking at me. “No. Absolutely not. Everyone, get out of my apartment, please. Now. I don’t know what you’re planning, but I want no part of this.”

Thorin Oakenshield. Everyone in the city knew his name. Dispossessed heir of Erebor Inc., the largest banking firm in the north. Some whispered that his grandfather Thror, CEO of the company, had been murdered by the man who took over the company and merged it into his own, DragonFire Ltd. But no spoke openly about such ideas, not even here, far removed from the banking center. Mr. Smaug, the sole owner of DragonFire was infamous for his temper, penchant for cruelty, and financial deviousness. That and his hatred of anything that might harm his ego, upt o and including, whispers about his bloodied hands, his apparent obsession with gold bricks, and Thorin Oakenshield. The two had a mutual hatred that was one for the history books.

Gandalf held up a placating hand. “Bea, I haven’t asked you to do anything besides listen.”

Yet. Still, I knew that tone. Best not to argue until I had all the facts at my disposal. I crossed my arms and glared at the room at large, waiting.

Thorin seemed to share my dislike of the situation. “You said we were to meet the last member of our team. No insult to your family, but your granddaughter looks more like a grocer than a burglar, Gandalf.”

I wasn’t sure which annoyed me more, his insinuation that I didn’t look up to snuff, or his self-righteous tone. My tongue hit the back of clenched teeth as I tried to remind myself that twenty-somethings did not stick their tongues out at random strangers, no matter the provocation.

Terrible power overtook Gandalf’s expression, all the warmth and gentleness replaced in the blink of an eye by inflexible strength and coldness. “Bea is the best there is. The less she looks like a burglar, the more effective she can be. Not to mention that Smaug dismisses women out of hand and has never heard of her before since she took her father’s name. All of which gives us a distinct advantage.”

“Not if I’m not coming, it doesn’t.” I said firmly. “It was lovely to meet you all, but I think it’s time I have a family discussion with my grandfather before I kill him.”

The man in the ski hat grinned at me. “Maybe you should save those homicidal urges for Mr. Smaug, chiefest and greatest calamity of our age.”

“Since I won’t be getting anywhere near Mr. Smaug, I hardly see why I should waste a perfectly good murdering mood. I have the outfit already picked out.”

Gandalf frowned at us both. “Beatrice. Sarcasm has its time, don’t overuse it. As I was saying, we need someone who knows the systems well enough to get in and get out while we provide a distraction, leaving no tracks behind. Also, we need someone who Smaug would never suspect. This is the only way to get the Arkenstone and defeat Smaug.”

Several grumbled curses fell from Thorin’s lips, but he said nothing more against Gandalf’s judgement. “Fine. Give her the contract.”

An enormous binder full of paper was gently placed in my arms by the oldest man in attendance, aside from Gandalf, “Just the usual. Reimbursement, traveling costs, funeral expenses. You understand.”

Bemused by the size of the binder, and staggering a bit under the weight, I didn’t reply. The man, Balin I thought he had introduced himself as, had a beard nearly as long as Gandalf’s. Most of the men had either long beards or hair. Must be a requirement to go along with the crazy if they had agreed to accompany Thorin on this insane mission. Smaug was not known for tolerating competition, real or imagined, overly well. And two of the members of these nutcases had to be younger than me. Bright eyed, naive and disgustingly attractive. In fact they rather resembled Thorin. Maybe part of the disinherited family?

I retreated to the living room so I could hear myself think and investigated the contract. Halfway through, instinct made me look up into the kind, beloved face of my grandfather. Frustration mixed in equally with love as I tried to decide what answer to give him.  
“It’s quite the contract. Whoever wrote this was quite the optimist. One fourteenth of the worth of Erebor would be mine if I joined? That’s assuming Smaug doesn’t have us arrested for trespassing or just kill us outright and save himself the paperwork. Hypothetically of course,” I added hurriedly at the spark of triumph in Gandalf’s blue eyes at my use of the word ‘we’. “Because no one is actually insane enough to go up against him. The man’s a bloody tyrant.”

“Perhaps. But if anyone could stop him, it would be you, Bea. I know you don’t want to get back into the game, that you stopped working with computers for several reasons. I admire that, but I also know that you miss it. Always you craved adventure and new puzzles to solve when you were little. The world is not in your books and maps; it’s out there. Waiting for you to get up and discover it.”

I stared hard at the black and white pages in front of me. Voicing what had haunted me these past three years, I tried for a nonchalant tone. “I’m afraid, Gandalf. That I’ll let the family down like I did before. That I’ll fail.”

Gentle hands settled on my shoulders. “You have never let me down, Bea. I couldn’t be more proud of you. And I still will be proud even if you turn this down. It’ll be less entertaining for me, but that’s life.”

“Hah. Well, I live to entertain.” I smiled slightly. He was right. There was a reason I had studied computer programming and cryptology so intensively. It was always an adventure. And this, insanity aside, proved to be an interesting diversion. “Alright. Let me get my coat.”


	2. Internet Trolls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This time from Thorin's POV. Beatrice finds the map and they encounter the scum of the internet world, trollers. 
> 
> I changed this scene a bit. The trolls are now internet trollers

The newest member of my company, apparently the best codebreaker and computer hacker this side of the NSA, burst out of the nondescript high rise as if the hounds of hell were snapping at her heels. Light eyes locked on me as she altered her course slightly in my direction. As soon as she was in earshot, she yelled “RUN!”

I didn’t move. How on earth had she managed to fuck this up so quickly? All she had to do was get the map. A simple in and out. There wasn’t anybody even guarding it.

Goddamnit. If Gandalf, as he was asking us to call him now, had stuck me with an incompetent hacker, I might as well slit my own throat now and save Smaug the trouble.

Beatrice, my soon to be ex-hacker, screamed something at me again but it was lost under the cacophony of erupting sirens and men’s shouts behind her. In a matter of moments the place would be swarming with cops and security personal. There went any chance we had of keeping our mission quiet for a while.

Maybe she was mentally deficient and didn’t understand that being called a burglar meant you were supposed to be inherently sneaky and stealthy. Because she certainly hadn’t gotten the message if the mess behind her was any indication.

“Are you deaf? Run!” Nearly colliding with me, she gave me a sharp push. Good thing none of the others were around to see this. Being shoved about by a lass who barely came up to one’s shoulders wasn’t the sort of thing to inspire confidence in one’s leadership capabilities. To save myself from further embarrassment, I went in the direction of her motion.

We made it around a corner just as the first police cars pulled up. As we hurried back towards the main part of town to mingle with the crowds in case of pursuit, I asked “Did you get it?”

Brown curls bounced in a sharp nod. No words were forthcoming to explain the chaos she left in her wake.

I waited until we passed a group of rather animated vultures, only a few streets away from the rendezvous point, before continuing. “No, you have it backwards. You’re suppose to keep quiet when doing the actual stealing, not when speaking to me. Works much better that way, see.”

Gray flames danced in her eyes as she glared at me over her shoulder. "Really. Here I was, laboring under the assumption that the idea was to get caught. Pity then that I managed to escape with your precious map. I'm fine, by the way."

"Shame." I muttered under my breath. With my two enthusiastic nephews who thought way too much of their fighting prowess, I had enough on my plate without adding an uncontrollable female into the mix. Not that I have anything against females. My sister Dis, Fili and Kili's mother, is a force to be reckoned with, on and off the sparring mat. But I could crush the slight figure next to me in a single hug. Her gray eyes were clear as starlight and loaded with a truckload of distaste and defiance at the moment. Even the riotous curls, barely contained in the pony tail, spoke of authority issues. Aristocratic, delicate features would have done any princess proud, but the hint of a snarl she wore whenever she considered me rather ruined any beauty she had.

We reached the others before I could reply further. Just as well. My response probably wouldn't have increased our mutual trust.

"What was all the noise?" Fili demanded as soon as we reached the appointed park bench. The men had commandeered two fairly close together, but the niceties of blending in were apparently beyond my nephews who had decided that climbing the trees was a much better option. I growled at them until they came down, suitably chastised.

I was going to kill Dis for making me agree to bring them. They need to learn the ropes of leadership, she said. They'll be no trouble at all.

Hah. And that seaside property in Nebraska she's trying to sell me is a real steal.

"Our burglar ran into some trouble." I informed them. Balin's eyebrows nearly disappeared into his hair as he looked between me and Beatrice.

She nodded. "Someone knew we were coming. A trap had been laid to sound the alarm as soon as the map's file was accessed. Lucky for us their code to self destruct the file was easily circumvented. I was able to download it before everything else went to hell. But this is now the only copy of the map. The police, the company and whoever laid the trap now know that it's been taken."

Great. This day just kept getting better and better. "Let's move. I feel too exposed here."

The woman didn't move. Fighting an internal battle, she chewed absently on her lower lip. Well, that explained why she didn't wear makeup like most women. She would have chewed lipstick off within minutes. I forced my eyes upward and waited to see if she came to some inner conclusion that would enable us to get a move on.

Gandalf frowned at his granddaughter. "There's something else wrong."

"Yes. The map, I was able to get the whole file, but there is part of it that I cannot read. It's a very obscure programming language. Whitespace if I'm not mistaken."

The old man let out a surprising stream of swear words. "I do not have the skill to read that."

Bea nodded. "There are very few who can. When I lost my mind and studied esolangs, even I didn't touch it." She smiled suddenly. The animation that overcame her face lit those pale gray eyes to stunning radiance. "Those were some wild times."

"I know of one who can read the map." Gandalf suddenly glanced at me with unusual gravity.

I had a feeling I wasn't going to like where this was going. "Who?"

It was Bea who answered when Gandalf proved reluctant. "Rivendell Consulting has someone who can. That's the best option I can think of."

"Absolutely not. Think of something else." I stated flatly. Of course it had to be a consulting firm. Those self important assholes had let Smaug take over Erebor without lifting a finger to help my family or our people. I wouldn't go to any consultant agency even if my life depended on it. Well, I might if I ever went on a crazy murdering spree. I hear they often hire more people than they actually needed. Give me an armored tank and I could take care of the problem for them real quick with the style thrown in for free.

Gandalf rolled his eyes. "You have no enemies at Rivendell Consulting. They weren't there when-"

"I don't care. They, none of them, did anything to help us when we lost Erebor." I snarled.

The old man turned and strode away. Our burglar turned an accusing stare on me, something I ignored in favor of getting everyone moving. I had this strange idea that if we kept moving it meant we were making progress. That we were getting closer and closer to clearing the taint from my family. The shame.

"We need to find an internet cafe." Beatrice said, coming to stand at my elbow. She chewed absently on her lip, watching her grandfather stride away.

"Why?"

"So you can look at the map." She said with the air of one stating the obvious.

Right. I rounded up the group and we headed back towards Main Street. The first cafe we found was sleazier than Beatrice's apartment building, but there was only one other customer in the room. Fili, Kili and Beatrice logged on without further ado. I had my nephews investigate our rivals, seeing if anyone was suddenly selling off massive amounts of stock or investing in strange areas. We couldn't be the only ones to have heard the rumors about Smaug's sudden financial hibernation.

"Shit."

Beatrice and I peered over her console at Fili. He forced a smile. "Nothing, sorry. Bea, could I have your opinion on something?"

She walked over to him and nudged him to one side with her hip. "What's up? Oh."

"Oh? What does 'oh' mean?" I asked.

Kili tried to cover for his brother. "Just found an interesting picture, is all, uncle. Nothing to worry about."

Yeah, and I'm a pointy eared elf from the fairytales.

I glared at him, but my Evil Eye must have malfunctioned due to lack of sleep and the presence of a very annoying woman, because Kili didn't seem inclined to explain further or self-combust. "

Damn it. Just had to click on that, didn't you." Beatrice growled, her fingers flying over the keyboard.

"I wasn't paying attention." Fili muttered, but she didn't seem to hear him.

I was just about to circle the desk and see what in Durin's name was going on, when Beatrice stepped back and warned. "I need to get on my own computer and come in a different way. Don't touch anything. Either of you." Though they were about the same age as her, both of my nephews quailed slightly under her glare. I had to admit, she did a damned good job of channeling Dis right then.

Returning to her seat, Beatrice somehow made the map appear on my screen and immediately immersed herself in window after window of what looked to be like Fili and Kili's bank accounts, investments, and social media pages.

"Are you making them a dating profile?" I asked mildly. "Because I'm pretty sure it would be easier to ask for that information than to take it by force."

"Not now, Thorin. Your nephews managed to catch the attention of internet Trolls. If I don't fix this, their identities might be compromised."

Brilliant. Do I have TROUBLE APPLY HERE tattooed on my forehead? Could we not have left the mishap back at the building Beatrice robbed?

"Oh no." I glanced at her monitor. A chat window had popped up by some man named Bert.

<Hey there scrumptious lady.>

 

My eyebrows nearly flew off my forehead. "Scrumptious. Do you come with a side of french fries?"

Beatrice spared a glare for me. "I told you. They're internet Trolls. Stop distracting me." She ignored the conversation but another one popped up before she could finish the command she was typing. This one was from a William. 

<I bet you would look really great across the table from me at dinner. Just the two of us. Candlelight.>

Smooth. I choked on laughter.

Color flooded Beatrice's cheeks, from anger of embarrassment I couldn't tell.

<Maybe you and your two friends can meet up with us. Bert and I love company.>

 

"Shit! They found you two. This is bad. Alright. I'm going to have to rope them in and then try and backhack them."

"Maybe you could lasso them with spaghetti," I offered helpfully. She made a hand sign at me I had never seen before. Using my powers of subtle insight, I reasoned it wasn't a compliment.

The others drifted over, curious as to the cause of Beatrice's continual swearing. I was rather surprised at the extent of her vocabulary. She had seemed like a well bred young woman before this.

<Come closer, little lady. Do you have a webcam? I bet you're pretty enough to eat.>

"They're trying to find my IP address. Shit. Piss. Fuck. Alright. Everyone get on a computer, open to this website and try and engage them in conversation. Distract them."

I dutifully logged on, but kept one eye on her conversations. Now she had a third admirer, Tom.

A chat popped open before me.<What are you wearing?>

Mahal above. This was a strange day. <Khakis.>

<Not very imaginative are you?>

 

"There's no reasoning with them, they're halfwits!" Bofur cried a moment later.

Beatrice finally answered one of the chats. <Clever men. I've never seen someone hacked so quickly. Too bad you choise the wrong prey.>

<...>

<Undercover cops. I wouldn't risk it. I really wouldn't.>

<So what would you have us do? Not see the information?>

Beatrice frowned. "Weeell."

"Don't type that." I said. "They might be halfwits, but that's a little obvious don't you think?" Peripherally, I was aware of Gandalf striding into the cafe and nudging Ori from his computer.

"Yeah, I got that thanks." <No. Merely engage a third party. That way you cover your tracks.>

"How's that backhacking coming?" Fili wanted to know.

"Little busy, here." Beatrice snapped. "Oh this is so not fun. He's trying to remotely access my webcam."

<The little ferret just wants to get in on our money!>

"Ferret!"

<She's taking us for fools!>

"Oh no. Oh no." She seemed really worried now. Interesting that the more worried she became, the fewer curse words she used.

Then, in all of our chats, a new player wrote <The ether will take you all for fools!>

Within the blink of an eye the Trolls logged off and the firewalls around Fili and Kili's identities were back in place. Not a thing was missing.

"Gandalf. Perfect timing." Beatrice collapsed back in her seat.

"Where were you?" I asked Gandalf, rubbing at my wrists.

He quirked an eyebrow. "Looking ahead."

Brilliant. Only I would manage to get stuck with a man who delighted in giving cryptic replies. "And what brought you back?"

"Looking behind. And a good thing I did. But, you're all in one piece. No harm done."

"Uh-huh. No thanks to your burglar."

"She was the only one who had the sense to play for time."

Yeah, well. She's the one who got us into this mess. Only fair she was the one to get us out. After all, she had insisted we come to the internet cafe. My nephews and I would be having words later. I held my tongue. No sense offending the old man.

"Strange." Dwalin said. "They left one of their own accounts open. A storage locker one street over. Here's the code."

We shared a nod. "Might as well get compensation for this mess."

Leaving the cafe, we turned immediately right and soon found ourselves in a labyrinth of storage garages. Air conditioned, according to the sign. We found the Trolls' stash of items they must have stolen from previous fools. Weapons, jewelry, clothing, the Trolls were certifiable hoarders. They probably should have seen someone about that problem. And their anger management issues.

I found a rosewood handled pistol that was covered in unidentifiable muck. From the same pile, Gandalf pulled a wicked looking dagger. Well, I guess this whole fiasco hadn't been a complete waste.

"Here." He handed a smaller dagger to his granddaughter.

Gray eyes went wide and she made an instinctive move backwards. "No."

"Yes. Your courage isn't marked by the number of lives you take, but the number you spare."

Huh. The old man was waxing philosophic. Must have smoked one too many pipes this morning. But Bea took the knife. Good. Maybe next time she wouldn't be quite as useless.

"Come on. Let's move." I didn't put it past my rag tag group to find more trouble involving the trolls.

"I haven't told all of you what I've discovered. An old friend of mine confirmed what Bea told us. We're being tracked." Gandalf said, almost conversationally as we returned to the main street.

"By whom?"

He paused for a dramatic moment. "The Orcs."

Turns out this day could get worse.


	3. In Which Beatrice Considers the Benefits of Adequate Footwear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Radagast has information for Gandalf. Beatrice and Thorin have a less than friendly conversation, and the issue of appropriate footwear becomes important.

Beatrice

Apparently the run in with the Trolls was all my fault, and as such, my tentative standing with the group had been smashed to bits. Asinine, really if one remembered that Fili and Kili had been the ones to be hacked and I had kept their identities from being stolen.

But hey, who needs logic when you can go with masculine snobbery and high handedness. 

Sure made the rest of the afternoon's travels much quieter. Thankfully Gandalf returned, which made things more bearable. We returned to the park to refocus, and for the men to admire the tokens they had taken from the Troll hoard. I was apparently traveling with magpies because we had to stop and coo over the shiny new weapons.

I cooled my heels on the park bench, a safe distance from Thorin my ass is obviously more important than yours Oakenshield, but still close enough to hear Gandalf's discussion with his friend Radagast. Another older gentleman, he had met us on the street before accompanying us here to the park. Apparently he and Gandalf had gone to college together when dinosaurs walked the earth. 

The dagger Gandalf had given me poked uncomfortably into my side no matter how I sat. Why I needed a dagger was beyond me. Since I had absolutely no idea how to use it, any opponent could take it from me and slit my throat with my own weapon. Maybe the irony would let them put something witty on my tombstone. 

"I've just come from the warehouse district of Dul Guldur." Radagast was saying. 

Kudos to him for managing to make it out of there alive. That was not a nice part of town. Years and years ago, long before my parents were born, the district had been a flowering section in the northeast part of the city, but it had been overtaken by the growing strength of the gangs.  
"That part of the warehouses is abandoned." Gandalf said slowly, but he didn't sound sure. 

Radagast shook his head, dreads bouncing. He had aged more gracefully than my grandfather, or was younger than him to start with. The man had a distinctly bohemian flair and seemed more at home in the park than he did on the city street. "No, Gandalf. It's not." 

Thorin strode over to my bench and propped one lean hip over the arm rest. "Enjoying the break before you try again to get us all killed?" 

I bit my bottom lip. Don't rise to the bait, Bea, don't punch the asshat in the face like he so richly deserves. With a chin that strong I would probably break my hand. 

"The Troll debacle doesn't exactly inspire confidence in your skills as a hacker." He continued. 

When I didn't respond, those gunmetal eyes frowned at me. "Do you have selective, sudden onset mutism or something?" 

"When you say something worth responding to, I hope I'll be the first to know. Then I can alert the Guinness people." I snapped. He could do with a dose of mutism. 

Thorin grinned. How was it possible for someone so arrogant and annoying to be so damned handsome? If there was any justice in the world, he would be toothless with warts. "I knew anyone related to Gandalf couldn't be quiet for that long. It goes against your genetic programming." 

A smile tugged at my mouth despite my best efforts to remain detached. I suppose he had a sense of humor at least. Maybe he wasn't always high and mighty. "Thankfully I didn't get the speaking in riddles gene as well." 

"Then you'd be truly unbearable." 

And there went any kind thoughts I might ever have about him. "What do you want, Thorin?" 

"How did you know that we are being tracked? Who is tracking us?" 

I shrugged. "You mean besides the small fact that alarms went off the minute I opened the folder that contained the map?" 

"Yes, besides that." He said dryly. 

"There were the computer equivalent of fingerprints all over it. You had told me that no one knew where your father had hidden the map and Gandalf had been the one with the key, so why would there be recent access dates on the file? Also, when I opened the program, there was a self destruct code written into the access command. The programming language was crude, but effective." 

"Hmm. And any guesses as to who did it?"

"With your sunny disposition, there's probably a long line of people wanting to off you." I smiled at him. "Whoever it was sure valued the end goal more than the means to achieve it. It was dirty and inelegant. Though I suppose the programming language might be a clue." 

Gandalf walked over with Radagast. My grandfather carried a long thin package he didn't bother to explain as he jumped into the conversation. "Which was?"

"Black Speech." I said, the words leaving a nasty taste on my tongue. "Though that doesn't narrow down the possibilities much. Any sort of criminal, big or small, knows the rudiments of Black Speech." 

Gandalf cursed. Radagast looked slightly amused as if he enjoyed watching all us plebeians run about. 

"And you're able to read Black Speech as well. How is that?" Thorin asked. His voice went soft, silken sheets rustling over each other after a long night of pleasure. I had no doubt that he could convince just about anyone to do just about anything when he used that tone. 

I bared my teeth at him. Going to have to up your game, buster. Some secrets require more than just charisma to pry open. "All hackers are criminals depending on your frame of reference." 

He didn't seem amused by the vague reply. Gandalf cut in before he could try a different tact. "Enough. We need to find someone who can read the White Space on the map and figure out how much danger we're in."

Gandalf caught my eye and motioned me to the side. Curious, I trotted over as the men began to rouse themselves to move again. 

"Gandalf?" 

"Well?" 

I blinked at him. Well, what? Was I supposed to have acquired telepathy in the past few hours? That was a truly scary thought. Imagine listening in to Thorin's mind. Not that there would be much to hear besides concern that his beard wasn't braided correctly. 

"I know you can distinguish between programmers of Black Speech, Bea. So, who is after us?" Blue eyes pierced me. 

Damnit. I didn't want to think about this. Anytime I thought about Black Speech I was reminded of that nice section of Hell that had been my home only a few years ago. But I would do none of us any good keeping the information to myself. "I'm not one hundred percent positive." 

Nori brushed past us, taking a selfie with his camera phone. Thorin glanced back at us, eyes narrowing in suspicion. 

I hurried on before he could interrupt. "It's flavored with Gundabad keystrokes, but more sophisticated than anything I've seen out of the north before. If I had to hazard a guess, I'd still say Orc, but someone high up." 

Gandalf absorbed this for a moment. I couldn't read his expression, his beard was too thick. Nevertheless, I had the distinct impression that my grandfather was worried. 

Not good. Anything that could upset my unflappable relative was to be poked at with a telescoping mile long pole rigged with explosives. 

"Don't tell Thorin your suspicions. He's heavily biased where the Orcs are concerned and I wouldn't put it past him to go running off when we need him focused on the map." 

"Righto." Easy enough. If I had wanted to tell him, I could have done so a few minutes ago. "How do you plan on getting him to Rivendell if he hates consultants so much?" 

Gandalf lit his pipe absently and puffed a few smoke rings before he replied. "I'm not entirely sure. We'll just have to capitalize on any opportunity that comes our way." 

"Move!" Thorin thundered. Several birds in the trees above us were startled into flight. He glared at me, making a motion with his hand to move forward.  
I guess he was worried I had gone momentarily deaf. I saluted and mimed being jerked forward by a rope around my waist. 

Either my acting skills are rusty or he has no measurable sense of humor because Thorin growled something rude under his breath and walked as far away from me as he could get. 

Unappreciated, that's what I am. 

We had hardly made it out of the park when sirens roared to life in the street before us. Four police cars lined the crowded road, and each and every cop in the cars were staring in our direction. 

"Those aren't cops." Balin hissed. 

What? How could they not be cops? Bright blue flashing lights, uncomfortable looking uniforms...Oh. Then again, I had never seen a cop carrying an AK-47. Or met one with such unique taste in facial piercings. 

"Orcs." Dwalin spat. 

Somehow I had a feeling that even our less than bright leader was going to catch onto the fact that the scariest gang in the city wanted our heads. 

Sure enough, as we slowly backed away, Thorin said to Gandalf, "Ten to one the Orcs were the ones to booby trap the map." 

They let us retreat to the edge of the park before they opened fire. We turned tail and ran for our lives. 

"How did you come to that conclusion?" I muttered. 

"With subtle insight." White teeth flashed against his dark beard as he grinned. 

"They're gaining on us!" Oin felt the need to share the inspiring fact with all of us. 

"This way! Quickly!" Gandalf raced to the front and led us down a side street. 

It was downright embarrassing being passed by my grandfather, no matter how sprightly he was. I sighed. A bullet whizzed over my head, singing the top of my hair. 

I knew I should have worn my running shoes this morning.


	4. Rivendell Consulting Agency

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The group escapes the Orcs by reaching Rivendell where Beatrice has a grand time and tries to impress upon Thorin the importance of politeness.

"Umm. Not to sound critical, but I have a quick question." I said as man after man piled into the narrow alleyway and I was forced farther and farther back. "Isn't a blind, dead end alleyway the last place we want to be if we don't fancy ending up riddled with bullet holes?" 

When no response came, I glanced behind me. What on earth? Not two seconds ago, Gandalf had been standing there. But there was no way out of the alleyway. Solid brick walls hemmed us in from three sides. 

"Gandalf!" Thorin bellowed. "We're surrounded!" 

"He's not available at the moment. Please leave a message!" I called back. Everyone swiveled to face me. Well, everyone except Bombur whose large girth prevented him from turning in the narrow lane. 

"WHAT?" Dwalin roared. 

"Stand your ground! Kili, shoot them!" Thorin ordered. His youngest nephew drew his pistol. With remarkable accuracy given the Orcs' dislike of staying in one place, Kili stared picking them off one by one. 

As remarkable as his aim was, it wouldn't be enough to get us out of this rather uncomfortable situation. Where the hell was Gandalf? Did he suddenly spurt wings and fly away?

"This way, you fools!" As if summoned by my thoughts, Gandalf poked his head out of a gap in the right wall. If there hadn't been an endearingly familiar face sticking out of the slit, I never would have seen it. Not even standing next to it as I was. 

We wasted no time in following him through the narrow alleyway. Dwalin passed Gandalf to glance around the next corner. "I cannot see where it goes? Do we follow it?" 

Another burst of gunfire came from behind us. Bofur stood on his toes and glared at his companion as if Dwalin had lost his mind. "We follow it, of course! Do you want to go back?" 

Not really, thanks for asking. I followed the stream of men forward. There was something odd about this passage way. It felt familiar, as if I had once walked this in a dream. 

Gandalf smiled down at me. "You feel it don't you? Listen, Bea." 

Trying to block out the thud of boots on concrete, of metal striking brick, I did my best. At first I could hear nothing over our noise, but then slowly, I filtered it out. There was a subtle hum: white noise, static that made me feel instantly at home.   
"There were always rumors of a secret passageway to Rivendell," I mused. "I never though I would ever find out if that was true or not." 

"Rivendell!" Thorin shouldered his way to the front. He glared up at Gandalf and then at me. "You planned this all along." 

A bushy eyebrow raised as Gandalf considered him. I didn't wait for my grandfather to reply. Poking Thorin in his, alright I'll admit it, muscular chest, I told him, "I have always wanted to meet the consultants at Rivendell. They're the best in the world. If you mess this up for me, I will take it poorly and rip your self righteous tongue from your head." 

Fury sparkled in those blue eyes. "I mess this up for you?!" 

"Yes. All you'd have to do is open your mouth. I'm sure they will translate the whitespace, but only if you go out of yourself to find some politeness and grace." I snapped. 

Gandalf cleared his throat, evidently amused. "The only ill will you bring to this place is your own, Thorin Oakenshield. Let Bea and I doing the talking." 

Oh boy did that not sit well with Thorin. His glower was truly magnificent as we started walking again, but I just let it roll off of me. Good as it was, his ire had nothing on that of my cousin Lobelia. The Sackville-Baggins could give an enraged grizzly a run for its money. 

The alleyway opened up abruptly into a cool, elegant lobby. I hadn't even realized that we had walked inside. A smiling man stepped out from behind a wooden desk. Long dark hair revealed delicate features that straddled the border of effeminate. "Gandalf! How are you?"

"A little out of breath, Lindir. How are you? Is Elrond available?" 

The long hair swished quietly as he shook his head. "I'm afraid he is away at the moment." 

What was it with men in the computing world and long hair? Even Thorin's men, bankers not programmers, all had long hair. Maybe it was some new fashion that I wasn't aware of. That's what comes from being antisocial. 

The words had barely fallen from Lindir's lips when thudding feet and excited yells assaulted us. The wide, wooden paneled doors to our left were thrown open and men charged into the room. I had a brief glimpse of some serious fire power hanging in holsters before strong hands hauled me backwards. My companions thrust me into the middle of a circle they formed, brandishing their own weapons. 

"Mithrandir!" The nearest man handed a semi-automatic pistol to Lindir and embraced my grandfather. Well, maybe Gandalf did have another name. Learn something new everyday. 

"Mr. Elrond. I hope we didn't catch you at a bad time." 

Tall, elegant, this man gave the impression of wisdom beyond his years. Dark brown eyes, warm but wary, took all of us in one glance. 

"Not at all. We merely had to deal with a few trespassers. Strange for an Orc pack to be seen this close to the city center." 

Gandalf winced apologetically. "We might have been the cause of that." 

Thorin disengaged from the circle and stood before Elrond, legs spread in an aggressive stance.   
Probably felt he had to reassert his masculinity before we all joined hands and started singing kumbayah in our little circle. 

"Elrond, this is Thorin Oakenshield." Gandalf said formally. 

Elrond raised one eyebrow. "You have your grandfather's bearing, Thorin son of Thrain." 

How did they all know each other? Arrogance Anonymous, meetings every Thursday at the local jail after we've pissed everyone off enough that they arrested us. Bring your own bail. 

Thorin tilted his head. "Funny that you should mention my grandfather for I am certain that he never mentioned you." 

I resisted the urge to kick him in the head. The man was constitutionally incapable of being polite. 

Elrond proved himself to be the better man because he let that one pass and instead invited us all in for lunch. Oin happily accepted, leading the way behind Lindir. 

"Beatrice Baggins, it's a true pleasure to meet you." Elrond bowed to me. 

Completely floored, I gave an awkward head spasm in his direction. 

Thorin snorted as he walked past. "Why?" 

Elrond heard. His eyebrows skyrocketed. "Ms. Baggins is a pioneer in her field. The Pipe Weed, a multimillion dollar company, owes its success entirely to her." 

Yeah, you smarmy bearded bastard. I'm a pioneer. Still, I felt obliged to correct Elrond slightly. "It wasn't all me. I worked with several, very talented-" 

"Not to mention the personal difficulties she has overcome." Elrond continued as if I hadn't spoken. 

Oh no. Let's not mention that, please. I sent Gandalf a panicked look as Thorin, Dwalin, Balin and Bofur all turned to me with interest. 

"It was nothing. He's exaggerating. Where's lunch? I'm famished." I said hurriedly. 

"Personal difficulties?" Thorin asked dubiously. I wasn't sure which word tripped him up. Did he not believe I was a person or that I was capable of having difficulties? 

"Ah." Elrond finally caught on to my rigid posture. "Perhaps that is not my story to tell." 

You think? I try very hard not to think about those particular difficulties. 

Bofur, bless him, changed the conversation. "If you started a Fortune 500 company, why do you live in such a hole?" 

"My hole is perfectly comfortable, thank you. The outside just doesn't do it justice." I told him, walking quickly to catch up with him.   
"Does your home have floor to ceiling bookcases?" 

Thankfully, Thorin's lack of social graces didn't impede Elrond's hospitality. We had a marvelous lunch and then I was given a personal tour. 

The facilities of Rivendell were leagues beyond anything I could ever have imagined. Gandalf had to come drag me away from an inspection of their routers later that afternoon. 

"The capacity!" I exclaimed. "I've never seen anything like it. If I had access to that, I could...I don't even know. Take over the stock exchange. Become a shipping tycoon without any ships. Conquer the world!" 

Gandalf grinned. "So you're glad you came?" 

That dimmed my good mood slightly. "I suppose. Not that anyone else is." 

Elrond met us in a conference room. Thorin and Balin were already there, both looking surly and suspicious. The tall man smiled at me.   
"I am glad that you are here, Ms. Baggins. In fact, should you ever consider rejoining the industry, you have a guaranteed job here at Rivendell." He quoted a starting salary so large I had to sit down rather abruptly. 

"Loyalty these days is hard to come by." Thorin muttered darkly. 

I stuck my tongue out at him. 

Gandalf cleared his throat. "Yes. Something to consider definitely. In the mean time, Thorin, if you would be so kind as to show Mr. Elrond the map." 

With a scowl so fierce he could have lit water on fire, Thorin reluctantly handed over the flash drive. 

Deftly, Elrond inserted it into his tablet. "Ah. I see you weren't mistaken, Ms. Baggins. Whitespace indeed. It would seem Fate is smiling upon you, Thorin Oakenshield. We just finished a prototype to translate Whitespace this very morning. Before this, you would have been able to read it only on the computer on which it was written." 

I chewed on my lip as Elrond fell silent, tapping away at the screen. That wasn't technically true. It was just easier to read it on the original terminal. 

Across from me, Thorin closed his eyes briefly as if in prayer. The stern lines around his mouth momentarily vanished. None of this could be easy for him. Losing his livelihood, watching his grandfather die and his father go mad with grief.   
Maybe I was being too hard on him. It's not like I had an overabundance of social skills myself. He was trying to do the best he could for his employees and friends. I wasn't exactly making that task easier. 

But every time he opened his mouth, any sympathetic feelings I had disappeared without a trace and I felt like an idiot for feeling anything at all. Something about him just set me on edge. Not an emotion I was used to. Or particularly enjoyed. 

"Ah. Here we are." Elrond slid the tablet into the middle of the conference table. 

Stand by the grey stone when the thrush knocks and the setting sun with the last light of Durin's Day will shine upon the key-hole. 

What? I blinked at the words, but they didn't magically make sense. 

Glancing around at the others, I saw similar looks of confusion. Oh goodie. Nothing was ever easy. 

"I'll Google it." I reached for my phone. But for once the almighty monkeys behind the search engine failed me. Well, that wasn't reassuring.


	5. Dating Advice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The map riddle is somewhat explained. Bofur and Kili give Bea some dating advice.

"You won't find anything." Thorin said. His gaze had gone distant as if trying to remember something from long ago. "My father always told me that the thrush was a very special bird. That one day I would realize why." 

Oh great. We had a Durin family riddle on our hands. If Thorin's predecessors were anything like him: recalcitrant and tight lipped, we didn't have a prayer of solving this. 

"Well, at least we know when we have to make it back to Erebor." Balin said, trying to lighten our spirits. "Durin's Day. The last day of autumn." 

So less than a week. Lovely. "How do you know we have to be in Erebor?"

"The grey stone. It's the main statue in the heart of our company. Thorin's great great grandfather had it built and dedicated it to the strength of his family." 

Good to know Thorin came by his humility honestly. 

"And this stone is the key to getting back your banking firm?" Well, I suppose I've heard stranger things. Not that anything really comes to mind. 

Both Thorin and Balin nodded as if this was the most reasonable thing in the world. Riiight. 

Elrond frowned at the lot of us. "So this is why you have this map? You mean to get the Arkenstone and reclaim Erebor." 

"What of it?" Thorin snarled. 

"There are some who would not deem it wise." He gave my grandfather a significant glance as Thorin took the flash drive back. 

"Can someone explain the Arkenstone to me, please?" I asked. There had been several veiled references to this thing before, but I still had no concrete idea of what it was. 

Elrond passed a hand over his face as if suddenly weary. "No one is entirely sure of the answer in regards to the Arkenstone, Mistress Baggins." 

"It is the heart of our company. The true heritage of our people." Thorin said. His voice changed, growing soft and rough around the edges. If he talked like that all the time, he would have women throwing themselves at him. Were he ever to sing, the cops would have to arrest him for disturbing the peace when every female within earhshot would strip and tackle him. 

Even I caught myself thinking that the long hair and sharp features made him very attractive. That he was really just trying to do the best by his friends and family despite his arrogance. 

Gah. I shook myself. That way lay dragons. 

"How so?" I asked when I felt I could managed a level tone. 

His voice was like dark chocolate fudge over rich ice cream. Yum. "The Arkenstone is the foundation of Erebor. The passwords, the firewalls, the investment history and future plans, everything. It is the right to rule the company." 

Well that sounded...dumb. "Please tell me this stone thing isn't in all in one place. Or easily accessible." 

"Do we look like amateurs, Ms. Baggins?" Balin said testily. "When Erebor was first founded and the Arkenstone created, our fathers decided it was too tempting a target for hackers and other unsavory people. No offense." 

"None taken." 

"So they broke up the information and placed it across the town with trusted associates or hid it where no one would think to find it. The map tells us how to piece it back together again, for the Arkenstone is more than just the nitty gritty of running a banking empire. It contains its secrets as well." 

"And you think these secrets will help you defeat Smaug." If this was a B movie or a strange novel, that plan might make sense. As it was, I was starting to question my sanity for joining this group. Gandalf smiled under my glare. Yeah, he probably thought this whole thing was a hoot and a half. I was surrounded by lunatics. 

Elrond seemed to be thinking along the same lines. His frown encompassed the whole table, though he seemed especially put out with my grandfather. Gandalf caught the look and stood. "Bea, why don't you get the others together for dinner? I'll meet you all in the cafeteria shortly." 

Deciding I really didn't want to be around for his and Elrond's discussion, I readily agreed, herding the men out of the room before. "I really appreciate the tour." I told Elrond. "You have a gorgeous facility." 

Elrond inclined his head. "Our offer still stands, Ms. Baggins. I hope you will give it some thought." 

A plush job at one of the top companies or a suicidal, mysterious quest with a bunch of grumpy men who disliked me on principle alone? I should be jumping at his offer just because I could get away from Thorin. The benefits were just icing on the cake after that. So why didn't I immediately accept? 

The question haunted me all throughout dinner. Bofur was the only one who reliably talked to me besides Balin. "And then, if you can believe it, she said 'the beard be real!'" He slapped the table to emphasize his point. 

I grinned. "What fabulous taste you have in women." 

He laughed as the others piled on. "I learned me lesson. My tastes have much matured." Bofur winked at me. 

I rolled my eyes. I was no beauty: wild curls that were more dirt brown than any exotic color, a less than curvaceous form, and doll like features.  
My only real asset was my brain. I appreciated the comment though. 

"Bea has more sense than to take on a case like you, Bofur." Balin smiled. "She needs someone who can keep up with her, a nice robust gentleman."

I choked on my mouthful of chicken. Fili helpfully whacked me on the back, nearly cracking my ribcage. Eyes watering, I gulped water. The whole company was now listening to the conversation and everyone felt compelled to offer me advice about the male species. Oh happy day! 

"Never trust a man who has manicured hands." Nori said. "They're tricky bastards." 

My eyebrows shot northward. "Your hands are softer than mine." 

A roguish wink. "Exactly." 

"I think you need someone who's thoughtful." The mother hen of the group, Dori spoke up. 

Why were they giving this more thought than I ever have? "I'll keep all of this in mind. Nice weather we're having isn't it?" 

No use. Once they latched onto a topic there was no stopping them. I would have had better luck holding back a flood with only my hands.

Kill. Me. Now. 

"Nah. Bea thinks too much as it is. She needs someone exciting." Kili countered. 

"I do not!" 

"Sure you do. Both you and Uncle are always thinking too much." 

Boy, if there was ever a time to be able to shoot flame out of my eyes, this was it. In my mind I used the Jedi mind strangle hold on him. Either the Force was against me, or Kili was too bullheaded to realize he should be gasping on the floor, because he just continued to beam at me. "Now there's an idea." 

Don't say it. Don't say it. 

"You and Uncle should-" 

I leaned across the table and rammed a biscuit into his mouth. "I really like these Hawaiian rolls, don't you?" 

Bofur collapsed in laughter at the look on Kili's red face. 

"Enough." Thorin didn't raise him voice, but he had no trouble cutting through the cacophony. "Bea is not one of us to be used to the teasing." 

Way to shove me once again out of the group. Asshat. 

An awkward silence fell before Bofur jumped on the table to regale us with his latest composition while the two Durin brothers started a food fight. 

Rivendell employees looked aghast as a forkful of mashed potatoes splattered on the light. Deciding I didn't want to be here any longer, I slipped out of my seat. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Thorin rise as well. I sped up so we wouldn't have to walk together. 

Tonight I was going to find Kili's bed and line it with push pins. Maybe I should do Thorin's while I was at it. Then one of the pins could do us all a favor and puncture his ego. 

Me, petty? Never.


	6. To the Mountains

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The company exits Rivendell Consulting and, in the surprise of the century, finds even more trouble.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to leave comments and suggestions!  
> Hopefully the next segment won't take so long to post if Life deigns to calm down somewhat.

Thorin: 

Due to unfortunate- read fortuitous- circumstances, we had to leave Rivendell soon after the meal. Gandalf had some business to deal with, so he sent us ahead. Now that we knew we had to reach Erebor by great-great-great grandpa's birthday, we really did need to get moving. 

Beatrice didn't seem overly excited to be leaving her grandfather. Whether that was because of what had happened last time we broke out on our own, or because she had co-dependency issues, I wasn't sure. She hadn't spoken a word to me since dinner. Somewhere deep on the inside I was crying. Truly. 

As we exited the pretentious building, she stopped and glanced back. I couldn't read anything in her expression, but those opalescent eyes were cloaked in shadows. For some reason, I walked over to her as the others filed into the street. 

"Regretting your decision to leave?" I asked.

"Only when I speak to you." She snapped.

Women these days. She and Dis could start a club- How to Put a Man in His Place in Six Words or Less. They could meet for tea after kicking their husbands out of their house. Of course, whoever married Beatrice would need the patience of a saint. I opened my mouth to retort when she shook her head and sighed. 

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't snap at you. You're under more stress than I am." Beatrice offered me a very small, genuine smile. When she smiled, her whole face became animated, catapulting her from merely pretty to breathtaking. "In answer to your question, no, I don't regret my decision. Rivendell would be an amazing place to work, but it is not what I want right now." 

"Huh." Eloquent, that's me. 

Beatrice took one last look at Rivendell and then asked, "Where to next, oh great leader?" 

One of these days I was going to find out what this mysterious secret in her past was, and why she had been so reluctant to join our band of merry men. For the moment, however, I let it slide. "West. To the Mountains." 

Though this city is flatter than a pancake, a region of downtown is called the Mountains due to the large number of skyscrapers. If one was spectacularly drunk, and squinting, the city skyline looked a bit like a mountain ridge. I had never spent much time there, as they were mainly apartment high rises, but the map seemed pretty well marked.

Surprised, she kept pace with me as we left the building. "That's going to take us through some dangerous neighborhoods if we go directly there." 

Damnation. She was right. We would be skirting the edge of the Goblin Gang's territory. They were a group of wannabe Orcs, more annoying than dangerous, but they could still pose a problem for us. "We'll be fine." I said, trying to convince myself as well as her. 

Of course, knowing my group, we would be caught within five minutes. We seemed to have an inordinate amount of talent for finding trouble. We could rent ourselves out- Trouble R Us. 

Beatrice looked as if she dearly wished to argue, but for once held her tongue. A bloody miracle. Maybe there was hope for us after all. 

Just as we reached the invisible boundary of downtown proper, thick water droplets splashed onto my head. The rain clouds weighed heavily in the sky, foreshadowing quite the storm. 

"Shit." Beatrice scowled at the sky. "Rain sucks." 

"Eloquent." I muttered, pulling up the hood of my jacket. She transferred the glare to me. Balin muttered something about childish behavior that we both ignored. 

It became a downright deluge as we skirted the edge of goblin territory. I was thinking of finding a nice dry motel to spend the night in when a horrendous crack of thunder made us all jump. Then came a rapid fire burst of lightning strikes that illuminated the road before us.

We stood on the curb of a wide, rain slick street. Four beams of light flared to life to our left. 

"Street racers." Nori snarled from behind me, disgust dripping from each word. "They wait until the thunder covers up the sounds of their engines so the cops won't notice. They don't give a damn what or who they hit. As long as they win and can collect the betting pool." 

He was soon proven correct. With a roar to rival the heavens, the two cars tore down the street, fishtailing on the wet road and angling to cut each other off. Dimly we could hear the roar of the spectators cheering them on and placing bets. 

"Hurry. Before someone tries to draw us in." I instructed. 

Fili, Dwalin, Bofur, Bombur and Ori started across. They hadn't taken more than five steps before another rumble rent the air. Headlights swamped their startled figures as a car raced down the street. 

"Kili! Back!" Fili shoved his brother back onto the curb. 

"FILI!" I screamed. A flash of lightning blinded me as I ran forward and knocked him out of the way. The world went fuzzy for a few moments. All I could feel was rain splashing on my face and a strange throbbing in my head. Then cold, gentle fingers slipped around my face. 

"Thorin?" Soft and worried, Bea's voice flowed over me. I was quite content to stay there and listen to her talk. Then I remembered our mission.

I had to make it to Erebor. There was no turning back, no lollygagging, no pleasurable diversions for me. If Smaug proved to be as fierce as the world claimed and I perished, then at least I died trying to make a better life for my people. 

"Come on. I'll help him. We need to move before another car comes." I recognized Dwalin's voice before my sense of the world tilted. 

"Fili?" I croaked. What the hell happened? I probed memory, but the past few minutes were a black hole. 

"He's fine, Thorin." Bea responded. "You, however, are not. Let's find shelter and I'll take a look at that gash on your head." 

Gash? That would explain the radiating pain. Had I hit something? Move over, Sherlock; Thorin coming through. 

"The car clipped you." Bea murmured. Apparently she was a thought reader now. That was an uncomfortable idea. My thoughts were bad company for me, let alone an innocent like her. She continued and distracted me from my rambling. "Fili and the others are fine, thought slightly shaken up. We all are." 

Join the club. We could get matching t-shirts made. 

Slowly, reality came back into focus. I didn't recognize the neighborhood, but it seemed halfway decent. 

A figure darted from the shadows, arms raised, straight at Bea. She didn't notice the oncoming danger, gaze trained on me. Without thinking, I drew my pistol, aimed and fired. Bea screamed, though the sound was lost in the storm. The figure dropped to the ground. 

"Pay attention!" I snapped at her. I didn't look at the corpse. Just one more body staining my hands red. "You'll get us all killed keeping on like that." 

"In here!" Someone called. "It's empty." 

Leaning heavily on Dwalin, I limped forward, sore all over. I felt as if I was impersonating road kill. Someone should draw tire tracks on my face. 

Everyone collapsed in what appeared to be the lobby to an abandoned insurance storefront. I frowned at Nori. No way the door had been unlocked. He shrugged unrepentantly. I wasn't angry; there definitely were advantages to have a thief onboard and at least we were out of the rain. 

"Check in the back. If we're near gang territory, it might not be empty." I said. Heh, my voice sounded halfway normal. 

Dwalin dumped me in a chair. "I'll go." 

Right. I should go with him. I made to stand, but my feet refused to obey and the world swam alarmingly before my eyes. 

Then again, delegation was an essential part of leadership. 

Beatrice appeared before me. In the half light from the lightning strikes and the candles Bifur had lit, I could just make out her slim form. Rain had plastered her curls to the heart shaped face, making her the only one who didn't look like a drowned rat.  
As she considered me in silence, my sense of alarm grew. She chewed on her lower lip- a sure sign something was wrong. 

Just how bad did I look? 

"Thank you. For saving me." 

I listened carefully for hoofbeats, but either the world wasn't ending or else the sound was drowned out by the storm. I didn't think she was capable of being nice to me. 

"Now. Hold still. This isn't going to be pleasant." She reached in her pocket. "Damnit! I forgot my handkerchief. Drat!" 

She carried a handkerchief? That was oddly adorable. 

Grabbing the edge of her camisole in both hands, she sent me a mock glare when I snorted. "Not one word." A strip of white cotton came loose, reluctantly parting from the wet shirt. Before more than a swatch of her stomach was revealed, she yanked down the over shirt. I hid a smile at her modesty. 

What was the world coming to? A woman ripping her clothes apart to tend to me when I didn't even remember what heroic thing it was that I did. Maybe heroic was too strong a word. The throbbing in my skull pointed decidedly more towards stupid.  
Gently, Bea dabbed at the source of my pain. I saw that the wet fabric came away red with blood and she resumed biting her lip. 

That's reassuring. 

"Couldn't just grab him and lean backwards, could we? Oh no. We had to be all heroic and jump off the cliff too. Lucky for you the car swerved at the last minute or you would be food for the vultures." Bea muttered under her breath as she efficiently bandaged the wound. 

"Nicely done!" Oin examined her work. "Where did you learn to do that?" 

A shrug that was enhanced by her shivering. In the drafty building, our wet clothes were heat sinks, and she was such a slight thing it was a miracle she wasn't an ice cube yet. "I took an EMT course in college." 

Helpless and in pain, my temper flared to life. I hate feeling useless. "Yes, nicely done. You're obviously more suited for nursing than actual campaigning. Maybe you should have stayed back and been our support group instead of joining this quest." 

Bea didn't rise to the bait. She clicked both hands on either side of my head. "Hear that? Both ears? Good. Now, follow my finger. Hmm. Eyes slightly dilated. Any nausea? I think you have a mild concussion." 

I growled at her. 

Sensing a storm brewing, one far darker than the one raging outside, Oin backed away, claiming he need to look after Fili. 

"I don't need you babying me, Ms. Baggins." 

One eyebrow rose. "Is that what I'm doing? Because I thought I was merely keeping you from losing too much blood. My mistake. I'll leave you to wallow in self pity." 

"Maybe you should just leave entirely." I snapped. "Mahal knows you aren't doing us any good besides dragging us down." 

Hurt flared in her gaze, but all she said was. "Try not to fall asleep for a while." Bea stood and joined the others, but she kept to the fringes of the circle. 

Well done, Thorin. Upset the person who knows how to bandage wounds and access Erebor. I sighed, rubbing a hand over my face. I would have to apologize to her tomorrow. My temper always got the best of me when I was exhausted or in pain. 

Still, part of it had been the truth, however callously worded. She wasn't a part of our group. How could she understand what it was like to be cast out from the only home you've ever known? To be abandoned by society? Made into a laughing stock and unable to help those who rely upon you?

The company had just drifted off to sleep, except for Bofur, whom I set on watch, and the pounding in my skull had just started to lessen, when an odd sound made me look up. Bea, who had been standing at the door, staring out through the glass into the night, turned around. 

We stared in horror as shutters slammed into place, covering the window front, the door, and all possible means of escape. Wild howling bombarded our ears. The men jumped to their feet, weapons ready, but too late. We were surrounded. 

Men in strange masks and baggy clothing invaded the small space. Some even dropped from the air ducts. All of them brandished deadly looking metal in their hands. 

I considered them stonily as we were poked and prodded deeper into the building, our weapons confiscated. 

Apparently someone fed the gremlins after midnight.


	7. Goblin Town

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thorin and Company are treated to the first rate hospitality of the Goblin gang, complete with musical numbers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Goblin King was always one of my favorite characters.  
> Feel free to comment!

Thorin: 

As we were shuttled down a wide staircase, Bofur turned to me and mouthed. "Where's Bea?" 

What?! I spun, madly counting bobbing heads. Ten...Eleven..I made thirteen. Son of a bitch. What had they done to her? 

"BEATRICE!" I roared. As soon as I found her, I was going to skin these Goblins alive. If any of them had hurt her...

Everyone jumped and began looking around wildly. The Goblins just stared at me. They seemed to think I had lost my mind. Well, that might be a fair assessment. Bea was shoving me off my rocker with innocent glee. 

We finally came to a halt in what once might have been a storage room. Now it was a veritable jungle-gym. Holes marred the drywall; rickety wooden structures climbed to the ceiling; garbage cans had been turned into steps and drums. A very rotund and revolting man sat at the other end of the room, watching us approach with malicious anticipation. He gestured to the men sitting on either side of him and they reached for the nearest upturned garbage can. 

Oh no. Don't play them. Don't-

THUMP. THUMP. THUMP. They whaled on the plastic, arm muscles bugling obscenely. 

Son of a bitch. 

I ran a hand over my face. Maybe this was a terrible, concussion induced dream. The throbbing in my skull, which resounded in time to the horrible rendition of STOMP, and the growing dread in my gut that Bea had been taken somewhere by the goons for something other than a tea party, however told me otherwise. 

"Broadway did it better." I informed the man who appeared to be the Goblin leader. 

"That's because you haven't heard His Malevolence sing." The Goblin to my left grinned evilly. 

Malevolence? Were we ripping off Disney as well now? Oh, no, that had been Malificent hadn't it. Whatever.

As long as he didn't start singing, then I might have a prayer of salvaging the situation. If he sang, I wouldn't be responsible for my actions-

"I feel a song coming on. Clap snap, the black crack. Grip, grab, pinch and nab, batter and beat-" 

The Universe must really hate me. 

"-You can yammer and yelp, but there ain't no help, pound pound far underground, down, down, down in Goblin Town!" 

I bet he practiced those menacing facial expressions in front of a mirror. Though how he could stand looking at himself for that long was a mystery to me. It appeared that a baker had gotten mad and flung lumpy flour at his face. 

"Like it? It's one of my own compositions." He said, misreading our expressions of deepest disgust. 

"That's not a song! That's an abomination!" Balin shouted from the back. 

Quite right, old friend. Couldn't have put it better myself. 

The Goblin leader, however, took this as a compliment. "Those are our favorite things here in Goblin Town. Now, state your business quickly or else I'll kill you for being boring." 

Really, the hospitality was a bit overwhelming. I would be sure to rate this place full stars on Yelp.com. 

I moved forward to open negotiations, but Oin stepped in front of me. "You're going to have to speak up, laddie. Your boys have busted my hearing aids." 

The Goblin leader grimaced. "Boring!" 

Bofur hurried forward. "If it's information you're after, it's me you should be talking to." 

"Well?" 

"Err. Well, you see we were just following the road. Not really a road. More like an alleyway. Or maybe less like an alleyway and more like a path." 

I hid a snort. If there was anyone who wasn't boring, Bofur certainly fit that bill. His mouth was always moving. 

Actually the person we really need was Bea. She had a knack for talking her way out of odd situations. Ice spiked in my veins at the thought of her disappearance. If something happened to her...

Worrying about it wasn't going to help any of us. I needed to get us out of this place first before I would be able to find her. 

"What is he on about?" The Goblin leader muttered to one of the drummers. 

He shrugged. "No idea. Bring out the Bone Breaker. Might clear things up." 

Somehow I didn't think they meant a meat tenderizer for the barbecue they were about to invite us to. 

"Exactly! If they will not talk, we'll make them sqwuak! Start with the youngest." He pointed a finger at Ori who went white as death. 

"Wait!" I commanded, striding forward. 

"Oh ho!" The man leaned forward. "Look who it is. Thorin son of Thrain, son of Thror! King Under the Mountain." He gave me an exaggerated bow while his cronies snickered appreciatively. 

Gits. 

Somehow I didn't think I should be flattered that he knew my childhood nickname. Father used to call me that when I pretended I was the CEO of Erebor. Since the company headquarters was in the shadow of the mountains that ringed the city, Erebor was often called the Fort Knox of the mountains. 

I try very hard to concentrate only on the steps that separate me from Erebor and not the past associated with it. If I let myself remember, not only the company but Grandfather and Father, I was liable to forget stealth and kill someone. Well, more liable than I was already. Grief and self pity would do me and mine no good. Only determination and courage. And I would be damned if I let this leprous twit get to me. 

"But wait! I'm forgetting. You don't have a mountain. Which makes you...nobody really." 

I gritted my teeth, keeping my face calm. Everyone thought they were a comedian these days. 

"I know someone who would pay a pretty price for your head." He grinned. "Just the head, you understand. Nothing attached." 

Did we have to have so many theatrics- wait, what? 

"An old enemy of yours. Perhaps you know of whom I speak." 

Not so much as a vague idea. Granted, I have made my fair share of enemies in my relatively young life, but none who would pay to have my head decorating their wall. Okay, there was that one guy from college, but I ended him years ago. 

"An albino Orc. With a custom white Harley." 

Now here was a notion of which I was only too happy to disabuse him. "Azog the Defiler was destroyed long ago." And with a nickname like that who could blame me? 

Maybe the man had some terrible disease that gave him the doughy appearance while eating away at his brain. It was common knowledge that Azog had been dealt with long ago. The dissolving brain theory would help explain his strange fascination with drums and bad singing. Didn't one of the STDs affect the brain? Now there was a horrifying mental image. 

"Oh, so you think his defiling days are over do you? We'll see about that." He leered at me and turned to the drummer again. "Send word to the pale Orc. I have his prize." 

Cackling, the man scampered off. Man, if I had minions like that I would be unstoppable. Instead I have two nephews with a danger complex and a pretty code breaker who seemed to have made it her life's mission to drive me insane. 

The Head Goblin sneered and gestured for the men holding us in the room to bring us farther forward. Our weapons were deposited at his feet and all of our pockets were roughly searched. The flash drive with the map on it was brought to him along with the knife at my belt that I had taken from the Troll Hoard. 

"Now this is interesting. What is a nobody such as yourself doing with a heavy duty flash drive?" 

Before I could react, he had flicked off the cap and inserted into the computer that was built into table. A few clicks later and then he smiled in triumph. "You should protect your secrets bet-" 

Beatrice's voice, amplified magnificently by the surround sound, filled the room with so much snark it was a miracle we didn't all combust. "Mssrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs are proud to present the Marauder's Map and suggest that if you do not have the necessary passcode, you remove your abnormally large nose from this file." 

"What?" The Goblin Head stared. 

"Ms. Baggins, their avid admirer and creator of this particular file, would further like to add that only an incompetent moron is capable of activating this response and would like to register her astonishment that such an idiot managed to work a computer in the first place." 

The black text against the bright white screen reflected in the Goblin's large eyes. Behind me, Fili and Kili had dissolved into silent laughter. I was torn between amused exasperation and unfurling dread that this would not end well. 

"Baggins? You know Baggins, the slayer of thousands of Goblin sheep?! Kill them all!" He roared, flinging himself back into his chair. Acute terror was stamped into every roll and bulge of his face. 

What the fuck? The Goblins kept sheep? And Bea had murdered all of them? 

The questions were driven out of relevance when the waiting men attacked. A whip whistled toward my face that I only just avoided. 

As good of fighters as my men are, we were outnumbered ten to one. I watched Fili go down under the weight of three men before I myself was slammed to the ground, a wicked knife swinging towards my eye. 

Then, a blinding flash of light made the world erupt into confusion and whiteness. Our attackers fell off, as dazed as we were. I blinked madly trying to regain control when a whiskey rough voice spoke in a remarkably calm tone. 

"Take up arms!" 

Gandalf? The edges of vision were coming back as I rolled to my side and tried to peer at the figure in the doorway. That was Gandalf alright, holding a flare gun. "Fight!" 

What? Oh, right. We should probably not die in this hellhole. 

I scrambled to my feet and managed to tackle a Goblin who had recovered quickly. My men were soon behind me as we tossed weapons backwards, trying to take advantage of Gandalf's interruption. The flare stuck in the ceiling, and it emitted threatening sparks that sizzled against my skin. If it wasn't put out soon, it could set this whole place on fire. 

Time to leave if there ever was one. 

I yanked the flash drive out of the computer and nodded to Gandalf. He offered me only a frown and the words "Follow me!" 

"Well, you heard the man!" I bellowed at my men. They hastened to jump over the still recovering forms of Goblins and bolted from the room. 

Without so much as a backwards glance at the moaning Goblin leader, I tore after them. How had Gandalf found us? And was Bea with him? If she was, I was going to tear her a new one for that stunt with the map. Then, she could tell me what her history was with the Goblins and why the leader thought she was a sheep murderess. 

Sheep, I ask you.


	8. Riddles in the Love Cave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beatrice finds herself in Gollum's hidey hole and discovers that stairs-and elevators- really do suck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is what I did instead of studying for finals. Yay me.  
> Feel free to comment below with suggestions, criticisms, sheep stories, and why stairs are horrible!

Beatrice: 

Somehow I lost track of not only my companions, but also reality for several minutes. When I finally deigned to rejoin the world, everyone had disappeared and I was staring at the underside of a chair. 

Rubbing ruefully at a bump that seemed to spontaneously have arisen on my skull, I stood carefully. The dim room wobbled slightly despite standing still, but I didn't vomit or fall. I counted it as a win. 

"Hello?" I ventured cautiously. "Thorin? Bofur?" 

Unsurprisingly, given the empty, barricaded room, no one answered. 

Good thing I didn't mind my own company. Normally a solitary person, I should have been reveling in the peace and quiet, but either it was the lump on my head or the grumpy bankers were starting to grow on me, because the eerie silence did little to calm my nerves. 

I dug in my pockets and finally came up with the pocket pen light that one of my cousins had given me for my birthday. 

"Well, Falco, remind me to thank you when I get out of this." 

The beam scattered on the floor, illuminating just enough that I didn't trip over everything. Slowly I made my way to what looked to be a promising doorway. Then the flashlight hit something that made my heart stop: An orange bandana, emblazoned with a large G that sat desolately in the middle of the floor. 

Goblins. Great. Just the people I wanted to run into. Maybe we could have a cup of tea and chat about our mutual hatred. 

Annoying, treacherous and decidedly ugly thugs, they loved creating mischief in this part of the city. If you kept to yourself and didn't both their business interests, the Goblins were nothing more than a nuisance. However, if you happened to have a slight misunderstanding with their leader that involved several sheep, it was sheer survival to avoid everything to do with them. 

One night when I had taken a shortcut home, not paying attention to where I was, I had found myself in Goblin territory. I realized that they take the whole person non grata thing quite seriously. For my troubles, I had received two broken ribs, a police report, and a hospital bill. 

Cautiously, I edged towards the door and nudged it with my foot. The door opened soundlessly, revealing a long hallway that seemed to end in a staircase. Oh good, a way down. 

It had been rumored that the Goblins had taken over the steam tunnels under downtown. I knew for a fact that the Orcs had control over the tunnels in the North up by Dul Guldur and beneath that fantastic Asian restaurant, Moria, but it made sense that the Goblins would also take to the dark. Harder for the cops to pin them down. 

I pulled out my cellphone and dialed Fili's number. Straight to voicemail. So he probably was underground with no reception. To play it safe, I also called Gandalf and left him a message, explaining as best I could where we were and how much trouble we had found. 

My mild case of claustrophobia flared to life as I squared my shoulders and headed down the black hallway, ears pealed for any sound of footsteps. The pen light hit what I had thought was a staircase and I stopped abruptly. It was a way down into the tunnels, that was certain, but it wasn't via stairs. 

It appeared to be an old elevator shaft, minus the elevator. Gaping like a ravenous maw, the darkness called to me, cajoling me into taking one more step. 

I backed away hastily. There had to be a better way to find the men. If there was an elevator, there must be stairs to comply with the fire code. 

The thought had no sooner occurred to me when a blistering pain erupted from my neck and I tumbled headfirst into the shaft, a malicious cackle ringing down with me. 

Stupid Goblin. 

Panic had barely risen before THUMP! I bounced several times to a stop on what appeared to be a pile of garbage. I didn't even mind the smell as I lay there for a second, catching my breath, heart racing along at break neck speed. 

I was never, ever going skydiving. That was terrifying.

Where on earth was I? 

Doors branched off from the walls to either side of me. So many that I was overwhelmed with choice. Farther down the corridor I was standing in, something- or many somethings- emitted a pale blue glow that obscured any sight further on. Odd sounds issued from the glowing room, some that sounded like speech and some that sounded like a bad polka band practicing. 

Well, maybe there would be kindly men in leiderhosen who more than happy to point me in the correct direction with a beer in hand. I could do with a drink right about now. Anything to dull the dread that something awful had happened to the others. 

What if the Goblins had killed them all and mistaken me for dead? Dragged their bodies off to some pit deep underground? What if the Goblin leader had taken them alive to torture them for sport? Or for information about me? He would like nothing more than to watch me roast slowly over a bonfire. 

Gods, if something had happened to Thorin, I would never forgive myself. Not when he finally had a chance to reach Erebor. 

The glow bathed me in a dull blue light as I edged into the room. It was a cavernous room. Steam pipes ran along the edges of the distant wall and ceilings, crisscrossing water lines and emergence valves. In the center of this cave stood a ring of monitors. All as large as flat screen televisions, they all pointed towards the middle of the circle. Each screen held something different- scrolling numbers, porn, Netflix, a Wikipedia article about bad breath, but there was no one insight. 

My eyes slowly adjusted to the garish light and I was able to see what else the room held. To my right was a miniature kitchen that looked as if it had been made from a wide array of hand-me-downs, all of which had seen better days. Off to my left was a nest of sorts made from blankets and pillows. Next to it stood an impressive collection of DVDs on a bookcase. 

I walked over to the bookcase, hoping to find a clue as to where I was. It was an odd collection that had one dominant theme-porn. 

Oh yay. I was in the love cave of a pervert. 

Laying on the floor, as if it had been knocked off in haste, was a flash drive. Now, I will be the first to say that I am not perfect. Not even close. And curiosity is one of my biggest flaws, especially when it comes to technology and this was one of the thinnest flash drives I had ever seen. It was colored an unfortunate shade of gold, but it was so light! This must be on the bleeding edge of the current memory tech. 

Of course, judging by the content of the DVDs, I probably didn't want to know what was on this flash drive. 

The soft sound of a shoe scuffing on concrete made me whirl, the drive clutched tightly in my hand. "Hello?" 

A man stared at me from the circle of computers. Straggly greasy hair hung to either side of a face screwed up in fury. 

He hunched his shoulders and shuffled towards me with a switchblade in his hands. 

Uh-oh. Dr. Love wasn't the friendly type. 

"Sorry to intrude, but I'm lost. Do you think you might help me find the way back topside?" I said hurriedly. As I reached for the knife Gandalf had made me take from the Troll Hoard, just in case, the drive fell into my pocket. 

"Lost? Is she lost?" He hissed. His voice was oddly garbled- not as if he had an accent, but as though he wasn't used to speaking so loudly. "But who is she, precious?" 

Umm..."My name is Beatrice Baggins. Umm. Nice to meet you." 

"Baggins? What is a Bagginses, precious?" 

Who was this precious? Was there a woman skulking in the shadows? I glanced around, but we seemed quite alone. 

"Gollum!" He coughed. 

"Gollum? Is that...is that your name?" I tried to keep my voice friendly. 

I received no definite answer. Gollum circled me, knife still pointed at my throat. 

"Right. Well, pleasure to meet you. I'll just be going." 

"But Bagginses is lost." 

Yeah, thanks for reminding me. "Yes, and I'd like to get un-lost as soon as possible. I don't exactly make a game of this." 

"Game?" His expression lightened comically. It was if a switch had just been flipped in his mind. "We love games, precious!" 

Before I could reply, the switch flipped again and he scowled. "Gollum! No games. Just kill the Bagginses." 

"No! No!. I love games!" I said quickly. "How about we have us...a game of riddles, hmm? If I win, you show me the way out of here." 

"And if we wins? What then, precious?" He asked suspiciously. 

"Umm." There was an outcome I didn't want to contemplate. 

"Well, precious, if we wins, we get to keep her for funsies." 

I blinked rapidly. Somehow, I didn't think he meant the kind of fun that was legal in any of the fifty states. Still, I didn't exactly have a plethora of options. "Fair enough." 

He smiled and gestured with the knife for me to have a seat on the floor. "Well, Bagginses first." 

"Right." Why had I suggested riddles? I only knew a few of them from playing Dungeons and Dragons. The idea had just popped into my head and out of my mouth before I had fully contemplated it. Still, it was better than tic-tac-toe, I supposed. I always lost at that game. "Right. First riddle." 

Please let him be as stupid as your average Goblin, I prayed as I recited a riddle about teeth. Please may he be thick. 

Unfortunately, Gollum proved to be quite clever. He answered both of my riddles and nearly stumped me with his second. It was only by sheer luck that I thought of wind and that was only because I was watching his screen saver of a pond. 

"Well. Last question." Gollum spoke after a moment. "Last...chance." 

It was quite unfortunate that he was so odd. When he was thinking about the riddle, his expression eased and he was like the puppy that had just piddled on the floor- adorable and yet not. However, when he contemplated me with an expression of anticipation, he was catapulted into the I-have-a-white-van-with-candy-for-children category. 

"Yes, yes." I cast my mind in every direction, desperate for something that sounded even vaguely riddle-like. Maybe something about Lord Voldermort? 

Hah. Pun. See what I did there? 

Oh, right. Focus Bea. I nibbled on my lower lip, but no brain waves occurred. 

Damn it! Think! 

"Come on. Ask us. Ask us a question!" 

Almost of its free will, my hand drifted to my pocket and felt a small blip. "What do I have in my pocket?" My knife was in my hand and my wallet was back in Gandalf's car along with my keys. 

"No fair! That's against the rules!" Gollum cried. He grabbed a keyboard and chucked it at me. 

I jumped, having half forgotten he was there. "Hey!" 

"Ask us another!" 

"I don't think so. You said, 'ask me a question.' Well, I did. That's your final question. What do I have in my pocket?" I told him sharply. Please oh please don't have X-ray vision. 

I grimaced. Thank you panic for once again giving me a horrible mental image. 

"Three guesses! Bagginses must give us three guesses, precious!" 

"Fine." 

He glanced widely around as if looking for inspiration. "Handses!" 

I held my arms wide. "Nope. Guess again." 

Gollum clutched his head, his breathing going rapid with panic. "Umm, keyboard, keys, mouse, bones...KNIFE!"  
I blinked at him. Not very quick on the up take were we? Rolling my right wrist, I sent the blade singing through the air. 

"Wrong again." 

"Oh shut up!" He snarled, clapping a hand forcefully to his head. 

"Cords!" Then his expression became fierce. "Or nothing!" 

"Hah! Two guesses as once, and incorrect both times." I tried not to sound too smug. Wonderful relief crashed through me. If I made it out of this creepy cesspool, I could try and find the guys. "I win. You have to show me the way out of here." 

"Do we, precious? Do we really?" He whispered, shambling towards me. 

Uh-oh. I held the knife out in front of me. "Yes, yes you do. You swore." 

"I don't think we did, precious. Not in so many words. Besides, what does Bagginses have in its pockets?" 

I backed slowly away. This had taken a definite turn for the terrifying. "That is no concern of yours. Which way to the top?" 

Gollum came to an abrupt stop as if he had just hit a wall. Frantically, he started patting his pockets. "Where is it, precious? WHERE IS IT?" 

Before I could so much as blink, he had torn from the room, yelling at the top of his voice. 

Dread formed a solid lump in my stomach. Somehow I knew what he was missing. Despite all common sense that dictated otherwise, I knew. But exactly was on this flash drive? 

Heart racing, I ran to the nearest monitor. Fumbling in my haste, it took three tries to jam the drive into the USB port. As soon as the computer recognized the input, the screen exploded. 

My eyes darted back and forth as I tried to understand what it was I was seeing. It couldn't be. It just couldn't.  
But it was. 

Somehow, against everything I had ever been taught or seen for myself, I was looking at a universal hacking code. One that could infiltrate every firewall and security measure there was. And this was programmed to do so without detection. 

Oh dear. Oh dear, dear dear. If this fell into the wrong hands...Banking accounts, government secrets, national security- it would all be at risk and no one would know. 

Screams brought me back to earth. Quickly, I scanned the drive for anything that might help me. Three quick keystrokes and I yanked the drive free and ran for my life. I didn't much fancy seeing what Gollum would do if he caught me. 

Though I had only had a quick glance of the map that the flash drive held, I knew that my first three turns should be lefts. So I bolted towards the nearest door and slid around the corner. 

Please let my half-assed plan work. Please, Oh Great Lady-Man-Person-Iluvatar In the Sky, let this work. 

Humming Great Spirit in the Sky under my breath, I made another left. Either I offended said spirit with my lack of pitch or else I had failed to hit START, but none of the lights turned on. 

Damnation. They were all wired together. My hack should have done the trick. 

Of course, maybe it was just that much more entertaining to have me stumble through darkness, stubbing my toe every other step. Yes, nice one, Universe. Good to see you're mature. 

Perhaps it was my mental pep talk, but the Universe finally got its shit together and the suffocating silence shattered in the blaring of the fire alarm. 

Whirling white lights flared to life, blasting the shadows away. Even more promising, red EXIT signs erupted and I wasn't lost any more. I had never seen a sweeter sight. 

"Thief! Bagginses!" The cry came from behind me, but I refused to look back and poured on the speed. 

After these shenanigans to Erebor ended, I should try out for the Olympic track team. All they had to do to inspire me to gold was to have a certifiably nuts man and a horde of Goblins as my chase pack. 

The hallway ended in a real staircase this time. I stopped admiring my own athleticism and concentrated on breathing. 

Then I really couldn't focus on anything but the stitch in my side. 

Holy hell. How do people run miles upon miles? How do they not keel over and die? And stairs! Whoever invented stairs must have a special place reserved from them in Hell. Where they are forced to endlessly walk up them without resting. 

Gah. I couldn't breathe. Couldn't breathe. 

If-when- I made it up these endless stairs, I was going straight to MacDonalds and ordering a Big Mac. I mean, I was burning all these calories, surely I deserved a reward. I could even be healthy and ask for extra lettuce. 

Voices drifted down to me as I found the last flight of stairs. Recognition and hope gave me the energy to tackle them, though it was slow going. 

"-she has been lost since she first set foot out of her door." That sounded like Thorin. Who was lost? Hopefully not his sister. That wouldn't be good for him or his nephews. One of these days I wanted to meet Dis. She sounded like a neat lady. 

Maybe she would cook me dinner. Anything at all sounded just grand at this point. And Kili did say his mother was an excellent cook. Then we could plot ways to annoy Thorin. 

"Beatrice-"

Hey that's me! 

"-has thought of nothing but her soft bed We will not be seeing her again. She is long gone."

Always nice when people have faith in you, isn't it? 

Gollum gave a great cry of discovery. He was almost on me. Breathing hard, I made one last great push, the final EXIT sign a glowing benediction before me. 

The door burst open under my weight and I tumbled straight into Thorin. The elbow to his jaw was completely accidental I swear. The door clanged shut behind me. 

"Howdy." I gasped, doubled over. If I never saw a stair again in my life, it would be too soon. 

"Bea!" Gandalf beamed at me as excited thumps rained down on my back. I appreciated the gesture, but it didn't much help with getting my breath back. 

"But how did you get past the Goblins?" Fili wanted to know. 

"And why did you come back?" Thorin growled, rubbing his hand along his chin. 

I wheezed at him. 

"Well, what does it matter? She's here now." Gandalf said. He handed me water bottle which I gratefully gulped. 

"No, I want to know. Why did you come back?" Thorin insisted. 

The first rays of sunlight bathed the company in gold and lavender. I had never been so happy to be outside. Now if I could take a shower to wash off the Goblin and Gollum filth, I would be in seventh heaven. 

When I felt that I wouldn't be ripped in half from the searing pain in my side, I tried to answer Thorin honestly. Or maybe it was myself who needed to know. 

"You're right. I love my apartment. I miss it. I miss my books. My computer. That's where I belong. But you lot don't have that. A place where you feel you belong. It was taken from you. 

I may not be the kindest person in the world, and perhaps I am doing this partially to prove to myself that I can, but I will help you take back your company if I can. I...I let down someone in a similar situation once, but I will do everything in my power to not repeat past mistakes." 

They all beamed at me, except for Thorin. His glare had lost some of its Darth Vader-esque evil though, which I counted as a win. 

Gandalf seemed to think the matter was settled because he led us down the street at a brisk pace. 

"What is the thing with you and the Goblin Head?" Balin asked a moment later, falling into step with me. 

I rolled my eyes. "Is he still mad about that?" 

"What on earth did you do? He seemed to think you were the scourge of the planet." 

"Yeesh. You hack a person's Minecraft™ account and suddenly you're the Anti-Christ. What is the world coming to?" 

Fili laughed. "You killed his virtual sheep? He was talking as if you had massacred a real herd in some satanic ritual." 

"No, they were all virtual sheep. I made them all have this alarming tendency to walk into lava whenever he tried to collect their wool. He had terrorized my friend after she politely asked him to stop singing. Everyone knows he obsessed with his sheep herds on that game. Wants to make them all breed green fiber. Though I did secure a few real live ones, painted them green and ran them through his farmer's market." 

"So you're the reason lettuce prices skyrocketed last year." Gloin muttered. "That was an outrage, that was."  
Water splashed into my face as I opened my mouth to answer. Spluttering, I glared at Kili. "What was that for? I was nearly dry!" 

"Holy water. Just checking to make sure you really aren't the Anti-Christ." He guffawed at my expression. 

"Yeah, well, if I explode into flames, I'm giving you a bear hug." I growled, pushing wet hair out of my face. 

"What?" I snapped at Thorin when he smiled. 

"Nothing. Nothing. Just...sheep. Brilliant." 

And suddenly I didn't mind the water or the pain in my legs so much anymore.


	9. Parkour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After leaving the oh so enjoyable company of syphilitic Goblins, the Company finds itself investigating the attractiveness of parkour.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to my roommate who provided her services as a sounding board and detour from writer's block.   
> Enjoy and feel free to comment! I promise to respond.

Thorin: 

So Bea somehow escaped the sheep loving Goblins in one piece. She refused to answer questions and had a funny look on her face every time we passed by an elevator. 

The third time this happened, I used my brilliant set of deductive skills to deduce that something was wrong, and asked her, "you alright?" 

She stared steadily at my shoulder. A slight pucker appeared between her eyebrows."Fine. How are you?" 

"You are a terrible liar." I informed her. 

Storm clouds started to gather in those gray eyes before she suddenly laughed, finally meeting my gaze. "Yes, I am. And just as bad at riddles." 

Riddles? She always spoke in riddles. How could she be bad at them? 

"How is your head feeling?" Bea peered at me. 

"Fine. How's yours?" I deadpanned. 

Another smile. "Peachy keen. Where are we going?" 

Since when was Bea so full of butterflies and excitement. "Are you sure you're alright?" 

"Yes. I'm sure." Rolling her shoulders, she cast one last look at the elevator before turning resolutely forward. "I've just recently   
found a significant hatred for elevators is all." 

"You're afraid of heights?" I hadn't noticed. 

"And perverts." 

Or that's what I heard her mutter, but that didn't make much sense. Maybe she meant something that rhymed with 'pervert' though Mahal help me if that cleared matters up. 

"Where are we going?" Bea glanced around at the business we had just entered. 

"Ask your grandfather. All I know is we need to find the first piece of the Arkenstone which is somewhere in the Mountains." Actually that brought me to another point. "I would have looked at the map to get a better idea, but it appears only you and the Marauders can access the file. Which presents a bit of a quandary when you're missing and they have no idea what Muggle technology is." 

Bea laughed. "I never would have pegged you as a Harry Potter fan."

"Yes, well, I helped raise my two nephews after Dis's husband died. They're like Fred and George come to life." I shrugged. There was something reassuring about this simple conversation. Beatrice was incredibly easy to talk to. Everything she thought showed on her face; there was no deception, no disgust, no blame. She didn't give two shakes of a rat's ass that all of us were unemployed. 

"Just be glad they can't do magic as well." 

"For Durin's sake don't give them any ideas." I widened my eyes in mock horror. "Besides, they already think they're Mahal's gift to women. Ask them about their wands, I dare you." 

"I wouldn't be able to sleep for weeks." Bea grinned. "Just so you know, by the way, you or any of the company are able to access the map. You just have to type in Erebor's firewall name." 

"Orcrist?"

"Are you asking me or telling me?"

Ha. Ha. "Why did you pick that?" 

"It seemed appropriate. Gandalf told me once that it was named for an ancient sword renowned for its feats in battle." Beatrice shrugged. She opened her mouth to say something else but a horrible scream cut off the words. Then, like a gathering storm, rumbles rent the air. 

Gandalf appeared suddenly at Beatrice's side. "Orcs." 

That man must have a sixth sense for trouble. Though with us around it must be going off 24/7. Hopefully it had a catchy alarm tone. 

"How did they find us?" Balin demanded. 

Damned good question. Did we have signs on our backs that said If Found Please Notify the Orcs? 

"Somebody must have seen which direction we left the Goblins and called it in. If their message reached the Orcs they knew we were there already." I said. 

Obviously our quota for Life Threatening Situations in day hadn't been filled yet. Why not throw in a few homicidal drug dealers to keep things interesting? 

"We have to be close to the Aerie." I said.

The Eagles, the not technically government approved, but street respected, were an untouchable group that worked to keep the streets safe from corrupting influences. Kind of like the police, only much scarier with a mean looking mascot. 

"I know their commander. He owes me a favor." Gandalf nodded. "Let's go. Quickly!"

Bea sighed almost inaudibly next to me. When I glanced at her she shrugged. "There was a reason I didn't do track in high school.   
The world has a sick sense of humor." 

On that we completely agreed. 

Slowly, like a jet engine coming to life, we all started to jog and then run. The sounds of pursuit got steadily closer and closer as we wound our way through the Mountains. I kept checking my daggers and guns as we raced through the streets, startling the average people heading from office building to office building. 

"Really? A motorcycle gang that deals with drugs and tattoos, how original." Bea snorted as the first Orc came into view. 

How nice that she could spare the energy for sarcasm. I was busy trying to keep my nephews alive and moving. The roar of the motorcycles became so loud that I could barely hear myself think. 

They were surrounding us. We had nowhere to go. 

Nowhere to go but...

"Up! Climb, quickly!" Gandalf bellowed. 

You have got to be joking. 

Up their asses? Because I wouldn't want to venture there but I would be more than happy to introduce my gun to the new climate. How did Kili put it? Pop a cap in their asses. Hopefully metaphorically because I don't think there is enough hand sanitizer in the world for that. Maybe I could pop a cap in their heads. Nah, didn't sound as catchy. 

See, I can be hip. 

Gandalf didn't seem to be kidding however. What were we supposed to be climbing? We were on a small stretch of street in downtown's business district. To our left was a glass and metal monstrosity of the clothing store H&M. To our right a traffic locked street. The only thing we could possibly scale were the lamp posts, but unless I was traveling with secretive gymnasts, how the hell were we going to get up them? Granted, I didn't make the best grade in my college physics course, but I was pretty sure a small thing called gravity would be working against us. 

Gandalf, in a continuing disregard for the meaning behind his age, jumped onto a park bench and then caught the tip of the street light and pulled himself up. Balancing on one foot he swept me a bow. 

Yeah, you should have an Olympic medal in gymnastic meddling. 

Then another problem presented itself. There weren't enough lamp posts for all of us. Motorcycles darted between stalled cars, drawing closer and closer. 

Fili and Kili jumped from one to the awning of the store to the delighted claps of business women from below. I ground my teeth and leaped up onto the head of a statue. 

If I ended up on some viral internet video, I was going to take my proverbial cap straight to Gandalf. 

Once settled on my precarious post, I felt even more like a moron. And a coward, running from the Orcs. Well, climbing from them. Still, I had a duty to see to the safety of my men. If that meant being the mayor's hat for the evening, well, at least the dental benefits are good. 

Then I glanced down and saw Bea was still at ground level. An Orc had cornered her against the store windows. Her knife was out, but I could read the hesitation on her face even from here. 

"Bea! Just stab him!" I hollered. "Pretend he's a pincushion." 

Her mouth moved, and though I was too far away to hear her, I was ninety percent sure she said, "Ugly ass pincushion." 

The Orc revved his engine and shot past her, sickly looking machete held out to gut her. Bea darted to the side and thrust. The knife sliced cleanly through his heart and out his back. 

Her lip curled in utter revulsion, she tugged to free the blade, stumbling backwards from the bike's momentum. 

"Bea!" 

The other Orcs were gaining ground. I could see the individual piercings and tattoos underneath the ball caps and hoodies. They all stared at Bea as if she was the last crab leg at an all you can eat special. 

Her blade came free. She glanced around in a state of mild panic before darting towards the nearest lamp post. 

"Parkour!" She yelled, planting one foot on the garbage can before grabbing onto the edge of the lamp, feet swinging. An Orc took a swipe at her feet and would have caught her had she been a second slower. 

Damnation woman, you are giving me gray hairs. 

My heart had barely started to beat again when I saw something that made the world go red around the edges. 

"It cannot be." I hissed. 

A brilliant white and chrome Harley motorcycle raced onto the sidewalk, coming to a stop right below us. The rider had only one arm, the other replaced with a stylized, crude prosthetic. And his skin was pure white. 

Azog. Called the Defiler. One of the most notorious drug dealers this city had ever seen. No regard for innocent lives or general morality. He was a first class evil psychopath. 

And he hated bacon. I mean, come on. Who hates bacon? 

We had been roommates the first semester in college. To say we didn't get along would be the understatement of the century. By finals week it had devolved to all out war. I'm not proud of what I did, but at least I didn't resort to petty violence and blackmail. 

Then, we met again after Smaug took Erebor. Grandfather had tried to retake our old business of Moria on the west side of town. Azog had personally seen to the destruction of that merger. And he had tried to blow up the building were the negotiations were taking place. Grandfather died and Father went missing, insane with grief. 

Oh, but I had gotten him back. Cut off his arm and sold him out to the DEA. Everyone had told me he died of his wounds in prison, but apparently there was a giant conspiracy against me. 

Azog sniffed the air. "Do you smell that? Fear. Your grandfather reeked of it before I killed him. Are you going to die the same way, Oakenshield? Pleading me, begging for your life like some pathetic rat." 

Rage flooded me, crystalizing the world into intense focus. I might have failed once in ridding the world of his filth, but I would not do so again. He was the reason Grandfather had died penniless and ashamed. He was the reason Fili and Kili had never known their grandfather. 

Oh, I was going to enjoy this.


	10. Be Prepared

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The showdown between one rather recalcitrant heir to Erebor and an ugly biker with no sense of musical appreciation.

Beatrice: 

The world had gone mad. Or at least one very important member of the world had suddenly fallen off his proverbial rocker. And smashed his few remaining brain cells to bits on the way down. 

Thorin jumped down from his post atop the statue and drew his weapons. Both he and Azog cast aside their guns as he approached until both had only bared knives as long as their forearms. 

"Have you taken leave of your common sense? Because I think you should find it again real soon." Balin cried. 

"Maybe you should try looking back atop that statue." I hollered. 

He ignored our very good advice and continued forward. In fairness to him, I think our voices didn't even register. All he could see was the pain and suffering Azog had caused. 

Very...err...noble? No. Brave?…Let's go with...idiotic of him. He was outnumbered ten to one even if we all hadn't been trying out life as pigeons. (On a personal note, it really sucks have found a new fear of heights only to find oneself decorating the top of a lamppost twenty feet in the air). And there was no way in hell that the Orcs would let Thorin within spitting distance of their leader. 

"THORIN!" I screamed. 

His sword hand twitched but that was his only response. 

Oh you idiot. If we made it out of this, I was going to have your hide for scaring ten years off my life. Think of all I could have accomplished with those ten years: Backpacking across Europe, discovering a new algorithm for predicting the stock market, having a family of curly haired, sea green eyed hellions. 

Wait, what? Where the hell had that come from? 

Azog smirked, unaware of my internal epiphanies- more like delusions- as Thorin approached. He snarled something to his companions who grunted out laughs that would have been home in a hyena enclosure. 

Then a scream from behind me wrenched my gaze from the murderous tableau. Dori and Ori were hanging by their fingertips from the edge of another light about twenty feet from me. Only their grasp on the handle of Gandalf's walking stick kept them from falling to a painful landing.

Scratch that. Painful death. They were hanging over an open manhole. If memory served from a contract job I had done with the city planners, we were standing atop an entrance to the steam tunnels. Not only was that back into Goblin territory, but that was a much farther drop. 

Balin and the others weren't in much better shape. Most were balanced precariously on their own posts. We wouldn't last much longer. If our balances didn't kill us, the Orcs would. 

Thorin swung his knife- okay, more like a sword- through the air in a menacing arc. Azog merely grinned.You patronizing son of a bitch. If Thorin didn't clean your clock, I sure as hell would.

As soon as Thorin came within ten feet of Azog, the Harley leapt forward. The exchange happened so quickly I could barely tell what occurred, but both Thorin and Azog appeared to have gotten in blows. Azog, however, had the advantage of momentum. Thorin was flung hard onto his back. The breath must have been knocked out of him because he lay there for several seconds on the sidewalk as Azog turned his bike around. 

"THORIN!" I screamed again. Gods damnit! I couldn't just sit here and watch! Desperately, I glanced around but we were completely surrounded and no one was going to come to our aid. 

"HELP!" I screamed but the passersby only hurried away. 

Gee, what a way to renew my faith in humanity. 

Azog was back. A great mace looking thing twirling above his head, he caught Thorin in the chest as he struggled to find his feet again. Like a rag doll in a hurricane, Thorin was flung backwards until he slammed into the side of the building. 

He didn't get back up. 

Please, Thorin, get up! Please! Don't make me lose you. 

"THORIN!"

I stared at him, willing him to breathe. Five agonizing seconds later I saw his chest start to rise and fall again. His eyes opened and refocused on Azog. 

Azog pulled his bike to a halt. "Bring me his head." 

Oh no you don't.

Before I could stop and think about what I was doing or allow myself to freak out, I wrapped my legs around the pole and slid down. I even managed to land halfway gracefully. 

Maybe I should consider a career in pole dancing. Probably have a better life expectancy than my current career path. 

Racing forward, I planted myself between Azog and Thorin. The knife sprang easily to hand. That's right you smug SOB. I have something pointy and it's thirsty. 

"How cute. Thorin gets a woman to fight his battles for him." 

"Why is that an insult? Women have greater endurance and higher pain tolerances than men. Ah, I get it. You were trying to add misogynist to your list of descriptors. My apologies for disrupting." I said. Three Orcs approached me from different angles. I twisted slightly to keep them all in view. 

Azog blinked at me as if surprised we could understand each other. Not like we're speaking different languages here, bud. 

"Maybe you should give your thugs more instructions. They don't seem to do well with this whole thinking on their own schtick." I glanced aside at the Orcs. "Of course, I've never thought hyenas essential. They're crude and unspeakably plain." 

Now he was glaring at me. "What?" 

"Da da hum. Da da hum. Thick as you are pay attention! It's clear from your vacant expressions, the lights are not all on upstairs. Come on, chorus now!" I sang and waved my hands like a conductor, hoping that if I played for time, a miracle might come save our collective ass. "Da dum hum. Something something, BE PREPARED!" 

Everyone was staring at me as if I had lost my mind. "Really? The Lion King? You lot have no taste." 

My time for witticism was over as the three Orcs rushed me. They had not been so gentlemanly as to throw away their guns or get off their bikes. 

Oh shit was I in trouble. Azog was in front of me. I couldn't back up without leaving Thorin's limp form exposed and there were three Orcs blocking me on the sides. Right. Well. This was one hell of a way to go. I took a deep steadying breath and braced  
myself. 

The Orc to my right pulled out a sawed off shotgun and pulled the trigger. The sound alone was enough to knock me off my feet. Somehow I turned my fall into a roll, coming to land atop Thorin. Fire raced across my back and legs. I buried a scream in Thorin's chest. 

Buckshot, my mind calmly told me. Two more approaching from the left. I had to get up and face them. Had to stop them from firing again. 

A crazy idea flashed through my head. Oh boy was this a bad plan. Unfortunately I wasn't exactly spoiled for choice. Alright, buck up, Bea. You can do this. Easy as hacking into the school system to change the lunch specials. 

One breath. Three. I launched myself over Thorin, aimed and let go of my knife. Pain erupted across my back, robbing me of breath and knocking me back to the ground. The knife connected with a meaty thud and another body joined me on the sidewalk. 

Hah. At least I wasn't going down alone. Loud yells assaulted my ears and the pavement shuddered as the Company jumped to the ground and attacked. I crawled back to Thorin and tried to stem the bleeding. Thorin had been hit by the buckshot as well, only his was in his side. Abdomen wounds were never good. 

"Thorin! Thorin, stay with me! Please, blink or something. Thorin!" I slapped gently at his face. His eyelids fluttered, but that was the only response he gave. 

"Hang on, damn you. I will bake you a huge chocolate cake if you stay with me. Chocolate ganache frosting. Raspberries too?" No response. Let's see if a threat worked. "Thorin! I will throw you back to your sister. Dis seems like a perfectly frightening lady." 

No response. I choked on a sob and pressed harder on the wound. "Damn you. Don't leave me." 

Gandalf let out a victorious yell that made me look up. More people were converging on us. Only they wore only brown, not the blue of the cops or the strange black of the Orcs. The guns they carried were some serious fire power. And...

BOOM! 

Flames blossomed to life not ten feet from me. "WAS THAT A GRENADE?" 

Kili dropped to his knees on the other side of Thorin. Heat flamed my face and through the flames I saw the Orcs retreat a few paces. "Flash bombs actually. The Eagles are here. Hold on, Uncle. Can you grab his other arm, Bea? We need to get him up." He handed me several pills that he said was aspirin to help me get moving again. 

I swallowed them, nearly choking without water, but they went down. We waited a few seconds as the Eagles cleared a route and then Kili motioned to me. 

That proved easier said than done. When I stood, my legs shook, the sliced muscles unsure of whether they wanted to take my weight. Now I know how the squirrels felt. Maybe the trolls had been onto something with the rodent analogy. 

Did weasels ever get shot? Were weasels even rodents? Maybe I should get one as a pet. Or a tiger that I could ride and have it rip people's faces off. Now there was an idea. 

"Bea?" Gandalf's concerned face swam before me. 

Oh good. The painkillers were making me loopy. "What the hell did you give me?" 

Kili's face was a blur of innocence. "Oxicoton. The best there is." 

"Damn it! Narcotics always make me hallucinate and quickly. I thought you said it was aspirin!" 

"Umm. I lied? Wow, there Bea." 

The street became an alarming shade of blue. Almost as if I were standing on the edge of a cliff, about to jump. Oh gods, I was going to vomit. 

Strong arms caught me around the middle and threw me up against a strong chest. Brown fabric. One of the Eagles.  
I remember nothing about our trip except the wind against my face. By the time I was set down again in a solarium, the hallucinations had mostly stopped and all I had left was a pounding headache. 

The glass walls and ceiling showed a magnificent view of the city. Skyscrapers stood to other side of our sanctuary and far, far away I saw a building that looked rather familiar, but I couldn't put my finger on why I thought so. 

Thorin was set on a pile of cushions Fili hastily threw onto the floor from the lawn furniture. The Eagles left us after making sure no one was in serious danger and promised to send people up with water and more bandages. I tried to thank them as they left. 

"Anything for a relative of Gandalf's." One of them said, clapping me gently on the back. "Rest now, little one. You're safe here."  
Balin helped hold me down while Oin pulled out the buckshot lodged in me with the pliers on a Leathermen tool. I gritted my teeth over screams, but I couldn't help the whimpers that escaped. 

Finally, finally the torture ended and they bandaged me up. Nori gave me a sympathizing nod. "Nothing hurts worse than buckshot. Good they got it out. Hate when it festers in the skin." 

Err..."Yeah, me too." 

Gandalf was kneeling next to Thorin, muttering dire curses under his breath as he removed the pellets. I had just regained my feet when Thorin's eyes snapped open. 

"The hacker?" 

"Beatrice is fine, Thorin. We all are. Lie still." 

Oh thank the heavens. I was going to skin him alive for being so stupid. Then I would have to bake him that cake I promised. A little chocolate never went amiss. 

Once again he proved that he is incapable of listening to common sense as he struggled to his feet and limped over to me. He stopped so close I was forced to tip my head back to meet his glare. 

Umm...Was now a good time to remind him that I had just saved his ass? Again. 

"What were you doing? You nearly got yourself killed! Did I not say that you would be a burden? That a computer hacker like you would be useless to us?" 

I flinched. Yes, he had, several times. But what did I do? I went and empathized with the guy. Actually started to think of him as a real person. Maybe even someone I admired. More than admired. 

This was just more proof that I had no business reentering the computer world. Time after time it ended in the gutter. 

Still, I refused to let him see the barb hurt. I lifted my chin and forced myself to continue holding his gaze. Just words, Bea. You saved his life. No one was killed this time. 

"I have never been so wrong in all my life." 

Umm. Come again? 

Careful of my back, he pulled me into his arms. Completely startled I could do nothing more than breathe in his unique, spicy scent. Then, I tentatively hugged him back, but he made no move to release me. Umm. What the hell? I stopped my mind from spinning and simply enjoyed the hug. 

I heard Kili sniggering from behind me, but I didn't look up. I was in the arms of a suicidally brave and really attractive man and what did Kili have? An armful of bandages and scorched eyebrows. 

Then again, maybe the computer world did have its perks.


	11. A small respite

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Company recovers for a few moments while Bea investigates the Arkenstone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a short one for the moment. Blame it on the mind numbing conference I had to attend for what felt like a century.   
> More soon!   
> Also, I don't use Twitter, so roll with me on this one. However I do know that the Actual Smaug account is pretty entertaining if you're looking for a laugh.

Beatrice: 

Slowly we trickled down from the top solarium of the Aerie and went to find our hosts. It wasn't until we were half way down that I remembered our purpose in coming to the Mountains. We needed to find a piece of the Arkenstone. Which meant I needed a computer first to look at the map again. 

Gandalf took me aside when I made to take the stairs and pointed me down the hallway. A huge LCD monitor took up one whole wall and I found the corresponding computer in a hidden panel in the desk. By the time I inserted the flash drive, the rest of company had joined me. 

The map blossomed onto the wall before me, lines and lines of code until I toggled the display and an actual map appeared. The Mountains glowed when I moved the cursor over them. It was a like a large YOU ARE HERE sign. 

"So there's a piece of the Arkenstone in the Mountains?" Kili asked dubiously. "Where? That's like twenty buildings." 

"No...I think it's here. In the Aerie." I said slowly, watching the pulsing light. I opened the user info for the Aerie's domain and scrolled through the pure code. 

Vaguely I felt Thorin's presence at my shoulder, but I didn't risk looking up from the scrolling lines of numbers. Come on, come on, there had to be something here...

"Aha!" I froze the screen at the same time Thorin said "Stop!" 

"What?" Balin hurried over. 

"Those lines right there. That's too many zeros." Thorin gestured. 

I squinted and tilted my head. There was something here..."It's a bird." 

"Thrush." Thorin grunted in agreement. "But what the hell does that mean?" 

"No idea. Did your father ever tell you anything else about thrushes?" 

I sensed his head shake. Well, damn. 

"I didn't know you liked Twitter ™ so much, Bea." Fili appeared at my elbow. "Interesting fan art." 

I blinked at him. "What?" 

Blond hair slid into his face as he shrugged and leaned forward. "That's the Twitter ™ logo isn't it?" He traced the outline of the bird. 

I squinted some more. The block of zeros coalesced into the bird I was so used to seeing blue. "Well stick a fork in me. I'm done." 

"What?" Thorin laughed. Rich and warm, the sound washed away the bitter dregs of fear. 

"It's a common saying!" 

"Only in your head. How does this being Twitter ™ help us?" 

"The thrush. Erebor Inc. has a Twitter account, right?" I opened a new tab in the browser. "Maybe it's hidden in there somewhere." 

Now joined at the computer by most of the members of the company, I let Thorin type in the login information for their account. Maybe if I had embraced this new fad like everyone else seemed to have, I would have a better idea what I was looking for. Call me crazy, but I don't think the world cares what trials occurred while pouring cereal. Either that, or I need a more exciting life. 

"Go back to the first few tweets." Fili suggested. 

Obediently, I hit SEE MORE and scrolled down. Three years ago, Thrain had tweeted on this account. It was the only one that didn't deal with interest rate deals. 

@DragonFire: Smaug, say 'knock, knock'  
@EreborInc: I can humor the cowards. Knock, knock. #Justdragonthings  
@DragonFire: Who's there? #ThelooksIgetforthisjoke #lmfao  
@EreborInc:......Obviously poverty has ruined what few brain cells you possess. #Sorrynotsorry  
@DragonFire: I'm no cactus expert, but I know a prick when I see one #thatsrightasshole  
@EreborInc: You're even less cunning than your father was #Iownyou  
@DragonFire: Good to know you're not running low on crazy

"Sounds like a real charmer." I muttered. 

"More like the snake and less like the charmer." Kili snorted. 

I clicked on the original tweet. The file size was inordinately large. What was I missing?

"Clever." Thorin grunted behind me. "The clue. 'When the thrust knocks'. Father always loved knock knock jokes." 

And Smaug wouldn't have thought twice about the taunt. "Are you sure your father doesn't work for the CIA or something? This is some high quality encryption." 

Thorin didn't answer. I swiveled in my chair after a few keystrokes to let the decryption run. "You're kidding." 

A half shrug. "Father disappeared after we lost Erebor and Grandfather died. No one knows where he is, or what he's doing, but I've always wondered. He went a bit crazy at the end. The CIA is the best option I can imagine." 

Hell. And I thought my family was screwed up. 

"Right. Well. Let's see what this file is." I double clicked. Fragmented code appeared on the screen. It looked like someone had taken an   
Etch-a-Sketch and done a half-assed job of clearing the picture. 

"That's part of the Arkenstone." Balin confirmed. "Look at the upper right hand corner. Thror always put the company's logo on the official files, a bit like an ancient king would have put his coat of arms." 

I downloaded the file onto the flash drive with the map. As we collected the rest of the pieces of the Arkenstone, I had a feeling they would fall into place over this one. "How many pieces is this Arkenstone nonsense in?" 

"Three." 

"Original." Well, at least we had the first one. Maybe I should have brought my magnifying glass and hat. Did that make Thorin my Watson? 

"Where to next?" Fili continued surfing the Twitter feed. "Wow, Grandpa has a strange fascination with hashtags." 

"Good question." I reopened the map. The figures had barely crystallized on the monitor when Thorin let out a sulfurous stream of curses. 

I jumped and looked around the room. Nothing out of the usual unless you counted Nori trying to pull a golden statue from the wall. 

"What?" Then I saw exactly 'what'. The next mark on the map was at Greenwood Consultants. 

Maybe Thorin would find it in himself to be polite to this bunch of consultants. 

Yeah, and I'm about to be awarded the Nobel Prize for curing stupidity.


	12. Ducklings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The mysterious breed of humans called hackers are explored as are Thorin's rather treacherous thoughts. Also, ducklings are awesome. Geese, however, are mean.

Thorin: 

I've invented a new sport: Hacker Watching. Much like bird watching, one must be the paragon observer: quiet, unobtrusive and nonjudgmental with a keen eye. So far I've identified three types of hackers. 

The Mischief Maker: Fond of using their skills to wreak havoc, these hackers often take nothing from the companies they infiltrate and leave coded jokes behind on federal servers. Identifiable by their laughter as they code and a tendency to wear scarves no matter the weather. 

The Robber: Much as its name suggests, this type of hacker is in it for the gold. Highly methodical and paranoid, they get the job done or run like hell when the authorities show up. A certain Smaug might fall into this category and I cannot wait until the day that he gets thrown through a window, preferably by me. 

Alright, so I don't have this nonjudgemental thing down yet. 

Finally, we have The Researcher: Fond of their jobs because of the ever changing digital landscape, these people do it for the love of the art. Endlessly patient, they are recognized by their surprisingly large repertoire of curses, a slightly maniacal look in their eyes, and hair that has a tendency to stick up in odd directions from being tugged at too many times. 

So which category did my pretty little hacker belong to, you ask? 

I mean, my completely average looking, or pretty but not that I notice hacker.

That is, the hacker that is not MINE but whom I am simply employing.

....Which category did Beatrice belong to? 

Damned if I knew. She probably wasn't the Robber, though I had no idea what this big, dark secret in her past was. A bit of the Researcher and a lot of the Mischief Maker, she also had characteristics I had yet to categorize. 

So I wasn't going to be joining the Audubon Society anytime soon. 

"Alright. I'm done." Beatrix logged off the internet cafe's computer and met us outside in the alleyway. 

When had my life been reduced to running, literally running, about the city and taking a tour of the alleyways? I mean, we have some beautiful architecture, especially over by Minas Tirith and such, but you see one alley, you've seen them all. 

"And?" 

"And, the Orcs are close, but don't know where we are yet, if I'm allowed to make an educated guess based on their IP pings. However-" 

"See?" Gandalf interrupted, pride in his voice. "What did I tell you. Quiet as a mouse."   
Bombur clapped Bea on the back, nearly driving her to her knees. She gave them a tight smile. "Thanks, but what I need to tell you is-" 

"They didn't see you did they?" I asked sharply. 

"No! But-" 

"Then we're all good!" Fili said as if stating the obvious. "Where to next, Uncle?" 

"SHUT UP!" Bea yelled. Everyone jumped and stared. "What I'm trying to tell you is that there is someone else out there! Someone else who is tracking us." 

Dear gods above. Did the Universe really hate me that much? 

"Who is it?" Gandalf leaned heavily on his walking stick. 

"No idea. The IP address came back as TheLastShifter." Bea shrugged. "He's closing in fast. As are the Orcs." 

"Ah." Gandalf's gaze grew remote. "We have but one choice. There is a place nearby that we can find possible sanctuary." 

"Possible?" One of these days I was going to learn to shut my mouth and stop asking how this day could slide any farther down the crapper. 

"Well, the man is not over fond of bankers." 

Wonderful. 

"What's not to like? We're great fun at parties." Kili rolled his eyes. 

Beatrice's phone pinged making me jump. She swiped a complex pattern on the screen and swore colorfully. "Your favorite Orc just took a selfie." She handed the phone to me. 

That smarmy faced bastard scowled up at me with a caption: City Park would look a lot better on fire. 

"Oh good. He's tapping into his pyromania tendencies. We should alert GreenPeace." I tossed the phone back. City Park was only three blocks from here. We needed to get moving. 

Gandalf must have been thinking along the same lines because he strode off, obviously expecting us to follow like good little ducklings. I nudged Bea and the others in the correct direction. 

Quack. 

We twisted through the city like a river through a canyon, growing closer and closer to the tourist side of town where all the museums and parks were.

Bea's curls bounced along next to me, her expression preoccupied. She was just the right size to tuck under my arm as we walked, maybe one hand around her wa-

MAYDAY! Brain off the tracks. 

Now there was a temptation and a distraction I did NOT need. No matter how beautiful and feisty it might be. 

Ahem. 

Hurriedly, I attempted to divert myself. "Penny for your thoughts?" 

Opalescent eyes snapped to mine and she gave me a rueful smile. "I doubt they're worth that much." 

"Good. I don't have change." 

Her smile finally reached her eyes as she snorted. "Gee, thanks. Anyway, I was wondering why the Orcs are chasing you now? Has it always been like this or did they somehow know you were setting out to reclaim Erebor?" 

A damned good question. One I had been pondering for days. I wished I had an answer for her. However, saying "I don't know" wouldn't exactly make me seem intelligent or a good leader. More like an aimless duckling. 

Not that I cared what she thought of me or my leadership skills. 

It was probably just the sleep deprivation talking. Yeah, let's go with that. 

So, instead of giving that rousing, confident answer, I changed topics subtly. "Orcs have been a plague ever since the Flaming Eye operating system hit the market. They think they have the right to a portion of everyone's profits just because they worked under the man who came up with the system." 

"I suppose so." Her fingers slipped into her pockets and her gaze once again grew distant. 

My thoughts returned to a pleasant place where there was no Sword of Damocles over my head, maybe a nice island somewhere. A drink in my hand. A certain woman in a bikini... 

A guttural roar blasted through the smoggy air, making me jump ten feet off of the ground. 

A behemoth of a man stood just beyond a row of parked cars, his gaze fixed on us. Somehow I doubted he wanted to exchange recipes for herbal cough remedies. 

"RUN!" Gandalf bellowed. 

Capital advice. 

We all darted forward, following the clattering of Gandalf's walking stick. I was just getting my second wind when I was passed by Bombur of all people. 

I hadn't seen him run that quickly since the first all you can eat buffet opened in town. 

"Parkour!" Bea cried as we jumped across a small stream that bubbled merrily before the entrance to the city's botanical gardens. 

I would never understand that woman. 

"Locked!" Kili cried as we careened into the glass doors and bounced off. 

Nice work there, Sherlock. 

This was the only building in sight. If we didn't get in, that rather upset looking man was going to turn us all into roadkill. 

Bea peered over Ori's shoulder at the rapidly approaching stranger. "Maybe our new friend could knock them down for us. That's probably his job." 

"Nah. He's on the Brute Squad. Not in his job description." Bofur countered. 

"He IS the Brute Squad. Move!" I shoved my way to the doors and smacked the hilt of my dagger onto the latch. It was a classic lock system that was easy enough to overcome with well applied force. No doubt once the gardens got up and running, the security would be much better, but for the moment I was just thanking my lucky stars that we were a little early for the premiere. And none of us were dressed for dinner. 

As soon as the doors opened we fell through them. "Close them, quickly!" I pulled Bea clear of the crush and added my weight to the closing party. 

A huge impact rocked us back on our heels. Our biggest fan was asking for entry. 

Biggest fan. Hah. I kill myself. 

"PUSH!" 

Somehow we slammed the door shut and secured the latch again. Here's to hoping he wasn't as good with locks as I was. 

"Who the hell was that?" Oin demanded. 

"Who peed in his Cheerios?" Beatrice rubbed at her side and winced. "Damn it. Do all bankers have such pointy elbows?" 

"That," Gandalf said, ignoring his granddaughter, "is our host. Settle down. We are safe here. Probably." 

Probably. Lovely. 

I took first watch and entertained myself with images of roasting that mischievous old fogie on a spit. Gandalf a la flambé. I could build a huge fire pit in my front yard. Roast him like the Greeks did lamb and I wouldn't have any more harebrained schemes to test my blood pressure. 

Opa!


	13. Garden Haven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A small interlude as the Company rests and Beorn returns.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is what happens when I write while listening to John Mayer radio. I apologize for nothing. Emotions are often just as important as action. Still, if things on the mushy side are not to your taste, feel free to skip. There isn't much plot here.

Beatrice:   
The botanical gardens smelled heavenly in the moonlight. I wandered through the shadowed paths, my fingers trailing across the dewy petals. The peace was something out of a dream. Or a memory. 

Growing up in Bag End, a small country estate just outside the city, our gardens had been unparalleled. Dad had taken such pride in his tomatoes and Mom had planted the sweetest smelling flowers. Every spring and summer evening the air had been heavy with the perfume, almost drugging in its sweetness. We would sit out on the back porch, watching the fireflies dart away from my cousin Drogo who had a strange notion that they were flying pixie sticks. 

Gods. Some days I missed my parents so much it was a physical pain. Usually I could go about my business as normal, but then the sharp knife of grief would stab straight into my gut, destroying any sense of comfort I had managed to create. 

At least I still had Gandalf. The rest of my extended family was great, if you didn't count the Sacksville-Bagginses. The only reason Lobelia still talked to me was because she wanted Bag End. The property was still technically mine though I couldn't face the empty halls. So I rented it out and told myself I would one day have the courage to go back. 

I sank down beneath a cherry tree and brought my knees up to my chest. As much as I loved my apartment in the city, I did miss the fresh air of Hobbiton. The green hills and small streams. Yet, this...adventure with the bankers had reminded me that there was more to the world than regret. More to the world than the comfy armchair, not matter how much I loved curling up with a good book. 

Now I had something to compare with the books. An adventure of my own. 

The world, it seemed, was not in my books and maps. It was out here in the dirty alleyways and hidden gardens. In the ramble of Fili and Kili's mischief. It was in Dori's fussing and Gandalf's meddling. Most importantly, it was in Thorin's crooked, secret smile, and my own, hidden courage. 

I'd like to think Mom and Dad would have been proud of me. As Mom would have said, I was letting my Took side show. Though with more reserve and grace than my cousin Pippin normally managed. 

The air grew soft with the press of a thousand dreams and I relaxed into the embrace of the tree. I hadn't had a moment to myself since setting out on this insane quest. The quiet was a surprising benediction I did my best to savor. 

Movement made me raise heavy eyelids. Our pursuer from earlier had just jumped over the gate. He shook his arms as if getting rid of an uncomfortable feeling. I had just realized I should probably be worried when he spied me and gave me a careful nod. 

"Welcome, little one." He said in a voice so deep it didn't so much rumble as it did reverberate. 

"Thank you. I'm Beatrice. I'm sorry we've intruded, but as you might have seen, we've run into a spot of trouble and-" 

He gave me a rough smile. "Enough. We can discuss it all in the morning. You are safe enough here for the night. Rest well, little one." 

"Thank you. You as well." What a nice man. I rather felt bad for being so scared earlier. 

The peace of the night was soon reclaimed and I drifted along the shores of sleep. A lilting melody flickered beneath my feet as I dozed, rich and full of emotion. 

...The wind went from West to East;  
all movement in the forest cease,   
but shrill and harsh across the marsh   
its whistling voices were released.   
...It passed the lonely Mountain bare  
and swept above the dragon's lair:   
there black and dark lay boulders stark  
and flying smoke was in the air.   
It left the world and took its flight  
over the wide seas of the night.   
The moon set sail upon the gale,   
and stars were fanned to leaping light...

The song left me feeling at once melancholy and hopeful. As if what I longed for most was hovering just on the horizon if I had only the courage to reach for it. 

Tears ghosted down my cheeks as I opened my eyes and tried to smile. "Thorin." 

As the last note faded from his lips, he glanced over at me from his post by the fountain. He didn't speak as he strode quietly over and crouched next to me, taking the hand I had unconsciously extended. 

"Don't cry, Bea." Calloused thumbs rubbed carefully over my face, wiping the tracks away. "I can't stand your tears." 

"Not all tears are an evil." I quoted softly. It had been what Mom had always told me when I was little, and it was one of Gandalf had repeated in our darkest moments. 

"Hmm. If not evil, then painful, you're tearing my heart out." He made no move to remove the hand that cupped my chin once my cheeks were dry. 

I smiled, still caught in that gentle world between imagination and sleep. "I would keep it safe. Keep it close."

"Bea." My name was torn from him, breaking on his lips. 

We said nothing for long moments. Nothing was real to me except the rough bark at my back and the rugged, burdened man before me. I placed my palm on his chest, just over his heart. I would have given anything in that moment to ease the worries he carried everywhere. Would have done anything to lighten his burden even slightly. 

"Stay with me." I breathed. 

In answer, he sat against the tree and pulled me close to his side so that my head rested on his chest. I curled close, ready to drop back off, when my phone let out a startling beep. 

No sooner had I pulled it from my pocket and registered that it was an alert about the Orcs, that Thorin ripped it from my grasp and tossed it into the rose bushes across the path. 

I rose onto my elbows to gape at him. "What the-" 

His eyes crinkled at the corners as he laughed, starlight reflecting in that puzzling gaze. The sound was so carefree and mischievous, my ire drained away with the blink of an eye. For a shining moment, I had a glimpse of the man he might have been, the man he still was when he let go of his pain. 

"Yell at me in the morning." 

I elbowed him in the ribs and resettled. "It will be an ass-chewing of epic proportions." 

He laughed again and the world returned to its haven of peace. "Of that I have no doubt. Sleep, Bea." 

"You too." I tightened my grip around his middle, hardly aware of what I was saying through my sleepiness. "I'll take care of you." 

A kiss so light that I barely felt it skimmed across my brow. His words kicked up on a smile. "Aye, Bea. You already do."


	14. Into the Rabbit Hole

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beorn gives them some advice, some light is shed on Bea's murky past, and Thorin is easily discomfited.

Beatrice:

"I dislike bankers." The pinched growl of Beorn's voice over breakfast didn't bode well for the rest of the day. It seemed their host was in a rather touchy mood this morning. 

Join the freaking club. 

When Thorin had let me reclaim my phone, after delivering a lecture that I shouldn't be so dependent upon social media, I had been forced to crawl under the rose bushes, only to find the screen dented and the plastic wet from morning dew. And I had gained a nice set of scratches to complete the ragged look of my outfit. It was a miracle it still worked. A miracle Thorin should be grateful for as it kept me from skinning him alive. 

He had a nice head of hair. I could probably make it into a stylish belt. 

Alright. So I wasn't a morning person, no matter how pleasant my night had been. Though, that's not to say it couldn't have been significantly more pleasant. If Thorin and I had had a bed, or even just a little more privacy. Hmm. Now there was an image that could brighten any morning. 

I wondered if he would be as reserved in bed as he was in the board room. Maybe he had a hidden ferocity. Or kinks. I could get into something kinky for a chest that broad and muscled. 

"What are you smiling about?" Dwalin grumbled next to me. 

I winked at Thorin and shrugged. "Just imagining the myriad of ways this morning could have been so much more satisfying." 

To my complete and lasting amusement, a dull red flush crept up Thorin's cheeks, under his dark scruff. He wrenched his gaze from me and said in an almost normal tone, "I quite agree. I would have liked a soft bed as well." 

Dear gods, he made this too easy. The words had barely fallen from his mouth when he caught the implied meaning in my smile and hastily cleared his throat. 

"Soft beds are nice." I agreed innocently. "However, I've recently discovered a...kink...shall we say, for...sleeping...beneath the stars." 

Bofur clapped me on the back. "We'll make an adventurer of you yet, Miss Baggins." 

I hardly noticed. Throin had met my gaze again and the corners of his mouth had twitched in a wry, half smile, more open and amused than I had ever seen him. My own grin widened and I tried to turn my attention to Gandalf's conversation with our host. Thorin had done it now. I was going to keep teasing him until that smile and that blush made a reappearance. 

"Where are you going?" Beorn asked Thorin. The smile disappeared so quickly I almost wondered if I had imagined it. 

"Greenwood." 

Beorn ran a hand over his brow as he considered us. "The Orcs are between you and the consultants. You will be killed before you get within two hundred feet of the building." 

Full of rainbows and sunshine that one. 

"We have no option. We must get there. And quickly." 

My heart ached at how exhausted he sounded. The sooner we accomplished this crazy quest, the better. Then everyone could move on with their lives. 

Though where exactly that left me, I wasn't sure. 

"Draw the Orcs out." Beorn said. "Make them think you are somewhere you are not." 

"You mean, mask our IP addresses and GPS coordinates?" I frowned. That was some high level stuff. I could do it, but not with the equipment I had on me. 

He tilted his head. "Not quite. There is another option, just behind the gardens." 

Umm...I tried to picture the map of the city in my mind. There were probably two miles between us and the consultants of Greenwood. We were getting dangerously close to Orc held territory this far north. The only thing that might fulfill Beorn's idea was...

"The Archives." My eyes widened. Oh boy was that a bad idea. 

He nodded gravely. "Lose yourselves in there like a deer might lose a predator in the forest." 

Frankly I'd rather be the deer. 

"The consultants of Greenwood are not like their competition in Rivendell and elsewhere. They are less wise and much more dangerous for it. Their lack of morality has given some cause to change their name to Mirkwood. Some say they are fighting with the Orcs for their continued existence. Others say they face a far darker threat." Beorn continued. 

I'd worry about that once we came out of the Archives alive. 

I had been kidding myself that we wouldn't come this way. And now, when we had no other choice, I had no defenses prepared. Lovely. Great. I was fucked. 

"Bea?" A warm hand settled on mine. I flinched, startled, and blinked my gaze back into focus. Thorin, hell everyone, was staring at me. 

"Fine. Sorry. Just thinking. You were saying?" 

"I asked if you would be able to mask our digital footprints once we were in the Archives."  
That wasn't the problem. It was what else resided in the Archives and how we were going to achieve our safety that bothered me. The actual programming would be a piece of cake. "Yep." 

Gandalf patted me on the back. "Do not worry, Beatrice. The Archives will not defeat you again." 

One could only hope. If not, well, what's a little poison and suffocation to brighten one's day? 

After breakfast, Beorn walked us to the edge of the gardens. "Just cross that stretch of park and then the Archives are in the old capitol building." 

"Thank you." 

"Any time, little one. Come see the gardens when we officially open." 

"I'd enjoy that." I smiled and clambered over the gate. 

We made it to the Archives without mishap. The front of the old capitol building, once striking marble, was now covered in strange graffiti. If I tilted my head and squinted, the red drawing looked a bit like a sheep, but if I stood back a few paces, it looked more like an eyeball with a bad case of pink eye. 

Art these days, am I right? 

"So what is in here?" Bofur asked, stepping up next to me as I squinted. 

I sighed. "Well, it started out as what you'd expect. The digital records for the city, all housed in one place with backup generators for emergencies. Then they moved the government seat to Broad Avenue and this building was leased out. Someone in the Defense Department thought it would be a good place to put a top of the line supercomputer. This place has the square footage for it.

"Now, contractors have it and they're working on virtual reality simulations. They're called Spiders because of their tendency to build programming webs that make you lose yourself in the simulation. No one is entirely sure if the Defense Department is aware of what their building is used for, or if this is some secret government project that went awry. I've heard rumors that the people of Greenwood  
Consulting are slowly making their way into the building. They control half of the simulation." 

"And you're not a big fan of the Spiders?" Thorin asked. 

"Not overly, no." Bunch of arrogant, irresponsible blowhards who had no concern for the value of human life. 

"Will they recognize you?" 

"Are you actually planning on speaking to them? Because I would highly recommend the opposite. If we're lucky, we'll be able to access what I need and skedaddle before they know we're here." Please say no, you don't want to meet them. Please say no. 

"No, we can avoid them." He said, watching me carefully. 

I gave him a grateful smile. "Great. This way." 

Gandalf came charging out of the door, nearly knocking me over. "I have to go." 

"You're leaving us?" Nori gaped at him. 

"I wouldn't if I had any other choice. Be careful. I shall meet you at the gates of Erebor. Do not enter the building without me." He said. 

Thorin gave a sharp nod, his expression inscrutable. 

"In the Archives, stay on the path. If you fall off of it, you will never find it again or be able to exit the simulation. Be careful, Beatrice."  
I didn't plan on being anything else. He kissed my forehead. "You are more than their equal, granddaughter. Beat the Spiders at their own game." 

Yes, because I had done that so well last time when it mattered. Look where it got me: holed up in my apartment with the ghosts of my parents hanging over me. 

But, no worries. This would be perfectly fine. 

Maybe Gandalf was right. It was time to put the past behind me and move forward. Wasn't that what this quest was about?  
Well, at least I wasn't alone this time. I had thirteen bankers at my side. 

We approached the door, the dark room beyond gaping open like a monster's maw. Once more into the rabbit hole. 

Move over Alice. 

Would that make Thorin my white rabbit? He certainly was delightfully furry enough. I wouldn't mind chasing after him...

"What's that smile for?" Said banker inquired softly as we walked into the building. 

I almost choked on my tongue. Play it cool, Bea. Act normal. "Nothing. Not a thing. Wow, nice weather we're having today, huh? I'm starving. Look at that fine piece of art." 

He frowned in a worried sort of way, but didn't comment. 

Nailed it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to put in a bit of exposition for the adaption of the Spiders to this AU. I hope it's not too dull.  
> Wandering about, starving, Spiders and the One Code in action in the next installment, I hope!


	15. The Classics

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Company enters the forest and encounters the Spiders. Beatrice laments the school system's neglect of the classics.

Beatrice:

"Alright. Everyone, stay calm no matter what happens in the simulation. Remember that's all it is. We're all going to log on and mill about for a bit to confuse the Orcs. I have it programmed to show us wandering around the woods to the east of the city. No matter what, stay on the path. Even if we get separated, stay on the path. There will be places on the path where you can exit the simulation. They'll appear to be clearings in the forest. Just-"

"Stay on the path. Yeah, we got it." Bombur grumbled as I fitted on his headset.

I wasn't sure that they did. None of them had ever entered a VR this realistic before."You won't be able to exit the VR if you lose your way. People have wasted away from starvation, too intent on the fake reality to remember life."

"We'll be fine, Bea." Fili reassured me.

"Okay, here goes nothing." I slipped on my own pair of goggles, toggled the switch and closed my eyes on a prayer.

When I opened them again, the dark recesses of the Archives, with its humming computer towers and flickering lights, vanished. In its place was a charming forest complete with birdsong and the fresh scent of pine.

I had to give it to the Spiders. They made one hell of a virtual reality.

Shimmering beneath our feet was the path. Cobbled together from stone and bark, it gave the forest an ancient feel, as if thousands of feet had already walked these steps.

"Wow." Fili's eyes were about as big as dinner plates when he popped into the simulation next to me. It wasn't an exact duplicate of him, but I had done my best to choose avatars that closely resembled their users so I could have an easier time keeping track of them all.

"How is this not real?" Bofur wandered over to touch a leaf.

"I hope you all remember this the next time you tell me hacking is easy. Alright, let's go." I took a step and froze.  
The straight path pulsed and split into eight identical copies radiating out from my feet like rays around the sun.

Well. We're screwed.

"What the hell was that?" Dwalin demanded.

Damned good question. And people wondered why I hated the Spiders. "A warning. Anyone good with that ball underneath one of three cups trick?"

"No." Came a masculine chorus.

Yep. Well and truly screwed.

With no better option, I picked the path directly in front of me and began to walk. The main objective was simply to confuse the Orcs. However, this was the Archives. We might be able to draw the attention of Greenwood and spare ourselves the trip to find the piece of the Arkenstone. All I needed was access to a portal within the VR. It would spare Thorin a heart attack and me a lot of patience.

This place was full of memory, computer memory, and anger. Or maybe that was just me projecting. The horrible verisimilitude was beginning to jangle my nerves.

I wasn't sure how long we spent along the road before someone spoke, probably several hours. Time had a bit of a fluid quality in this place.

"I'm starving." Bombur complained.

Now that he mentioned it, I realized I was too. My stomach let out a growl. Must be about tea time.

"Just a little bit longer. We'll leave with the first clearing we find." I didn't want to alarm the others, but the fact that we hadn't passed one yet was making me panic. Ice cold fear slithered through my veins until I wanted to run headlong down the path, just so I could feel as if I was doing something.

"I hear a stream. I bet we could go fishing."

"It's not real, remember." The argument worked until we came to the self same stream.

"Fish!" Bombur cried happily.

"Don't!" I called. We suddenly had much bigger problems than our lack of food, virtual or otherwise. The bridge was gone. Washed away down the stream. It was too wide to jump and there wasn't a boat in sight.

"I was hoping we'd have a chance to go swimming. Good thing I packed my swimming trunks." Thorin muttered behind me.

"Watch out!"

We all dove to the side as a huge, snow white moose-deer-elk creature bounded through our ranks and disappeared into the forest next to the path.

Grumbling, I picked myself off the ground, glaring after it. Then, I blinked rapidly. It was on the other side of the river. It sketched me a bow and disappeared behind the trees.

"What was that?"

"Jinkeys! A clue, Scooby-Doo!" I chewed on my lip. We would have to go off the path to follow the creature, but on the same token, I didn't think it was some ploy by the Spiders.

It wasn't as if we were spoiled for choice. Trading a grim look with Thorin, I led the way off of the path after the moose. We found tracks leading to a bend in the river. In the middle was a rock protruding from the water, within jumping distance of both banks.

Well, lookie there. Bullwinkle knew what he was talking about.

"I was going to shoot the moose to eat, but I feel that I can't anymore without thumbing my nose at Fate." Thorin commented.

"If you want your violent tendencies validated, I recognize the coding on the animal. It's from Greenwood's computers." I backed up for a running start.

Landing on the rock, I lost a few layers of skin on my knees and hands. Thankfully, I felt no actual pain though my real hands and knees ached with sympathy.

I barely made it onto the opposite bank. My instincts warned that I didn't want to fall into the river if I ever wanted to leave this place. Scrambling, I clawed my way up the grassy slope.

One by one the men joined me. It must have looked downright hilarious to anyone watching, like some odd ballet routine.

And plié, leap, squash the leader, and pirouette.

I pulled myself out from under Gloin and stood well back as Bombur, the last one to cross, made his final descent.

"Jump!" Kili called after Bombur hesitated too long.

I glanced around the forest, not paying much attention. Something was wrong. The birds had stopped singing. Wasn't that a sure sign of Big Bad Trouble approaching in the movies?

Then again, they might just be scared off by the rumbling of my stomach. Gods, I was starving.

Focus, Bea!

"We're being watched." Thorin murmured in my ear, making me jump.

I frowned. Was that it? That would take some sophisticated programming. Unless he meant being watched outside of the VR. At any rate, it was high time to leave. "We need to get back on the path."

"And how would you suggest we do that?" He gestured at the ground beneath my feet. Not a cobblestone in sight.

I bet Dorothy never had it this hard. It was one road and it was yellow. Rather hard to get lost when the path fluoresces beneath your feet. And she was only traveling with three males including the dog. I had thirteen and all of them had abandonment issues.

"Err..." Eloquent, that's me.

SPLASH!

We all whirled to find Bombur up to his neck in the river, thrashing about in the current. As he flung water in every direction, the droplets turned to lines of code. I couldn't see a whole piece, but there was enough to make me worry. "Get him out, now!"

Fili and Kili took one arm while Dwalin and Bofur grabbed the other. Virtual muscles bulged as they heaved. The enormous man slowly slid to the bank, his avatar sound asleep. I hurried to help them lay him on his back.

This was not good. Not good at all.

"Damn it all. Sleep code."

"What?"

"The river. It's a trap to make the avatar go to sleep when the code is touched. We're going to have to carry him."

Dawlin stared at me as if I had suddenly grown a second head. "You're kidding."

I returned the grim look. "Afraid not. If we leave him, he'll never wake up or exit the VR. Slower death than by a gunshot, but death all the same."

"Pick him up. We'll take turns." Thorin ordered.

"Just remember, none of this is real. You aren't actually carrying him." I tried to cheer up the four men who swarmed Bombur.  
Judging by their curses, it didn't help much.

We walked aimlessly through the forest, the hunger of our actual bodies making each step a Herculean task. I found myself daydreaming of my full pantry at home. I had the makings of scones. A nice pot of tea. Then a perfectly grilled fish with a side of sautéed zucchini and mushrooms. Yummm. Mushrooms.

"Alright. This is ridiculous. Everyone stop." A loud THUMP announced Bombur's return to the forest floor. "I'll be right back. Don't move."

We had to know where the path was. I found a tree with branches near to the ground and began to climb. Bark rasped against my palms and beguiling scent of pine curled through my nose. I was gong to return to the Archives after this insanity was over to see just how the Spiders had programmed this VR. It was absolutely stunning. The possibilities that it could be used for were limitless: rehab for trauma victims, training for firefighters, etc.

My head broke the canopy. Glorious sunlight had me blinking for several moments before I could make out any details. There was a lake about a mile ahead that was big enough to be classified as an ocean and to the east was..."a path! Guys, I see it!"

Fixing the location in my mind, I slowly became aware of low pitched chimes resonating through the forest. More people had just logged on. Huge avatars if the rustling of the trees was anything to go by.

Climbing down at quickly as I could, I caught a flash of movement out of the corner of my eye halfway to the ground. Enormous, like something out of a nightmare, a monstrous Spider scuffled towards me. A scream ripped from my throat and I lost my footing.

**

"BEA!" Thorin called from far away. I could barely hear him over the roaring panic in my head.

It's not real. It's not real. I chanted as I fell. Not that it helped over much.

Oh gods, I was going to die. SPLAT on the ground and that would be the end of Beatrice.

Hard branches slammed into my back, knocking me sideways. I bounced down. Trying to grasp something, anything, to stop my fall, I found myself face to face with another Spider.

Oh dear gods.

Before I could so much as blink, sticky webs shot out and wrapped around my avatar. No matter how I struggled, I couldn't get out. Hell, I could barely breathe. The Spiders nudged me sideways until I once again returned to terra firma.

My real self, sitting quietly in the chair, began to hyperventilate. This was ridiculous. A freaking VR and I was convinced I was half dead.

Enough. I would not let them best me again.

I waited, peering through the gauzy web about my face until I sensed the Spiders meandering away, convinced of my confinement. Alright. What did I know about spider webs?

They were made out of protein. It exhausted the spider to make it. In olden days, they used to be packed into wounds to stop the bleeding. Interesting, if not exactly helpful at the moment.

Wait! The Spiders had dragged us to a clearing. All I had to do was get free and I could exit the simulation.

Great plan, Bea. How exactly do you propose to get out of this sticky situation?

Ba. Dum. Cha.

Somedays even I want to kill the voice in my head.

Wiggling, I drew the knife from my belt that mimicked the one Gandalf had given me ages ago. As quietly and as quickly as I could, I attacked the webbing about my arms. When I was free, I peeled it off of my face.

Oh crap.

A Spider saw me free and charged. I rolled out of the way and stabbed upward on instinct. My blade met fleshy resistance before it slid in all the way. Dark ichor splattered onto my face. 

"Stings! It stings!" It hissed.

Talking, enormous spiders. Had we been transported to the Forbidden Forest?

I reclaimed my blade as the Spider toppled and touched the glowing, green ground. With one last look at the still forms of the men, I fell out of the simulation and back to the real world.

Ripping off my goggles, I took gulping breaths. I was alive. Holy hell, I never wanted to see another tree again in my life. First elevators, then lampposts, now trees. It would be a miracle if I ever left my house after this thing was over.

I shook pins and needles from my legs and raced down the aisles of computers. Sick to my stomach at leaving the men, I had to remind myself that I had no other choice.

Aha! I found a tower with a USB port and the sign of the Spiders on the side. Praying that I remembered the power of the code correctly, I plugged in the USB drive I had filched from Goblin Town and began to type.

As the Spiders caught each man, the avatars were wrapped in line after line of sticky code. Literally, that's what it was called: stick code- Java's new big brainwave about how to mesh different conventions together without all the hassle. Only thing was, the Spiders had co-opted it for their own sinister purposes.

The Spider's conversation flashed across my monitor.

_< Intruders. We must find and kill them.>_

_< Not until we know what they're here for. I saw a Baggins>_

Damn straight you did.

_< Kill. Kill. Kill.>_

Deep thinkers, these Spiders.

I put back on the googles and turned on one side. Splitting my vision between the VR and the code was nauseating, but I needed to know what was happening.

Using the code from the flash drive, my own panacea if you will, I started ripping chunks off the webbing and replacing it with the panacea. One by one the men tore free and went after the Spiders.

_< Kill! Kill! Where is the Baggins??\>_

A fierce grin tugged at my mouth. < _You have fallen victim to one of the classic blunders of our time. The most famous is "never start a land war in Asia." Only slightly less well known is "never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line." And even less well known is "never count a Baggins out when programming is involved." >_

A long pause.

What is it with bag guys and not understanding the classics?

_< Right. Pick up a book sometime. Until then, remember this as the day you almost caught Hacker Beatrice Baggins. Revenge is a bitch, my friends. Take 'em boys.>_

"As you wish." Thorin said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was a bit tricky since I know very little about programming. Anyway, let me know what you think.  
> Thorin and Thranduil meet in the next one! Oh the snark!


	16. Starving, You Say?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Legolas arrives in all his fabulous badass-ness. Thorin and Thranduil meet. Bea once again saves the day with her usual lack of panache and preparedness.

Thorin:

Exiting the simulation, I felt a hot flash of satisfaction. Damn Spiders would need a while to recover from this.  
I stood, noting the growing rumble of my stomach and the pain as blood rushed back into my extremities. How did people do this for days on end? Well, I suppose Bea had said people died from becoming too involved in this.

That was understandable, to some extent, I supposed. There had been days when I would have given anything to escape the pain of reality.

Speaking of Bea, I didn't see her curly head anywhere. I opened my mouth to ask the others if they had seen her when the cacophony of shoes squeaking on tile, lots of footsteps quickly approaching, broke the stillness.

We formed a circle and drew our weapons. Still no sign of Bea. Damnation, I refused to panic about that.

Two groups of people. One approaching from the left, the other from the right. The group to the right sounded larger and farther away.

Four men burst into the room, VR goggles hanging from their necks. They were pale enough to be vampires from those ridiculous books Dis always reads, and they didn't look happy to see us. The Spiders, I guessed.

If we brought them out into the sunlight would they combust or sparkle?

"Is this where you say 'come into my parlor'?" Bofur asked genially when they hesitated.

"Oy! I am not a fly." Kili protested.

His brother snorted. "Apparently metaphors do make a sound when they whistle over people's heads."

"Yeah, they go SPLAT just like your head will when I ram my fist into it." Came the reply.

The epitome of wit, my nephews.

The Spiders ignored the byplay and attacked. Fanning out around us, they realized we didn't dare use our pistols for fear of ricochets in the tight quarters, and so sought to draw us out one by one. For computer geeks, they sure seemed to know what they were doing.

I drew my sword and slammed the hilt into one man's jaw. He went down like a lead balloon, but a comrade jumped over his prone form with a shriek loud enough to raise the dead.

Block, block, strike. I let him back me up, barely turning away his strikes in time. That's right focus on me.

Dwalin stalked forward, following the Spider.

"Do you remember the nursery rhyme, Little Miss Muffet?" I asked.

The Spider snarled at me. Well, if they hadn't gotten the Princess Bride references Bea made, I suppose I shouldn't hold out hope. "Well, I always thought Miss Muffet got the raw end of that deal, and I hate to see a woman terrorized, so please regard this as payback."

"What?" Was the last thing the Spider said. Dwalin's sword protruded through his ribcage and he fell.

Dwalin reclaimed the blade with a twist of his wrist. "You've been spending too much time with our hacker if you've started talking your foes to death."

There are critics everywhere.

I glanced around, sword in guard, but the remaining Spiders had been dispatched by my men. "Nice work." I told them.  
And speaking of our hacker..."Bea!"

No response.

I was going to put a tracking collar on that woman to save myself the ulcer. What if the Spiders had found her?

"Incoming." Balin warned.

At least fifteen people invaded the room, all pointing arrows and pistols in our direction. They all wore varying hues of green and had shady looks about them.

Greenwood Consultants. Late for the work, here for the victory. Bastards.

"Weapons on the ground." A man, well I'm guessing that he was male given his luscious flowing locks of hair and rather bitchy expression, ordered. He looked as if he had just stepped off a romance novel cover.

Hello, Fabio.

He dove to the floor, came up in a tight roll, and rammed an arrow upward into the stomach of a Spider. He wrenched the point free and fit it into his bow. With a fluid motion he fired. The last Spider who I hadn't seen dropped to the floor, an arrow protruding from his eye. 

Reluctantly, I lowered my sword to the ground. They had stepped forward to search us when Fili let out a cry.

"KILI!"

Spinning, I found a scene from a nightmare before me. Kili, on the ground with no weapons in sight, was scrambling backwards from an oncoming Spider. The Spider's vicious blade struck down towards his exposed stomach.  
I reached for my sword, but before I could crouch, a woman exploded out of the aisles of humming computers, and caught the Spider about the neck. The struggling silhouette slammed into the ground. With a brutal kick, the woman sent the Spider's head at ninety degrees to his body.

Right. Don't piss off that particular consultant.

Also, never introduce her to Bea. Together they would make a terrifying combo.

Kili apparently agreed with me, judging by his open mouth and awestruck expression.

"Well, if I'm not mistaken, it's Thorin Oakenshield. What brings you to the north side of the city?" Fabio asked.

The woman gave Kili a superior smirk and rejoined her fellows. He rolled to his feet, but the woman's arrogance just seemed to roll right off. In fact, if I didn't know better, I would say he looked infatuated.

Surely even he couldn't be that dumb.

Right. And I'm a talking tree.

"Who's Bea?" The woman asked. "Is there someone else of your dance crew we're missing?"

"No." Balin said quickly. "Bea is just...our code word for all clear. Like Beautiful. Bea. The weather is beautiful."

Unfortunately Bofur answered at the same time. "It's Thorin's alternate personality. Bea, the drag queen."

I was going to kill him. Slowly.

"The drag queen?" Fabio asked with glee.

"Oh, yes. Star of all the shows, our Bea. You should see him in heels and a dress."

Very slowly with hot blades and much screaming.

They searched us thoroughly, finding all of Fili's hidden daggers, much to his annoyance. Then Fabio stepped up to Gloin.

"What's this?"

He was holding Gloin's locket with portraits of his family. "Is this your brother?"

Balin and I winced. While a lovely person, his wife wasn't exactly a raving beauty. Or very feminine at all really. I had seen her rip a deer's heart straight out of its chest once when we were on a hunting vacation. It still haunted my nightmares.

"That's my wife!"

"And this? Some sort of mutant Goblin child?"

Gloin narrowed his eyes dangerously. "That's my wee lad, Gimli! Are you blind as well as stupid?"

Diplomacy is a skill I teach all of my men.

Fabio didn't answer; he rounded us all up and set us marching out of the Archives. We wound through long lines of technology before we entered a new building.

Long elegant lines, cream stone, and paintings of trees everywhere gave the place an austere, if classy feel. I remembered reading about this when it was first converted into an office space. Originally a riverfront mansion, the building was a labyrinth, complete with cast iron stoves and wine cellars. Pretentious, very pretentious.

Gods, but I hated consultants. Especially these consultants.

I was separated from the rest of my men and led into a spacious office with huge bay windows looking out onto the river.

Against the windows sat a wide oaken desk with a chair that was more like a throne than anything else.

Reclining in said throne as if he were king of the world was Thranduil, head of Greenwood. Smug, arrogant, greedy and an all around asshat.

An asshat with no fashion sense it would seem. A long tunic like shirt in an odd, shimmering gray cloaked a slim frame. Long hair, prematurely white reached nearly to his knees and wide gray eyes watched me approach beneath spectacular eyebrows.

Fabio nodded at him. "Father. We found them wandering about the Archives. They had the goggles on them and the programming footprints to those who chased Oropher."

He actually named that moose? And wasn't that his father's name? I bet dear old dad was so proud.

"Excellent. Leave us a moment, Legolas."

Legolas sent me one more scathing look and departed. Huh. The name Fabio suited him better.

"Thorin Oakenshield. Who could have foreseen this?" Thranduil stood and began to walk around the room with languid movements. "Tell me, what were you doing in the Greenwood's virtual reality?"

So it was his VR now. Interesting. "Starving."

"And why did you chase my elk?"

"Because were were starving and he looked tasty." I would rather go straight to hell than give him any information.

Thunderstorms rolled across his gaze. "How did you come to the attention of the Spiders?"

"From the growling noises of our stomachs, apparently."

He changed tacts. "It would seem that you are on a quest. To reclaim your home and company. I understand your predicament. Everything you lost, everything that was stolen from you. It is a sad tale on the pages of our history books."

A sad tale? SAD? I lost most of my family to the fucking thief Smaug. And he calls it a fucking SAD TALE? My hands curled into fists. Keep digging you smug, loathsome son of a -

"I suspect a more prosaic motive, however. Attempted robbery. You seek that which will bestow upon you the right to rule. The Arkenstone. There is treasure in Erebor that I too desire. White chips, semi conductors as pure as starlight. So, I offer you my help." He bowed his head as if offering me something of magnificent proportions.

"I'm listening." Only because I didn't have much of a choice.

"I will let you go. Give you what you need to continue undetected to Erebor. Then, you return to me the white chips."  
Interesting. I remembered that Grandfather had once offered the nanoscale computer chips to Thranduil before backing out of the deal. I had never understood why he had done so, only that he must have had good reason for pissing off our neighbors.

"A favor for a favor."

Thranduil nodded. "I give you my word. One CEO to another."

Hah. As if I were so naive. "I would not trust the word of a consultant if my life depended upon it." Well, it rather did, but that was hardly the point. "I have seen how you treat your friends! We came to you, penniless, starving, desolate, and you turned your back on us! Did you think I would so easily forgive your arrogance? You ignored the suffering of my people!"

I took a step towards him and guards burst into the room. Paranoid bastard. Was he so incapable of protecting his own company that he had to hire others to do so?

"YOU LACK ALL HONOR! You _Sassenach_!" I bellowed as the guards grabbed my arms to keep me from strangling him. The language of my forefathers from the Old Country rolled off my tongue and I was rewarded with seeing him flinch.

"Take him away. Wait all you want, Thorin. I can be patient. Even if I have to wait ten years."

The guards pulled me from the room and down several flights of stairs to what must have been the original wine cellar. Now it was outfitted with cells carved into the rough stone.

They threw me into one and locked the door. Blood boiling, I rammed the door, but it didn't budge. My toe could testify to its solid construction.

"Did he offer you a deal?" Balin asked from the next cell over.

"Yes he did. And I told him _thalla a dh'infrinn_!" I said smugly.

"Well." He said in an oddly strained voice as if through clenched teeth. "That was our only hope."

"No. Not our only hope." I rested my head on the cool metal of the door. "Apparently I have my drag queen persona to rely upon."

Come on, Bea.

"Will you save us in heels, Uncle?" Kili sniggered.

Hurry, Bea, before I rip out of here and commit nepotcide.

**

The time passed slower than glaciers moved. With nothing to do but stare at the sloped wall of my cell, I dozed off for a while. My dreams were a strange amalgamation filled with Dis scolding me for not protecting her sons, glorious images of a table laden with more food than I could ever eat in a lifetime, and a big comfy bed with Bea curled up next to me wearing nothing but that wild smile of hers.

I jerked awake. What the hell?

Obviously being food deprived was messing with my head. I refused to fantasize about her. Hear that brain, I refuse. There were much more looming problems that required my full attention besides how to get her out of those delightfully tight skinny jeans and green peasant shirt.

No. Stop.

I bet a pair of scissors would work.

ARGH!

"We're never going to make it to Erebor, are we?" Ori asked despondently.

For once grateful for someone else's pessimism, I opened my mouth to reply when a familiar face appeared between the bars of my cell door. Gobsmacked, I could only stare as Bea jingled a set of keys at me.

"Not stuck in here you're not." That brilliant grin flashed.

"How did you...? What?"

"You would think two days in prison would make you more eloquent." She teased. Dividing up the keys, she pressed half into my hands. I tried not to notice how soft her skin was. Where were a pair of scissors when a guy needed them? "Here. You take that lot."

Bea didn't wait to hear my agreement. Darting away, she soon had Balin, Dwalin and Fili sprung. I shook myself and did the same to the rest of the men. We all assembled along the empty racks that once held wine.

"This way." Bea headed towards the back of the cellar to reveal a staircase masquerading as a tapestry. Once again, we followed. Like grandfather, like granddaughter I supposed, once again feeling like a duckling. Maybe once we got Erebor back, I would change our logo to include Donald Duck.

"I don't believe this!" Bofur hissed a moment later. "You're supposed to be getting us out, not leading us further in!"

"What?" Kili spun. "This the basement."

Bea muttered something that sounded like "No shit, Sherlock" before raising her voice, "don't worry, I have a plan."

I'm sure that was supposed to inspire confidence. All I felt was a growing sense of dread.

Sure enough, we found ourself in a dark room that smelled of old wine and septic tanks. Was that a leak in the ceiling? Leave it to the consultants to have faulty construction.

"Alright. Everyone into a bin." She pointed towards a stack of blue trashcans that rose towards the low ceiling.

"Oh, hell no." Nori said.

Bifur made a sign that needed no translation. I'd have to get him to teach me that one for the next time I saw Mr. I Have a  
Moose and a King Complex. Still, that was no way to treat Bea.

He rolled one hand in a vague apology under my glare, but that was as close as any of them came to complying.

Loud clangs and shouts from above announced the arrival of the consultants' observations skills. Amateurs.

"Please." Bea said desperately, meeting my gaze. "Trust me."

The words fell from my mouth before I even considered them. "You heard her. Get in."

Damn it. Which brain was I thinking with now?

Trying not to notice the stench of the trash can, I clambered into one. We all poked our heads back out like some strange game of Whack-A-Mole to look expectantly at her.

Bea had moved to stand a few paces away by a large wooden stick protruding from the damp floor. "Hold your breath."

Hold my-

AHHHHH!

The floor disappeared from beneath the bins and we fell downwards. The scream hadn't managed to claw its way from my throat before SPLASH! We met water with considerable force. A wave ended up in my open mouth.

Ugh. That tasted rank. What the hell? I spat out as much of it as I could.

I would trade all of my stock in Erebor for mouthwash right now.

The trap door we had fallen through opened again and a slim form shrieked its way down, arms flailing. Curls popped up next to me as the current dragged us farther from the trap door. Daylight seared my eyes from a small hole in the ceiling up ahead.

I reached over and hauled her torso out of the water. "Nicely done!"

She coughed in response. Oh, I didn't envy her that taste. "Yeah, remember that when you realize where we're going." She choked.

"The sewers." Came Dwalin's voice from up ahead.

Well, that explained the horrible taste. And the trashcans. Why couldn't we have ended up in the clean river a hundred meters that way?

Bea must have plucked the thought from my head. "The sewers are deeper and the river would take us back into Orc territory.

Besides, I couldn't figure out how to get you all there from the blueprints."

That was the last thing we said for a while. The current of sludge and effluvia grew stronger, knocking us about as we raced forward. Bea's brilliance hadn't included grabbing a trashcan for herself, so she was forced to cling to the side of Nori's as we sailed.

After a while the ride became almost enjoyable. Well, if you ignored the stench, the foul taste, and the inability to steer worth a damn. Universal should pick this up for their newest ride at the theme park.

Sewer Flume Ride: remember to keep your mouth closed and bring your own bin. Please keep all hands well inside the vehicle. That's just chocolate in the water, we promise.

Bursting out into the open air, we merged with another stream of waste. Unless I was very much mistaken, we had left the city behind and were heading towards the city's Water Reclamation Facility.

"Ouch!" Ori rubbed the back of his head. "Who hit me?"

We were all spared from responding when we reached the grate that led into the main part of the feed to the waste water treatment plant. Not only were there Greenwood consultants waiting there, looking less than pleased, but over their shoulders,

I caught the unmistakable glint of sunlight on facial piercings.

"Orcs." I hollered in warning.

The Greenwood consultants were hardly damsels in distress and my usual steed was still in the stables so I had to make do with a plastic trashcan, but here I was about to save their asses.

The lack of adoring crowds looking on in awe was distressing, but I called out despite my anguish. I sincerely hope my gold star is in the mail.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the curses I had Thorin used are in Scots Gaelic. One, because while I follow the Middle Earth linguist from the movie (check him out here http://midgardsmal.com/blog/) he had only one curse in Khazdul. Two, I think Scots Gaelic has some similar sounds. And Three because I speak it and I'm nothing if not lazy.  
> That being said, I suck at writing in it, so excuse me if I forgot a letter or something. 
> 
> Hope you like this installment. I cannot believe the Thorin-Thranduil starving snark was not in the movie. One of the best parts of the book. I hold out hope for the extended edition. 
> 
> Not sure when the next one will come as classes start next week and I'm taking upper level engineering courses, but I shall do my best to update on a fairly regular and periodic basis. 
> 
> For all the new readers, Fàilte! 
> 
> For all the returning readers, Meal Is Caith E!


	17. Friends and…errr..It's Complicated

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The race down the river of muck and Bea's bad-assery

Beatrice:

The next time I said I had a plan, someone should knock me out with a blow to the head. Maybe that would force some sense into me.

This was horrible. If I didn't end up with twenty types of infections and a case of blood poisoning to boot, it would be a medical miracle. I tried not to think to closely about what I was floating in, but with the taste coating my mouth, it was hard not to.

"Orcs!" Thorin screamed.

Dear gods, I could not catch a break.

Shielding my eyes against the sudden glare of the sun, I saw four consultants go down in the space of a heartbeat. Their bodies splashed into the open sewer and sent a wave of effluvia over my head.

Thanks. I wasn't filthy enough.

I caught one of the consultants as they drifted past. Nope, definitely dead. Quickly, I sent a prayer of goodwill skyward and ducked the shot that an Orc aimed at me.

Thorin roared, grabbed a knife off a consultant's corpse and took out the Orc in one shot. I blinked at him. Remind me never to piss him off.

Well, more so than I usually did.

"Are you hit, Bea?"

"No. I'm fine. Nice aim."

His grin was more than a little insane. "All in a day's work."

Right. We're all mad here.

A battle raged around me, but I could do nothing to help. So instead I clung on tightly to the edge of Nori's trash bin and tried not to hate my grandfather for dragging me into this mess in the first place.

Our bins thumped softly into one another as we stopped against a grate of some sort. The entrance to the Water Reclamation Facility, unless I missed my mark.

The insanity of the past few days had made me lose track of a calendar, so I experienced a moment of brilliant hope that one of the workers would call for aid. Then I remembered today was Sunday. Only a skeleton crew worked the plant today and they would all be in the office building several hundred meters away.

Glaring up at the sky, I stuck my tongue out at the Universe. Couldn't let us have this one, could you?

"KILI!" Fili roared.

I was beginning to question if that was his whole vocabulary. Maybe since Kili was always in some sort of trouble, it was an evolved trait to keep his brother this side of the coffin.

Heart somewhere down around my ankles, I followed Fili's agonized gaze. Kili had clambered out of his barrel and was racing not only towards the lever that might open the grate, but also towards a contingent of Orcs.

Either the boy was suicidally brave or he had a death wish.

This was ridiculous. I refused to be killed by Orcs while floating in the sewers.

I let go of Nori's can and struck out for the side of the smelly river. While Kili provided an unwitting distraction, I raced towards the consultant I had glimpsed in the middle of an Orc pack.

"How do we open it?" I called, clubbing an Orc over the head with the hilt of my knife.

"I can't let you escape!" She hollered back, red hair swinging wildly. Her pretty face was scrunched up, though whether that was because of the tenacity of her opponents or my colorful aroma, I couldn't tell.

"Are you KIDDING me? Just tell me how to open the damned gate!"

"PUSH THE BUTTON!" She tossed an Orc my way.

"Thanks!" I danced out of the way, dodged a stab aimed at my throat by tripping over my feet, and kicked at the side of his knee. It dislocated with a sickening pop!. "If I survive this, we'll have to have tea. I make some mean scones."

"That sounds great." She offered me a hand up. "Tauriel."

"Beatrice."

"BEA! THIS ISN'T SESAME STREET! WE AREN'T HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS!" Dwalin bellowed. "GET US OUT OF HERE!"

These bankers sure were putting a crimp in my style.

Kili must have heard Tauriel because he circumvented the lever and went for the control box. Unfortunately, so did about three other  
Orcs, one of whom was wielding a pistol and pointing it straight at Kili.

Oh, I was going to regret this. I was going to regret this so much.

"FOR PONY!" I took a running leap and caught the Orc about the ankles. We tumbled across the concrete as he tried to buck me off, but I held on with grim tenacity.

Ouch. Ow. Ouch. Gods damn it.

Every bump and scrape only made my grip tighter.

Take that you stupid Orc.

The Orc kicked suddenly and his boot made contact with my face. Holy freaking Iluvatar, that hurt. I jabbed upwards with an elbow to the groin. The Orc howled and rolled over the bridge into the sewage.

I fight dirty. So sue me.

"BEA! KILI!" Fili's desperate scream reached me. I crawled to the edge, unable to feel half of my face and saw the trash cans emerge on the other side of the bridge. Uh-oh. The party train was leaving and they didn't have the decency to send an engraved invitation.

How tacky. I'd have to remind them that I prefer vellum and calligraphy when being invited play in the sewage system.

Arms bundled me up and off the bridge before we plummeted off of the bridge. Kili grimaced in pain as we landed with a sharp  
CRACK! in a trash can. "You alright?"

"What? Oh, yeah. Just landed wrong on my knee. Thanks, by the way, for keeping him from shooting at me." It was the most serious I had ever seen him. The expression sat oddly on his mobile face.

"No problem. I would hate for a young adventurer like you to take a bullet to the knee." I smiled as we settled into the small confines of the can. At least I wasn't back in the sewage again.

" 'For pony?' " Thorin had drifted over as the rest of the company aimed parting shots at the Orcs.

"It's my battle cry." I confirmed.

Sea green eyes laughed at me. "I had no idea you liked equines so much."

"Well, I'll take them in human form, but, like the rest of woman kind, I am forced to suffer with mere men." Ugh. I really needed a toothbrush. And a new change of clothes. And a long, hot bath.

Kili choked on the water Fili had just passed him. I sent him an arch look as he sputtered back to sanity and turned to Thorin.

That crooked grin flashed as he threw me a wink. "We need to expand your horizons then, Bea."

Twin spots of heat flamed on my face as I smiled. How a man could pack so much innuendo into one sentence while floating in a river of effluvia, is one of the greatest mysteries of our time. And I'd be going straight to hell if I said it didn't have an impact on me.

"Oi! Quit your flirting and get a move on." Gloin grumbled. The amount of muck in his beard hadn't done much to improve his temper.

Wincing at the blooming bruise on the side of my face that the Orc had so generously provided with, I accepted the water bottle. At this point I didn't care where the water had come from as long as it washed out some of the rankness in my mouth.

Thorin's gaze lost all warmth as his hand flashed out to cup my chin. "Who did this?"

"An Orc. We had a disagreement over his choice in targets."

"I'll kill him." The latent violence in his voice made me flinch.

And have him go to jail for my sake? I don't think so.

"No. You won't. I would take much more pleasure in you finding me a nice big tub of hot water and a clean set of clothing." I said firmly. And then you can join me in the tub, was the second part of that thought, but I clamped my lips over it.

I had given up blaming such thoughts on sleep deprivation. I was attracted to Thorin in a way I had never been to any other man.

If only we didn't have pesky little things like a group of homicidal drug dealers on our tail, or a meddlesome grandfather, or an oath to restore family fortunes, or nephews, or ten feet separating us...

I sighed as we started to paddle to the side before the Orcs could catch us up again. My ovaries sure had sucky timing.

A voice that sounded suspiciously like my conscience spoke, _not just your ovaries, Bea girl. Your heart as well_.

That voice I actively ignored.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I think it was utterly ridiculous in the movie how Kili gets shot with a Morgul arrow and gets left behind, blah, blah. They had better resolve it well in the third movie or I will be less than pleased.  
> Hence, Bea saves the day. Also, she's fun to write during action scenes.  
> Bonus points to whomever gets the For Pony reference.  
> As always, let me know what you think!


	18. They're on a Boat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first glimpse of Laketown and Erebor and the plot moves forward

Beatrice: 

The river of muck dropped us off at the first building of the treatment plant. Oin muttered something about it being a filter station, but I didn't much care. All that mattered to me was getting out of the trashcan and finding hygiene again. 

According to Fili, we had to cross the length of the Reclamation Facility and then swim across the lake to reach Erebor. The bank had been founded years before the city had experienced its large population boom and was in the old part of the town. Not much lay farther north besides Mount Gundabad. 

Though I had never been swimming's biggest fan, I was rather looking forward to the dip. It might wash some of this gunk off of me. 

"Are you sure you're okay, Bea?" Thorin asked as he gave me a hand out of the bin. 

I began to answer when I caught movement from over his shoulder. "Well, I would be if people would stop pointing guns at me." 

Thorin spun, shoving me behind him. Without the armory we normally carried around, all of us were vulnerable to the man with, unless my years of reading bad spy novels led me wrong, an AK-47 aimed at our throats. 

"Hello." 

All the men glared at me. Well, it never hurts to be polite. 

"Who are you?" A weathered face that was nonetheless attractive in its ruggedness, the man had streaks of premature gray through his long brown hair. 

"Mere merchants who have run afoul of this city's more colorful denizens." Balin said in a very soothing voice. 

"You don't say." The man's sharp eyes fell on the bullet riddled trashcans and the bruise blooming on the side of my face. 

"Err. That boat of yours looks like it's big enough to cross the lake. Do you perchance take passengers?" 

I followed Balin's gaze to the far side of the plant. A sailboat was indeed docked at the shore. While not the prettiest ship, it was a damned sight better than swimming across the cold waters. 

"I know where these bins came from. I don't think Thranduil will be amused to know that his captives took such liberties with his property."   
The man said. "Furthermore, all of Laketown's business owes itself to Greenwood and the Master will not jeopardize our relations with him." 

"Your point?" Dwalin rumbled, wringing unidentifiable muck from his beard. 

"No one gets into Laketown without the Master's leave." 

There had been rumors for a long time of a city on the lake. It had been originally proposed as a thought experiment. How would such a thing function in the modern era when everything relied on electricity? I hadn't realized that it had reverted to the Middle Ages in its governing style. 

"I'd wager that there are ways into that town unseen." Balin said when the man started to walk away. "That coat of yours has seen better days and I'm sure you have some hungry bairns at home." 

"For that you would need a smuggler." He paused, one foot on a trashcan.

Balin bolted forward and held out his hand. "We pay double." 

Well I hope one of the men had a secret pouch of gold on them somewhere because I was out of cash and somehow didn't think smugglers took VISA.

"Why do you keep the trashcans?" I asked as we all clambered aboard and the man untied the boat. 

"That's how we make our money. We recycle and compost. We have the first ever living green facility. It's a reverse osmosis plant to give us clean drinking water as well as a sustainable energy farm. The consultants give us the trashcans and we turn them into new products." He handed me a length of rope to coil. 

"Wow. I'd love to see that. I was reading just the other day about using such a thing to cleanup our waste instead of using harsh chemicals. I'm Beatrice, by the way. Thanks for your help." 

"Bard." He shook my proffered hand. 

A bad joke hovered on the edge of my tongue, but thanks to my massive amounts of self control, I managed to bite it back. "Pleasure. How many people live in Laketown?" 

"A few hundred. We mostly keep to ourselves so we don't have much in the way of trade or immigration now that Erebor has been shut down." 

Yes, Smaug's takeover of Erebor had done a lot of evil. I watched the bankers as they took turns washing off in the lake. I wondered what would have happened if Erebor had never fallen. 

Would these men still be friends? Would Thorin have taken over as CEO already? Fili and Kili would have gone to the best prep school in the city and their uncle Frerin would probably still be alive. 

Would I ever have met any of them? I didn't move in the same circles as the Durinsons once did. Thorin and I would have passed on the street and jumped to conclusions about the other if we noticed at all. To him, I would be an average, working class woman with her nose buried in a book. Probably not worth his attention just from the way I dressed and wore knockoff tennis shoes. I, on the other hand, would have seen an Armani suit, polished shoes and thought 'stuck-up stock broker'. Someone who had too much money and too much ambition. 

But now? Now, I hardly even recognized myself. The Bea of a month ago would never have flirted so openly with Thorin. She would never have taken on the Spiders, content in her quiet, and, if I were to be honest, cowardly ways. 

However, this adventure came with its own problems. How was this going to end? Even if everything I hoped for came true, what did I do then? There was no place in the world elite bankers for a computer hacker with a tendency to prefer the company of books to that of people. Hell, the only reason I had a bank account was because some of my clients insisted on direct deposit. 

Maybe I could become their consultant. Goodness knows Thorin wouldn't be contracting that out to Rivendell or the Greenwood anytime soon. I could expand my business base into the banking world, pick up some big clients. Then, retire early and go live in a treehouse in New Zealand. 

I shook myself and jumped over the edge of the ship. Cold water slapped at me, the shock of the temperature nearly as great as my relief at being clean. Ducking under, I scrubbed as best I could at my hair. The curls were going to be an absolute disaster as they dried. No doubt Fili and Kili would start introducing me as Cousin It. 

Laketown was an interesting place. It had been created on the ruins of an ancient merchant town that had been destroyed by Smaug and Dragonfire Ltd. I think it had been called Esgaroth. Then technology entrepreneurs had seen an opportunity and built a village that would subsist off of entirely self-sustaining technology with no power lines running across the lake. 

Everyone had been excited to see it built, hailing it as the start of a new, clean energy era. The village had been built, but then all communication with it became restricted. No one had any idea how they were doing or how the technology had faired. 

From Bard's clothes however, I was willing to be the thought experiment could have benefitted from some more thought. 

Dori and Oin helped me back aboard as Balin counted out the money. "Come on lads, turn out your pockets. We're a hundred short." 

"Gloin." Thorin rolled his eyes. "Come on." 

"Don't look at me. I have been bled dry by this venture." 

Wringing out the mass of my hair, I tried not to smile at his obviously fake outrage. All of the men turned to glare at him before, one by one, their jaws dropped. 

What on earth? Expecting something akin to the Kraken, I spun, slipped on the slick deck and nearly went back into the water. Only my gobs of inherent grace kept me from returning to life as a fish. 

Or maybe it was a helping hand from Nori. 

I'll stick with the grace story. 

All I saw was a very tall building on the opposite shore. Either my bankers were harboring some rather odd architectural fetishes or that was the place for which we were aiming. 

"Is that...?"

Balin nodded in mute assent. 

Ah. Finally the mythical EreborInc. 

A monolith of stone and glass, the building was gorgeous with sculpted balconies, murals of ancient tales in stained glass, and glints of gold worked into the very stone itself. 

"Home." Thorin murmured with so much emotion that tears beaded in my eyes. 

The clouds rolled in and the building disappeared from sight. The men around me blinked as if awakening from a dream. I tried to think of some words of comfort, but there was no need. All of them were rejuvenated, the hope and anticipation fairly gleaming in their gazes. 

I smiled slightly. We were so close and they wanted this so much. If we could just figure out a way to get Smaug out, the success would be sweeter than all the chocolate in the world. Then the motion made my teeth start to shake and I hurriedly place both hands over my cheeks. 

Holy Manwë on a stick I was cold. I clenched my jaw in an attempt to keep my teeth from chattering, but I was doing too good of an seismograph impression for the others to miss. 

Thorin caught my elbow and tugged me against him. Too cold and tired to overanalyze the situation, I snuggled up close and rested my head beneath his chin. Radiant body heat soon had the front of me nice and toasty warm. Breathing out a sigh, I pressed closer and trusted all of my weight to him. 

"Don't fall asleep on me now, Bea." He rumbled in my ear. 

"Why not?" 

"You'll miss all of the excitement. Haven't you heard how you have to get into Laketown?" 

I had actually. And, while I would normally find them fascinating, at the moment, I was completely content to fall asleep in Thorin's arms.   
"I'm sorry, but my Give A Damn is broken. Try again tomorrow." 

A deep chuckle. "Somehow I don't think you're going to want to miss this." 

Reluctantly, I turned my head to peer out over the lake. My breath came in as one big rush and stayed in. 

"You've got to be fucking kidding me." 

Thorin laughed out loud. Everyone's head turned. Kili even making an exaggerated face at me. You would think they had never heard Thorin laugh before. "Your language is truly deplorable, Bea." 

"It's part of my charm." I breathed, trying to take in what I was seeing. The entrance to Laketown seemed to be..."Frogger?" 

"Yes ma'am." Bard hopped down to the lower deck. "When this place was built, the video game Frogger had just hit the market and our founders were a little obsessed. Don't worry. I've been sailing these waters since I was a child. I can beat the game in my sleep." 

I would have been slightly more reassured if not for the huge scythe-like boats that moved across the narrow entrance just waiting to smash us into tiny pieces. 

Oh yes. This couldn't possibly go wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Probably not the most entertaining chapter, but we needed to move things along.   
> Apologies for the long gap. Life has this nasty habit of getting in the way.   
> Just watched the extended edition of the second movie. Only a little over a month until the last one! I'm going to be a sobbing wreck.   
> As always, let me know what you think!


	19. Chicken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bea has a cold and Bard plays chicken

Thorin:

"Can I bother you for a moment?" 

I glanced down from my contemplation of Erebor to see a much more enticing sight. Bea, shivering in her wet clothes, stood at my elbow.   
Curls liberated from their tight bun swayed in haphazard cascades down her shoulders and dark smudges hung like plague flags beneath her bright crystal gaze. 

Maybe we would stay a day or two in Laketown. Durin's day was fast approaching, but we could spare a few hours for everyone to catch up on their rest. 

"Sure. What's wrong?" 

Bea bit her bottom lip as if suddenly unsure. I stepped closer to her to guard against the breeze coming off the water. She was shivering so hard I was afraid she was about to crack in two. 

"When we make it to the bank and somehow steal the last piece of the Arkenstone from Smaug, what are you planning to do? I know the Arkenstone has a lot of the security codes and such, but Smaug will still be there." She said, her words coming out so quickly they bounced and crashed into one another. 

Now there was a damned good question I wished I had an answer to. My thoughts had been dwelling more and more on Smaug the closer we came. This close to Erebor, it seemed like we might actually reach the building. Our insane hope, my one and only dream, was suddenly much more plausible now that we could see the sunset glinting on the bright windows of the building. 

Bea must have read something of my thoughts in my expression because she grew grave. "Alright. Well, whatever you do come up with, promise me you'll be careful. I...well, I think it would be horrible to reach your bank only to lose it all at the last minute. And I...I don't   
want..." She shook her head sharply. 

"Don't want what, Bea?" I was very curious as to the end of that sentence. 

Placid lakes of gleaming silver met my gaze, tears trembling on the edges of her lashes. "I don't want anything to happen to you, Thorin. Not just Smaug killing you like he does all intruders, but...I hope that this is everything you think it will be. Sometimes achieving a dream is more painful than failure." 

I had absolutely no idea what to say to that. Equally touched and worried that she might be right, I simply stared at her. Rubbing a thumb across her cheek to catch the tear that fell, I tried to find words. "I'm aware of the differences between dreams and reality, little one. Don't worry about me." 

"Well someone has to do it." She sniffed with a valiant effort at a smile. 

That woman had more courage than anyone I had ever met. It wasn't the ferocity that defined Dwalin or even the wisdom Balin kept. Bea had a different kind of strength: quiet, tenacious and whole hearted. She would never betray someone she trusted simply because it would never occur to her to do so. 

"You're going to freeze to death." I said gruffly, pulling her against me. She nuzzled in close, a sigh caressing my neck. I held her loosely, trying not to give my hindbrain any ideas, as her shudders slowly eased. 

"You should listen to her." Balin murmured in my ear a while later. 

Bea had slipped into an uneasy doze, interrupted by sniffles and a cough that was worryingly rough. I still had her in my arms but we had taken up a position on the bow where I could watch Bard's unnerving progress through the obstacle course. 

This was absolutely ridiculous. Lake Town must be an insane asylum. Why would they make the entrance to their home a death trap? Huge and surprisingly quick, unmanned boats charged us from all sides. 

Bard appeared to know what he was doing. I'd give him that much. Each time I thought for sure we were going to be smashed into tiny, screaming bits, Bard swung the boat around and we didn't even get a scrape.   
I hated just sitting here with nothing helpful to do. Bard had made it very clear that we were to sit tight and not speak to him until he no longer needed to concentrate. 

At least Fili and Kili were enjoying it. Taking bets with the other lads on how many times Ori was going to scream, they kept joking back and forth to each other, reenergized by the sight of Erebor. It was reassuring to see them happy again. 

I would walk straight into Smaug's fire if it meant they would always be this happy. 

"I usually do." I whispered. 

Balin smiled. "Yes. She has an interesting effect on you." 

Well, I don't know if 'interesting' was the correct word. Predictable, violent, and torturous might be more accurate. Not that I wanted the others to know it. I really didn't want to hear Dwalin's commentary because I had a feeling one of his words would be 'whipped'. 

"However, I think she is more prescient than you're giving her credit for. What are you going to do with Smaug? Maybe you should remember that whatever you choose, we're with you. Even just reclaiming the Arkenstone is enough to reinstate the Durin name." He continued. 

"I've told you before, Balin. There is no choice about this. Not for me. We'll figure this out." Forward was the only direction I could go. There was nothing behind me to return to. 

Balin turned to look out at the waters. I don't know how this was any less stressful as Bard was adhering a little too strongly to the rules of 'chicken' for my comfort. I closed my eyes and clutched Bea tighter as we scraped against a barge covered in graffiti. 

"Watch it!" Dwalin bellowed. 

Bard muttered something under his breath about Dwalin's ancestors before raising his voice and reassuring us. "I've been sailing these waters since I was a boy. Don't get your beard in a twist." 

Now that would be interesting to see.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter today. Should be more in the near future. I'm off to see the new movie!   
> Happy holidays, everyone!


	20. A Day for Sneezing and Worrying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bard smuggles them into Laketown. Fili and Bea have a heart-to-heart.

Bea:

Well, I was right. Taking a joy ride in sewage came to the inevitable conclusion: one sick Bea. And it wasn't just my throbbing head, an elephant on my chest, or the fact that there was enough phlegm in my sinuses to make the star of the next blob movie. No, that part I could have dealt with. What I couldn't rationalize was the ten pounds of slimy, dead, cold fish on my head. 

I had liked Bard. Thought he was quite nice, if a little grim. Now, I considered him to be about on the same level as Smaug. 

Oh, how I missed my comfortable memory foam mattress! And my gas stove with a kettle full of hot water and a cabinet full of tea. 

I was never going to eat fish again. 

Well...maybe fish and chips if they were nice and crispy. Ooh, and pair it with a nice ale and some malt vinegar for the chips. 

Gods, I was starving. 

With a jolt, the boat pushed off from the docks. Bard could make it back into my good graces if he fed us upon arrival. Then again, it would be rather presumptuous of us to impose upon him for food after all he had done for us. 

Hmm. Maybe he could point me in the direction of a grocer. I would be more than happy to cook a meal for us all. Though I think, as nice as fish and chips sounded, the horror of this experience might be too fresh to enjoy a salmon filet. 

Then again, what did you eat besides fish in a city built on the water? 

That's right, I ask the hard questions. 

THUMP! Bard must have hit my barrel. "Quickly!" 

Oh thank the gods. Convinced I was never going to be clean again, I pushed my way out of the fish pile. What a sight we must have made. Fourteen grown people erupting from snotty fish like some weird game of Whack a Banker. 

A hysterical giggle tickled the back of my throat, but I was forced to swallow it as Bard led us down a rickety wooden path and back into the freezing cold water. 

Okay, maybe I'd be clean again, but never warm. 

We followed the watery image of Bard striding above us to an even more ramshackle house than the others we had passed. We took it in turns to surface for air as we swam, and I'm sure we gave the inhabitants of Lake Town quite a scare when Dwalin's furious face attempted to scorch the lake into mist, or when Ori's bewildered face gasped like a young boy who just found out girls have cooties. 

We clambered up through an odd box at the base of the house and onto a small landing. It wasn't until I looked back to help Dori up that I realized what we had just clambered up.

Yep, I just climbed through a toilet. 

Ugh! Ew! Oh, dear. 

"Oh, come on. We've all been in worse places." Nori tried to cheer me up. "Besides it empties straight into the lake. This bit is hardly any dirtier than the rest of the water. 

"Thanks. I feel better." 

"Glad I could help." 

I wasn't certain if he caught the sarcasm or if he was simply being polite. Deciding it wasn't worth confusing either of us further, I kept walking. Up a flight of stairs that OSHA would have a field day with, I found myself at the door to a humble home. Knocking politely, I tried not to cough up a lung. 

A young boy answered, looking curiously from me to the men. "Err..."

"Hi! I'm Beatrice. Your father is expecting us, I believe." 

"Bain." He shook my hand enthusiastically and stepped aside to let us in. 

It was a small home, with many handmade furnishings and blankets that had seen better days. Well, it seemed Laketown wasn't as much of a success as it was often claimed. If the man who interacted with highfalutin society like Greenwood was this badly off, then what did that make the rest of the town, beggars? 

"They aren't much, but they are warm." Bard handed out thick woolen clothes with ragged hems. 

"Thang you bery muh." I sneezed. 

Dori clicked his tongue and helped me disappear into the depths of the coat. I must have looked ridiculous with wild, wet hair, and a red nose just visible from beneath an enormous jacket. Good thing no one had their phones or cameras anymore. 

"Hi." A young woman, probably no more than twelve or thirteen, smiled tentatively at me. 

I found a seat at the table and huddled further into the fabric. "Hi. I'm Bea." 

"I'm Sigrid and this is Tilda." She pointed at her sister. 

"Da? Will these bankers bring us luck?" Tilda wanted to know. 

I laughed so hard at that, I fell out of my seat. Fili yanked me off my feet and tossed me back onto the bench. 

"What is so funny about that?" Dwalin demanded. 

"I'm sorry, but what about your situation is lucky? If you can't bring luck to yourselves, how on earth can you bring luck to others?" I gasped through my giggles and coughs. 

Balin made a face. "She has a point." 

"Sigrid, come help me get some soup for our guests." Bard cut through the brewing argument. 

"Here, I can help." I stood, tripped over the tails of the coat, and would have face planted onto the hard floor if not for Ori standing so conveniently in the way. So instead, we both went down. 

Thorin helped me untangle myself from the flailing limbs. I sneezed out a thank you. "I bet tall people don't have these problems." 

"Yes, but you overcome them with such panache." 

I smiled. "Flatterer." 

"What type of soup do you like?" Tilda took my hand and dragged me over to the small kitchen. 

"What's you're favorite?" 

"Mushroom!" 

"Mushroom? What do you know, that's mine as well! I love mushrooms. Sauté them in a bit of butter, stew 'em with some potatoes, dip them in batter and give 'em a quick fry." Nothing had ever sounded so good before. 

All of the men laughed at me which I nobly ignored. Sigrid laughed behind her hand. "They make Bain seem refined." 

"They make anyone seem refined," I told her. "You just have to figure out how to control them. Watch this." 

Turning on one heel, I froze my features and let ice coat my voice. "Is. Something. Funny?" 

As one, the color drained from each face and they suddenly found something else to be doing. 

"That was amazing!" The girls started glaring at their brother who remained unimpressed. 

"Keep working on it. Just make them think you're well versed in ancient torture techniques. Like...mathom....forcing a mathom upon them." I advised them. 

Thorin whispered in my ear, the breath gusting over my neck and making me shiver. "I thought mathoms were a Shire custom. Things you give as gifts even though they have no use." 

I elbowed him gently in the stomach. "Don't ruin my mystique." 

He chuckled softly, and I swear to Iluvatar, kissed the tip of my ear.

I hadn't imagined that had I? Why did he do that? 

I must have accidentally bumped against his mouth. Sad to say, based on my previous dating history, that was the explanation that most made sense.  
Then again, he had held me while I slept on the boat. 

Well, that was probably just politeness. And self-interest. What good would a hacker be half dead from hypothermia? 

Ugh! I had to stop overanalyzing this. Thorin was my employer. My very hot, brooding, yet undeniably kind, employer. Until we came to the end of this mission, whatever that might be, my employer was all that he could ever be. 

"How do you make mushroom soup?" Sigrid reclaimed me and tugged me to the wood stove. 

I borrowed some rice to dry out my phone which was a little worse for the wear from all our swimming escapades, but it was of sturdy build so I held out hope. 

The girls and I set about making cream of mushroom soup. I was a little worried how it would turn out since I had never made it with goat's milk that was just hours away from going sour. Still, everyone came back for seconds and Bard made me swear to write the recipe down. 

I almost asked Bard where his wife was, but for once in my life I managed to hold my tongue. Good thing too, because once I engaged that thing between my ears, I detected no female presence in the house (besides the girls, I mean), and noticed how all three children were starved for adult female attention. 

Tears fought to escape my eyelids as Tilda showed me the room she and her sister shared, and the doll Bard had bought for her birthday. I knew what it was like to lose my mother, and it was an agony I would not wish on anyone. 

We returned to the main living area where Bard was showing the bankers the weapons he had procured for them as part of our deal. Judging by the scrunched noses and scowls, the weapons weren't quite what my friends had had in mind. 

"We paid you for weapons. Steel blades." Dwalin spat. 

Always the diplomat, that one. 

The rest of the men threw down odd pieces of metal and fishing tools. Bard gave them an unamused glare. "These are the best you'll find outside the town armory. They're not much, I'll grant you, but they're better than nothing in a fight." 

"Thorin, I've made do with much less, as have you." Balin said. "We should take whatever we can get and keep moving. Durin's Day is almost upon us." 

Bard's sharp eyes cut to the two men at the mention of Thorin's name, but I couldn't tell if it meant anything to him. 

"What we need is a portable Gatling gun." Thorin muttered. Still, he took up the ankle gun and slipped it into his shoe. 

"A what?" 

"A Gatling gun. Huge machine gun. They shoot round after round of high caliber bullets at great speeds. It is said that only a black bullet, a bullet made from a specific metal, can pierce the Kevlar vest that Smaug wears at all times." 

"You only need one to do it." Bain interjected excitedly. "Girion, Mayor of Dale, hit Smaug just below the heart and ripped the vest on the day he came to Erebor. One more shot and he'll be dead." 

"That's a fairytale, laddie. No one hit Smaug." Balin said, patting the boy on the back. "He's as near to invincible as they come." 

I snorted. "I'm sorry, what year are we in, 1865? Who on earth cares if he wears a Kevlar vest? Shoot him through the eyeball. Or if your aim sucks, unload a whole magazine above or below the vest. Wham Bam, thank you ma'am, and we'll all be home in time for tea." 

No one seemed to hear me. Instead, they continued arguing about whether or not Smaug's Kevlar had a rip in it. 

Men. 

Alright, new plan. Bea knocks everyone in the schnoz, goes to Erebor by herself, cracks into the servers for the last piece of the Arkenstone, slaps a pair of handcuffs on this arrogant SOB, and returns before anyone wakes up. 

75% satisfaction rate or you pay for my funeral. Guaranteed. 

"Bea?" 

I glanced up to find Fili at my side. "Home fizzle. What be hanging?" 

He blinked rapidly. "One of these days, I swear I'm going to get the hang of talking to you." 

Annnnd that's what I get for trying to be hip. "We shall live on in hope. What's up?" 

"Can I talk to you for a moment?" 

I nodded so we walked over to the far wall of the dining area while the others started planning some elaborate heist of the town armory and Bard disappeared after warning us not to go anywhere until dark. I sat on the floor with my back against the wall, and Fili crouched next to me, shifting on the balls of his feet as he thought. Tilda came over and laid her head in my lap as she read a very worn book. Sigrid was close by with her knitting, and Bain was a few feet away playing an ancient Gameboy. 

For one split second, I had the strangest feeling that I wasn't in the twenty-first century, but sometime long, long ago when heroes fought dragons and there was no such thing as the internet or coding. 

Then, reality reasserted itself and my phone buzzed in my pocket. Aha! Rice for the win! 

I had put an alert on Azog and Smaug's Twitter accounts. Smaug hadn't tweeted anything for a few years, but Azog seemed all to keen on letting the world know how much of a badass he was. 

Today's tweet was no exception. 

 

Azog the Defiler (@azswag): Mark Antony has nothing on me. 

 

Yeah, well here's to hoping you find the same end, you asswipe. 

It looked like he was somewhere north of the city from his IP address. Good. He was one less thing to worry about. 

"You know, your uncle once accused me of having sudden onset mutism." I said conversationally when Fili proved reluctant to do much besides chew on his tongue. "It didn't end well for him, but if you ever need help breaking into cut-throat mime community, I might be able to give you a few pointers." 

The pun made him scowl. Heh. One of these days, the bankers were going to miss my sense of humor. 

"I'm...I'm worried about Uncle." 

That'll teach me to crack jokes. "Anything specific?"

"No. It's just what my mother said to me before we left. She told me about how my great-grandfather went mad. I don't mean he became arrogant because of how powerful his company was. It got to the point where the doctors wanted to throw meds at him and see if any worked. Paranoia, greed, aggression, acute OCD, he had them all." Fili let out a deep breath. Anxiety creased his expression. "Ma said it was due to the gold and gems he kept in the vaults. He would just go in and stare at them for hours. And when he wasn't doing that, he and Grandfather would obsessively check the coding in the firewalls and the Arkenstone." 

"And you're worried the same will happen to Thorin?" 

A half shrug and a furtive look around us. "I think it's worth being aware of, don't you?" 

"Yes." I hesitated, unsure of what to say. "Fili, I appreciate your trust in telling me all of this. I'm not entirely sure why you tell me of all people-" 

"Uncle respects you. You're the only one who can criticize him and make him consider your words. Even Ma can't do that." He interrupted, sounding more sure of himself now. 

"Err...sure, let's go with that. As I was saying, I think we should definitely be more observant than normal and supportive of Thorin, unless he does something catastrophically stupid, but Thorin is not his grandfather. And neither are you." 

His blond head jerked up and for an instant Fili seemed years older. An old soul in a young face. I couldn't imagine what their family must have gone through since they lost Erebor. Not only the loss of livelihoods and pride, but also the grief over Thror and then Thrain. The burden that had fallen on them must be soul-crushing.   
It was no wonder, really, that all of them had been willing to risk life and limb on this insanity. Anything would be better than the continued agony of doing nothing. 

"Thank you." He said quietly. 

"Don't worry, Fili. We'll figure this out together." 

He looked reassured and walked off with his usual swagger. I wished I could say the same of myself. The closer and closer we came to Erebor, the more dread began to clump in my gut. There was hope, yes, from the people I ventured forth with, but in equal parts there was despair that something terrible would happen I would not be able to prevent. 

There is a reason most of the books on my shelves are romances. I love happy endings as much as I love laughing with the wind and smiling at the flowers. 

But was there a Happy Ever After for this story?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of an interlude here, as far as plot points go.   
> Hopefully we shall reach the bank next time, but we shall see.   
> Let me know what you think!


	21. In Which Beatrice Learns How Not to Diplomacize and They Reach Erebor!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lake Town and the ending of Durin's Day

Lake Town: A Review by Beatrice Baggins  
Overall: 2/5  
Lodging: 3/5  
Food: 1/5

General Atmosphere: Quite friendly unless you are caught stealing their things. When avoiding criminal charges, it helps, of course if you are the disenfranchised heir to a magnificent banking fortune and have stifled charisma bottled up behind a brooding, sexy exterior. 

Comments: Some very friendly people and an interesting place if you are interested in unique architecture. Many buildings made out of BioFoam. Cuisine has a wide variety of options: fish, fish, and fish. Poorly stocked pharmacies so if you get a horrendous head cold, you are SOL. Views are quite nice if you're into the lake scene (pun intended), but there is the imminent threat of one Mr. Smaug riding out on his high horse and torching the city simply because he felt so inclined.  
Not a good family vacation spot. 

After demonstrating some rather despicable manners to Bard, the bankers had decided that not only did we need better weapons, but that we needed computer paraphernalia as well. So, they tramped over to the Lake Town museum in the dead of night to 'borrow' what we needed. 

I had refused point blank to steal from our unwitting hosts, which had amused no one. Instead, I stayed back with Bard and his family, waiting for the inevitable conclusion to this nonsense. 

Sure enough, they were caught by the alarm system and dragged before the Master of the Town. The whole village had been summoned to the town center. Half terrified that we were about to travel back in time and witness a hanging, I had sneezed my way through the crowd. 

Once everyone had ascertained who was who, the Master's face a cleared. A huge man in every sense of the word, he had a voice that was surprisingly mellow for his size. Balding with a spectacular comb-over, he puffed and postured on the steps to his manor home, telling Thorin not to dream of such fanciful ideas. Smaug was not one to be messed with. 

My eyes narrowed. Buzz kill. No one else had ever come so close to retaking Erebor. 

"Still, your family was always kind to us. I remember the great days of Dale. If someone will speak for you, I will embrace you and yours with welcome arms, this stealing nonsense to be put behind us." 

My mouth opened, words tumbling out, before I was even aware of doing so. "I will." 

Hundreds of eyes fell on me. 

Way to go, Bea. Way to keep up your inconspicuous appearance. 

"Thorin Oakenshield is not a petty thief, sir. We have been driven to desperate measures by the same man who keeps your town from flourishing. And yet, despite it all, and let me tell you there have been many hardships, he has remained true to himself and to his men. You will not find a stronger or more loyal man in this city." When I should have been soothing and diplomatic, my voice was combative and uncompromising. 

I rubbed at my temples. I must be coming down with a cold. My thoughts were fuzzy and being sick never agreed with me. My temper grew short, and my body attempted to shut down for sleep no matter where I was. 

The Master considered this. "So you personally vouch for him?" 

"Did I fucking stutter?" 

Dead silence. 

A strangled cough came from Thorin. He was fighting back a grin, fists pressed tightly against his thighs. 

Both Fili and Kili were staring at me with something approaching admiration. 

Oh dear. It was never a good sign when Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum were impressed. 

 

"This is a bad idea. A really bad idea. Oh, dear, dear, dear." I sat in the very middle of the boat and tried not to watch the approaching shore. 

"Your composure is really inspiring, dearest Bea." Dwalin snapped. 

"Yeah, well. Unfortunately, due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off. I'm just being practical." 

"Maybe next time I'll just shove my boot up your-" 

"Assaulting women. My how far you've fallen, Dwalin darling." 

"Not women. Woman. Just you." 

"Knock it off, you two." Thorin snapped from the helm. 

We grinned at each other. I arched my back until I wink upside down at Thorin. "Is something wrong, O Captain my Captain?" 

"You need sass settings." He rolled his eyes. "That way I could turn it down when I need to concentrate." 

"Are you saying I'm distracting you?" My cold had mostly died after two days of rest, but my throat was still raw from all the coughing. Thankfully I had healed past the awkward, sound like a life long smoker phase, and was firmly in the smoky, sexy phase. 

Sea green eyes met mine. "I refuse to answer that." 

I grinned. Point to me. "Besides, this brilliance comes only in one setting: damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead." 

"Save your torpedoes for Smaug." 

Annnnnd, there went my good mood. Back to widening my ulcer it was. 

The people of Lake Town were only too happy to outfit us for the trip to Erebor. In fact, they had seemed almost gleeful in setting us off into the unknown. That might have been due to my strong language, and the fact that Thorin swore to invest some of the bank's funds in the city and its people should be be successful. 

The boat bumped gently into the north shore of the lake and we disembarked. I tried not to look too closely at the buildings we passed. Shattered windows and smashed doors hung in skeletal faces, forgotten stories that decayed with time. There was no life here. And no hope. Only grim reminders of human greed. 

We could solve medical mysteries. Place whole towns on water. Overcome impossible obstacles. Create monstrous pieces of machinery to literally remake the earth. 

And yet... 

There were still people like Smaug. People who saw nothing of worth in others. Who saw the world as theirs and theirs alone. 

How lonely that must be. To believe no one your equal and see only the terror and pain in the world.  
Life is pain. Anyone who tried to tell me differently was probably trying to sell me something. But life is also joy and sorrow. Laughter and screams. There was so much more to life than a vault of money or a file of code. 

I stared at the men around me as we scrambled over broken beams and rusting steel. Erebor, to them, was more than money. It was memory and the future. But when it came down to it, that critical moment, would they remember this? Or would they be ruled by their greed for vengeance? 

"We're looking for the secret entrance to the basement. That will be where you can find a way into the network." Thorin told me. 

We all peered at the print out of the map. I was no cartographer. To me it looked as if we should be searching for some squiggly lines next to some jagged lines. 

Since none of us had our bearings, we split up. 

"Here squiggly lines, here lines, lines." I crooned just to hear something other than the howling of the wind as it tore through the empty buildings. 

Wait a minute. I drew up short. Hadn't Gandalf told us to wait for him before we entered Erebor? What were we doing looking for a way in without him?

I opened my mouth to call for Thorin and get an answer when I realized how dumb I sounded. Of course Thorin wouldn't wait. None of them would. Not when they were finally so close. 

Well, drat! What did I do now? 

I suppose, in the end, what it came down to was: did I trust Thorin? 

"Here squigglies. Oh." 

In the side of the bank, an architect's wet dream of metal, glass, wood and stone, there was a distinct pattern in the wood grain. If I tilted my head, the dark lines merged into what appeared to me an...."X marks the spot. Oh, dear." 

"My family never has been creative." Thorin came up. "You have keen eyes, Bea. I wouldn't have caught that." 

"Hmm." Thank me when we all made it out of this. 

Thorin called everyone over. He and Dwalin pushed at the panel of wood. With nary a squeak, the hidden door slid into the wall.

Just like in the movies, a dark hole gaped at us, stale air fanning our faces. 

"What, no pithy comments?" Thorin cocked an eyebrow. 

"Just a warning that if anything jumps out and yells Boo! I'm going to run and scream like a girl." 

"That's sexist." Bofur said. 

"No, it's not. It means I'll run faster and scream louder than any of you. I survive, you get eaten by some terrible monster." 

Thorin led the way into the darkness, pulling a pocket flashlight from the pack we had assembled in Lake Town. 

I took a deep breath and followed. To reassure myself, I tried to think of examples in the stories where walking into the dark unknown had ended well for the adventurer. 

Let's see, there was Beowulf- no, he was killed by the dragon. Umm...horror films when people always answered the door, but they died in suitably awful ways. What about that woman in Shakespeare, Lavinia? She had been an interesting character and there had been something about a pit....Memory regurgitated the end to her story, leaving me shaking. I sped up until I could feel the warmth radiating from Thorin's back. 

Beatrice Baggins, professional confidence booster since day one. 

 

"Remind me how the phrase went again?" I murmured.

We found ourselves in an underground cave of sorts. The room had been carved out of the bedrock itself. A merry stream wound past our feet, collecting in a pool that looked large enough to hold the Olympics in near the opposite wall. In the middle of the enormous room was a pillar of stone that looked impossibly soft, as if it were made out of lead. The entire place was lit by motion activated lanterns strategically placed around the room.

The stairs we had descended was the only way in or out of this place. 

"Stand by the grey stone when the thrush knocks and the last light of Durin's Day will shine upon the keyhole." Thorin obligingly recited. 

"Alright. It's a riddle. Great. I'm so wonderful at those. Maybe this time there won't be a creepy ass pervert as the prize." 

Every man turned to stare at me. I waved away their curiosity. "Never mind. So, we have the thrush. It's part of the Arkenstone on the flash drive. We need a computer port. And what's this bit about the last light?" 

"Of Durin's Day. That's today." Bombur supplied. 

"Okay." I jumped across the stream. "Only there is no sky light. How are we supposed to see the moon?" 

"Moon?" 

"You said last light." 

"Sure, but that means the sunset." 

I paused. I honestly hadn't thought of it that way. "Huh. You lot need to stargaze more. The moon has plenty of light. Anyway, is there anything else it could mean?" 

They shrugged helplessly. 

"Tell me about Durin." 

Thorin looked taken aback, but he said readily enough, "He was EreborInc's founder. Brilliant economist and banker. He was a fan of the sciences. Said that whatever we could create with our hands was a miracle. He invested heavily in science and biotech companies." 

"LED!" Fili said suddenly. 

Only his brother seemed to understand this outburst. "The light. What does it stand for? Light Emitting Diode. He invented them, didn't he?" 

I blinked. "I didn't know that. Awesome. But what does that have to do with Durin's Day?" 

"No one move." Thorin ordered. "We have to let the lanterns go out. It's almost time for the moon to rise outside." 

Having no idea were he was going with this, I rolled with it. The harder I fought not to fidget, the greater the urge became. 

Just when I felt a sneeze coming on, the lights went out. The absolute darkness lasted for only a moment before dark red light ignited above us. 

The sharp beam shuddered before it became steady, and it focused on the grey stone! 

Bofur let out a whoop of excitement and I couldn't stop myself from joining in. I fixed the place of the beam in my mind and darted forward. 

As lantern light flooded the chamber again, I found the tiny USB port in the side of the stone. Holding the flashdrive with the 'thrush' out to Thorin, I said, grinning, "the honor is all yours." 

A fierce grin stretched his lips as he carefully fitted the flash drive into the slot. The flash drive hummed as the code was automatically started. 

I waited for a keyboard and screen to pop out like in the Archives, but no such thing happened. Instead, the stone folded in on itself, creating a doorway. From the light in the cave, I could see a spiral staircase curving up into the main part of the bank. 

"Brilliant!" Thorin wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed the side of my head. "These stairs. These walls. I remember each and every step. Vaults filled with golden light. People calling from cubicle to cubicle as you passed. Do you remember it, Balin?" 

"Aye." The old gentleman sounded overcome with emotion. "I remember." 

They were, finally, almost, home. 

"The last piece of the Arkenstone will be on the main computers. Top floor in my father's office. Get that, come back, and we can finally reclaim Erebor. Just don't let Smaug see you." Thorin said after a moment, his voice once more calm and in control. 

"Oh. Um. Alright." 

So it was just me heading into the nearly empty bank to avoid a homicidal man who was more paranoid than a failing despot. 

If I were caught, chances were I wouldn't live to see the utter, crushing despair on my beloved bankers' faces when they realized I had failed. No, my fate would involve more flame throwers and screaming, less touchy-feely stuff. 

That was okay, I could do this. 

No one could match me in hacking. I was small and quiet. All I needed was a plan of action. 

Step one: stop hyperventilating 

Step two: avoid security cameras

Step three: avoid homicidal maniac named Smaug

Step four: hack into one of the most secure mainframes in the city without leaving a trace of my presence 

Step five: make it back here while repeating steps one through three

It was a good plan, but like all good plans, this one face planted straight into failure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally got over my writer's block! Hope you like the update.  
> More to come very soon! I'm excited to write Beatrice and Smaug's interactions.  
> In case you are wondering, it was actually a Soviet- American engineer who invented the LED in the 1960s. Interestingly though, the blue LED didn't come along until this decade, and the scientists who worked on it were awarded the Nobel Prize last year! How cool is that?  
> Also, check out BioFoam. Some pretty neat stuff.  
> Alright, I'm a nerd. Surprise! 
> 
> Anyway, let me know what you think and stay tuned for Beatrice- Smaug sass!


	22. SIRI Gets Sassy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bea and Smaug have a nice chat

The complete and utter lack of life in the building should have reassured me. Instead, when I heard nothing but my footsteps on each floor landing, I began to worry.

There were no security cameras in the stairwell, nor had there been any underground, but the instant I stepped out onto the top floor, my horrified face would be plastered across the monitors.

That meant my first order of business on Thrain's computer was going to be disabling the cameras.

So I added a new step to my POA and kept climbing. How many stories was this monstrosity?

Still, I suppose the past week's shenanigans had been good in one way- I no longer huffed and puffed after only one flight of stairs. Yay, progress.

Finally, eventually, eons later, I found my feet on the very top step. I pressed my ear agains the door to see if I could hear anything, but the only sound I registered was my labored breathing.

Holding onto my courage with both hands, I eased open the door and slipped out into the hallway.

"Holy f..." I couldn't even complete the last word, I was so taken aback by my surroundings.

The consulting offices of Greenwood had been open, airy. The consultants brought their own sense of style with huge stuffed animals and chairs made out of branches. It had been one big playground that managed to capture a sense of determination. There had even been a polished wooden slide running through the middle of the  
conference room.

This took office design in a completely different direction. Delineated into huge personal workspaces by glass walls studded with metal and opals, the top floor could comfortably hold twelve dozen workers, giving them each privacy, but I saw only four desks.

Dark, wooden paneling cloaked the bottom half of the walls and the ceiling, giving it a sophisticated air that was emphasized in the textured bare walls. Crystal chandeliers and discrete floor lighting reflected off the polished wood ceiling and the windows that dominated the whole front half of the room.

A mosaic of a deep pool with the crest of the Durin family above it encased the floor, the stones a mixture of granite, marble, and what I was halfway convinced were diamonds.

No wonder Smaug had taken over the bank. To be constantly surrounded by such beauty must make the rest of the city pale in comparison.

Shaking myself, I started across the room. There were computers tucked into the wood paneling in the office with all the window views. They were probably my best bet for the Arkenstone.

I came up to the monitors set into the wood paneling, but could find no keyboard and no USB port. Nor were the monitors touch screen.

"Completely paranoid, the lot of them." I murmured. What on earth was I going to do?

Maybe this as one of the accidentally-hit-the-right-panel-and-the-secret-slot-opens type of things. Trying not to think of how much of a fool I was making of myself, I tapped every panel, jumped on the floor, and glared at the machines.

No dice.

Alright. Maybe the key wasn't so ideally located. Maybe it was on Thror's desk.

I hurried over to the carved wooden behemoth. As I poked and prodded at the enameled decorations, I accidentally set the Newton's cradle atop the desk to moving.

Clack! Clack!

"Shhh! Shh!" I caught at the silver balls. "Are you trying to get me killed?"

Utterly frustrated, I threw myself into the ridiculously comfortable desk chair. What good was a hacker if she didn't have access to the thing that needed hacking?

"Ah!" I sat up straight, an idea having just occurred to me. Digging my bedraggled phone from my pocket, I hit the speed dial. "Thorin! Shhh! I have you on speaker. I need you to imitate your grandfather's voice."

"Why?"

"To get into the computers. It is voice activated, isn't it?"

There was a long silence. "How did you figure that out?"

"You _knew_?" I hissed. "Don't you think that is something you should have told me before sending me in here?"

"It slipped my mind!" He said hotly. "I'm so sorry I didn't type up a list of things to remember while attempting not to get all of us killed!"

"There is something called multitasking. Even your solitary brain cell is capable of it."

"At least my head isn't so thick that common sense can't get through."

" _Excuse me_? Who is the bloody idiot who charged ten Orcs singlehandedly with no backup?"

"I'm not-"

A soft hiss made me spin. I looked wildly about the room, but I could see nothing different. Had I just imagined it?

"-attempt to-"

"Thorin! Shut up! Please, just imitate Thror. Quickly!" I ran over to hold the phone by the monitors.

"Are you alright, Bea?"

"If you _hurry up_ and say the password, I'll be tickled pink."

He cleared his throat. Drawing out his syllables and roughening his voice, Thorin said, " _Ozirum menu seleku_."

With a soft whirr, the wood moved. Concentric circles of panelling disappeared into the wall and a sleek black keyboard popped out. "Brilliant!" I hissed. "I take back what I said about your one brain cell."

"No, you don't." He laughed.

"Be there in a bit." I hung up so I could have full use of both hands. "Spooky sounds have stopped. I am in the computer. Hack a-lacking time."

Hacking my way into the system, I wrote a quick program to search for the last Arkenstone. "Come on, come on."

The stillness of the office was beginning to get to me. Where was Smaug? Shouldn't he be admiring his domain from the highest point in the building? Like an overgrown bird?

Big Bird! Smaug was the embittered Big Bird in his nest having been kicked off of Sesame Street for not playing well with others.

I swallowed a hysterical giggle. Maybe I'd send him an Elmo toy for company in jail when all of this was over.

"Aha!" I found the security camera feed. Wiping the memory for the past few hours, I created a loop of empty offices and hallways, before setting it to play indefinitely  
while taking all of the cameras offline except the one to watch for Smaug's approach.

I had just found the secure file of the last of the Arkenstone, buried in a photo of the Durin, family when I heard him.

Footsteps stalked carefully down the hallway. My spidey senses tingled. I sense....one very large, lean man with two handguns and a vicious looking knife approaching with speed.

Alright, my psychic senses didn't tell me that. I saw it on the security feed. All my spidey senses were telling me was YOU'RE FUCKED! YOU'RE FUCKED. Which wasn't very helpful.

Yanking the flash drive from the computer, I sent the monitor to sleep, shoved the keyboard back into the wall and scrambled for cover.

Of all the times I needed a cluttered office, this would be it. A nice bookcase to hide behind. Or maybe a filing cabinet.

"Hello, little thief." Smaug muttered as he came into the office. "I know you're here. I can hear your breath."

No, he couldn't for the simple fact that hearing his voice had frozen my lungs. The only thing I was doing, crouched behind a desk, was panicking.

"Come out. I won't kill you. Yet."

Very encouraging. That makes me want to jump out and yell "surprise!"

I pulled my phone out, opened an app and began to type. It took precious seconds to hack into the surround sound system. I thanked each and every one of my lucky stars that the bankers were fans of technology and went wild with BlueTooth.

"I am not a thief." SIRI spoke from my command.

Smaug's footsteps paused. "No? I know you took something from my computers. Tell me, what did you come here to steal?"

"I came because I did not believe the tales. You are a far greater programmer than the stories say, Mr. Smaug, Chiefest and Greatest Calamity of our time."

His voice lost some of its frost when he spoke next. I rolled my eyes. Men. They were so easy. Just stroke the old ego or make a sexual innuendo, and they were putty in your hands. "Oh? And what is your opinion of me?"

"Clever. Determined." They were the two nicest things I could think to say. Murdering scum and colossal asshat didn't seem every diplomatic.

Silence reigned for a moment. "Will you come out so I can see you?"

"I'm shy."

He barked out a rough laugh. "Of that I have no doubt."

I said nothing. I was too busy thinking. Somehow I needed to get him to leave the room so I could make my escape.

"Tell me, person who is not a thief, what shall I call you? You seem familiar enough with my name."

"I have many names." I typed anything that came to mind to buy me more time. If he started prowling again, it wouldn't be long until he found my hiding place. "I have come from atop buildings and under the city. I am she who walks the coded path unseen."

"Intriguing. I didn't recognize the programming you used to hack my files. But that is not your name."

"I am friend to the highest and lowest of this city." This was kind of fun. Like writing the most ridiculous resume. "Sewage Swimmer. Code Breaker. Sheep Killer. Luckwearer."

"Don't go giving yourself too much credit." He sneered.

Says the man who painted his face on the side of this building. "Riddle Maker and Chief Annoyer. But you can call me Bea."

"Bea. Bea. That could mean many things." A chair creaked. I let out a silent sigh. He was enjoying toying with me. "However, I think there is something you have neglected to mention, my charming friend. You do not come alone."

My fingers paused. How in the sweet universe did he know that? "Think me so incompetent to be on my own?"

"Hardly. But this whole plan reeks of Oakenshield. Send in the expendable one and if that fails, come for me himself. Do not delude yourself into thinking you mean anything to him."

"That just shows how little you know him."

Smaug laughed. "My, he's taught you well. You must hate me as much as he does."

My dislike of Smaug was mostly rooted in my friends' plights, I'll grant you, but I didn't need to know them to be disgusted by his business tactics. Exploitation anyone? "I don't hate you. I hardly know you well enough for that. I'm just not excited about your existence."

This pause had so much subtext I could have written a saga. I eased my head around the edge of the desk. All I could see was his legs, but he was firmly in between me and the door.

Lovely. Wonderful.

"Tell me, how did the bankers rope you into this? You are not one of us."

"Well, there was an opening for the poster child of bad judgement. The dental's good and I get vacation days."

"Maybe they're the ones I should feel sorry for." He muttered to himself. "It must have been quite a trial putting up with your sass. Did you never learn tact?"

"Tact is for people not witty enough to understand sarcasm." I took a breath, flexed my fingers and put my Not So Brilliant, Mostly Just Desperate Plan into action. "Though  
I wasn't treated well by them. I really don't know why I'm still working for them..."

His legs snapped up as he came to attention though his voice was still calm. "Dissatisfied with your working conditions? Not surprising. The Durins never have appreciated what they hold."

A snarl twisted my lips. Unlike your magnificent self, you mean. Yeah right.

Alright, come on, Bea. Stroke his ego. "Well, I suppose so. I just think they've overstretched themselves on this. I mean, people merge companies all the time. Why should they be any different?"

Smaug chuckled. "I quite agree. Bunch of malcontents, them. This, all of this, is mine. They will not touch it. I will be only too happy to tell Oakenshield that. I will not part with a single dollar in this bank. Not one cent."

I rolled my eyes again. Were we five year olds on the playgrounds? Moommmm, Thorin's touching my stuff! Mooommmmm!

"Bea, my fair burglar, perhaps we can come to an arrangement."

Crossing my fingers and toes, I said, "Perhaps we can."

"There is no use pretending Oakenshield isn't nearby. Tell me where and I will hire you. Salaried. Full benefits. Top programmer. I'll even give you the keys to the company Lamborghini."

Yeesh, I should have gone on one of these adventures years ago. That made two job offers in less than a week. And apart from all the reasons why I would never work for Smaug, I was more of a Porsche girl. "What are you going to do with him?"

"Come to an arrangement about this ridiculousness over the bank. Nothing....uncivilized."

That covered a hell of a lot of territory. This was one of the reasons I wasn't a lawyer. I didn't have a way with words. "Well, if you promise not to hurt him...Can I stay here while you...err....talk?"

Smaug considered this for a moment. "Don't you want to meet me?"

Not even remotely. "I'd rather wait until...."

"Ah, very well. Swear you'll stay here though."

I recrossed my fingers hoping Karma accepted this cheat. "Absolutely. They are at the west entrance. We went in through an open window on the second floor by the fire escape."

"Clever." He wasted no more time, fairly bounding from the room. I gave him a two minute head start before I typed in another code and bolted for the stairs.

Half convinced I was going to run into Smaug on the stairs, I tried to walk quietly. I was on the third floor when I heard a roar from above below me.

I ran as quickly as I could before jumping down two flights of stairs with a scream as I landed hard on my feet. That was it, I was done with heights. I was going to go live in a hole.

Shaking the pain from my limbs, I stumbled forward. I wrenched open the hidden door just as I heard Smaug enter the stairwell.

It had been a calculated risk sending him down the same way I needed to go, but stars and stones, am I bad at math.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sass abounds!  
> As always, let me know what you think.  
> The password for the computers is Khuzdul and is one of my favorite insults ever.   
> I'm still deciding what to do about the next bit. What exactly shall happen in Erebor?


	23. Things Grow Dark and Desperate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Company enters Erebor, Bea sings a little ditty, and hope grows dim

A scream ripped through the tension that had settled on the men. I jumped to my feet before my brain caught up. Bea was in trouble!

I took two steps to the door when it burst open and she tumbled inside. The door thudded shut with a soft thump! I caught her as her legs folded, her face paler than paper.

"Bea! Are you- What happened?" With a hand beneath her knees, I swung her up into my arms. She was shaking so hard my teeth began to vibrate.

Bea mumbled something to my chest as the men crowded around us.

"What?"

"I. Hate. Heights."

Maybe there was a class I could take in deciphering Bea-speech. "No wonder your apartment is on the first floor, then."

"Are you alright, lassie?" Balin asked, white brows knitted in a frown.

Her smile seemed forced, but she said, "I'll be fine. You can set me down now, thank you."

I was strangely reluctant to set her down. It felt good to have someone trust me so completely. "Did you find the Arkenstone?"

"We need to leave." She said as though she hadn't heard me. "Smaug knows you're here and plans to rectify the situation with a flame thrower."

"Bea, are you listening? Did you get the last piece of the stone? We need the codes to get into the accounts. It's the only way to rally the bankers and shut down the financing of the Orcs." I placed both hands on her shoulders, forcing her to look at me.

"Thorin, did _you_ hear _me_? He has a _flamethrower_!"

"Bully for him." I snapped. Damn it. Why wouldn't she give me a straight answer?

Whatever she said in reply was drowned by a bellow of pure and utter fury. The foundations seemed to shake under the force of Smaug's rage. "THIEF!!!"

"Aw, he remembers me. Do you think he'll write me a letter of recommendation for the Thieves' Guild?" Though her tone was flippant, there was a brittle edge to her gaze.

"Thorin, please. He means to kill you. All of you."

"That isn't news, âmralimê." I said, hardly paying attention to my words. My concentration was focused on the door, our only barrier against Smaug.

"Amra-what?"

Oh, Mahal. That hadn't been what I meant to say.

Had it?

"Thorin! We need to figure out what we're going to do." Dwalin came over. I had never been so thrilled by his presence.

"Right. We need to draw him out. He's too entrenched in the bank." Bea tapped a hand thoughtfully on her chin. "Once we get him out, the federal authorities can arrest him. Or double tap him through the head."

Dwalin smiled. "Now you're thinking, Bea."

She shook her head. "No, I'm just terrified. We should let justice run its course. Murder never solves anything."

"As long as you're not suggesting we sit him down for tea and have a nice chat about poor choices in life." Bofur rolled his eyes.

"No, I've been doing some research and there are several warrants out for his arrest. Please, I'm not Canadian."

I collected the group and laid out my plan. Bea's face grew graver and graver as she listened, but no outbursts were forthcoming. Thank Mahal for small miracles.

Care taken with each step, we exited the grotto. Smaug had left the stairwell, delaying the inevitable confrontation. I sent Dwalin, my nephews, and Bifur to scout out where exactly the fiend was. The rest of us eased down the stairs, headed for the vaults.

I watched the men filter through the door opposite us. Trying to convince myself that I was doing the right thing, I said nothing. They would be fine. There were none more capable.

"This way." I took Bea's hand to help her down the stairs. She said she was fine, but one of her legs didn't want to support her weight.

"Thorin? Will you promise me something?"

We had come to a stop on the first landing while the others continued past. Three more flights to go. We had dug into the very heart of the mountain to find a place safe enough for ours and our clients' treasures. "Anything."

"If Smaug comes after us and I can't run, leave me behind."

" _What_?"

Serious gray eyes met mine. "You heard me. He won't kill me outright. He wants to know if I took anything, find out more about your plan. But he'll kill all of you without a second thought. Please, I would hate myself forever if I were the cause of your death."

"Bea, that's not going to happen."

"You don't know that!" Bea hissed. She drew herself up to her full height. The ends of her curls bristled at me in warning. Though heavy bags of exhaustion hung beneath her clear gaze and her face was pale with pain and fear, she had never been more beautiful. "Thorin, promise-"

I leaned forward and captured her mouth. My blood caught fire like dry grass from a lightning strike. Soft as sin, her lips demanded an urgency I was only too happy to supply. Teasing her lips open, I caught the small sound of surrender Bea made before I stole his first taste of her. Pure honeyed fire.

Her tongue touched mine tentatively and I growled, pulling her closer, wanting to share one skin. To be buried so deep within her that she shattered with pleasure. Until the press of memories and demons disappeared form both of us.

We came up for breath eons later. Resting my forehead on hers, I ran my thumbs up and down the elegant line of her neck. "I won't, Bea. I can't. Not if it means losing you."

Eyes closed, she nodded slowly. "Alright. Then this plan had better include all of us getting out of here alive. I won't settle for anything else, Thorin."

"Neither will I."

Clutching my hand like a life line, she started down the stairs again. I didn't breathe easier until she threw a bright smile over her shoulder. "I knew you would be a good kisser."

"It's one of my many talents."

"Do I get to know what these other talents are?" She laughed. For a golden moment, all was right with the world. Then she hissed in pain as her left ankle threatened to fold, and all I could see was skinning Smaug alive.

"Well, I do grill a mean steak." I strove to keep my voice light.

"Ooh, food." The same bedroom eyes she had made at me not a minute ago wafted back over her expression at the thought of a meal.

I shook my head wryly. At least she was easy to please.

We made it down to the vaults and still no call from the other group. What sort of game was Smaug playing?

"We need the third door." I told them. Balin was already heading there. "That's where we stored the weapons."

Unsurprisingly, Smaug had changed the combination, both electronic and manual, on the safe. So Bea set to work hacking through the electronic firewall, while Nori pulled out his stethoscope and charcoal pencil.

"Four levels of randomized keystroke passcodes? Yeesh." Bea muttered a few minutes later. "Next time I see Smaug I'm going to chuck a refrigerator at him."

"Why?" Bofur asked.

I groaned, getting the pun. "So he can chill."

The men shook their heads at her. She winked. "One day you lot are going to miss my jokes. I'm all set."

"Me too." Nori stepped back.

I wasn't sure whether to be impressed or worried by their talents of breaking and entering. That had taken under ten minutes.

"Wait!" I thrust out an arm to keep Ori from walking in. "Smaug might have changed the codes, but the doors haven't been opened since our family left. We had more than just locks guarding our treasure."

Everyone peered into the long, narrow room. Cold marble cloaked the walls and floors in a houndstooth pattern, alternating between rose and jet blocks. At the very end hung swords, knives, guns, rocket launchers, even a twentieth century machine gun used by one of my forefathers in the trenches.

Bella began to sing.

" _When you're feeling low, lower than the floor_  
_And you feel like you ain't got a chance._  
_Don't make a move, till you're in the groove._  
_And do the Peter Panda Dance!_ "

Dwalin gave her a very pained look. "What?"

"Oh, come on. That was a great movie. And this is just too ridiculous. You booby trapped your vaults?'

"What else would we do with them?" Nori demanded.

"I don't know? Keep them accessible to clients without them being worried about dismemberment?"

"Where's the fun in that?"

"What happens if you do something wrong?" She peered into the corridor.

"Dismemberment is about the right of it." I admitted. "Though, imagine the dismemberment happening with many sharp wires, lots of blood, and tiny pieces of skin."

"Lovely. I've always thought blood was underrated as an aesthetic."

"Come on, step where I step."

"Wait a second!" Bea grabbed my arm. "What if we lure Smaug down here, we'll be at the other end, he comes through and BAM! We have the making of minced meat pie."

I frowned as everyone appeared to consider it. "I am not letting him anywhere near my treasure."

"Thorin, don't be obtuse." Balin said. "He wouldn't make it anywhere near the treasure. Durin himself designed these safeguards."

"Besides, there's no gold in here. Just weapons." Gloin pointed out. "Well, unless you count the encrusted hilts of some of these swords."

"I will not tolerate one inch of his feet passing through this door." I snarled. "Anyone who wishes to allow otherwise should leave now." I stared down the long hallway. It was like something out of a dream. So long, I had been dreaming about this moment for so long. After all my parents and grandfather had gone through. What my brother had died for.

It was bad enough knowing Smaug was still alive and in the building, desecrating the halls of my ancestors. Now that we were finally here, I could set their memories to rest when I cast out that scourge.

"I think it's a worthwhile plan." Dwalin hedged after a moment.

When I turned to glare at him, he merely shrugged. "With your plan, he would have seen us, sure as death."

"Your faith staggers me. Now, _step where I step_."

Dutifully, they all fell in line behind me.

Giving my knuckles a mental crack, I took a deep breath and started forward.

Third tile from the right. Hop two times. The pressure plate clicked and I heard a wire snap. Good. I remembered this.

Black tile. Stoop low and avoid laser beam in eyes.

Bea screamed, the sound unnaturally short as she clamps her mouth shut. Her leg gave out and she wobbled precariously on one foot, ready to topple onto the wrong tile.

Bofur reached for her, but she was already tipping!

Horrified, in the front of the line I could only watch as in in slow-motion as she collapsed, hands going out instinctively to break her fall, one finger slipping across the line to the rose marble tile....

Dwalin reached over and snatched her out of the air. He tossed her over one shoulder. "Keep going, laddie. The sooner we reach the end, the better."

"Aye. Bea, are you alright?"

"Fine." If her voice had been stronger, I might have believed her, but her leg seemed to be cocked at an unnatural angle. As soon as we reached safety, I wanted Oin to have a look at that.

Heart still stuck in my throat, I continued forward. With every blink, I kept seeing her slip sideways. Had even one finger hit the marble tile, she would have lost the hand.

And it would have been my fault.

My fault. My fault. The words mocked me with each step I took until, finally, I reached the waxed wood floors of the armory.

Silently, the company stepped onto safe ground. I took Bea from Dwalin. I guided her onto a seat of a trunk full of grenades. What little color had been in her face was long gone. Her lips were pressed into a thin, white line.

The Pink Panther ring tone blasted through the room, echoing down the long hallway. Bea jumped, digging her phone out of her pocket. "Hello?"

Whoever was on the line spoke quietly enough I couldn't hear more than a mumble. All I could tell was that it was a male. Bea's knuckles turned white around my fingers as she closed her eyes.

"I understand." She hung up. Haunted eyes met mine. "That was Smaug."

"How did he get your number?" Oh, I was going to enjoy killing him.

"I used my phone to distract him earlier. Probably back traced me. He said that if we don't give ourselves up now, he's going to destroy Laketown. There is a military drone already on its way." Taking a deep breath, Bea leaned forward. She kissed me gently. "I'm sorry about this, Thorin."

"It's not your fau-"

Something hard hit my temple and the world went black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit shorter today. I think the end is going to come in short spurts of high action chapters so stay tuned! This will get dark and sad, I think, but never fear! The sass will return.  
> As always, I love to hear from you!


	24. The Descent Begins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The onset of gold sickeness

"Hey Bea! Check out what we found in Grandfather's locker!" Fili and Kili paraded past me. Green tights cloaked their legs. The fabric molded to their frame until I could see each leg in heightened distinction. And then some. 

"Wow. I think the fourteen hundreds called. They want their tights back." 

"No, it's a joke! We're Men in Tights!"

"Men in tights, TIGHT tights!" Fili even did the hip thrust. 

Giggling, I shook my head. "So which one of you has the key to a woman's chastity belt?" 

"Me. Definitely me." Kili said just as Fili nodded and pointed at himself. 

"Then I sincerely hope these are two different women." 

"Hey! I won the bet!" Kili stopped mid dance and pointed at me. "You and Uncle are a thing. Remember when I told you this was a good idea?" 

"Unfortunately, I didn't bet you anything." I told him. 

"You didn't but the other lads did. We're off." Fili replied. They marched around the corner, still singing under their breath. 

I waited until they were out of earshot before I returned to my computer screen. It had been a week since Smaug's body was unceremoniously dumped out of a window.   
Since then, the people of Laketown had come by asking for aid to rebuild their city after it was demolished by the drone strike. The consultants of Greenwood had stopped by, warning Thorin that if he didn't give them what had been promised to them by Thror, they would take the jewels by force.   
Thorin had replied less than favorably to both requests. So now we were forbidden to leave the bank. No one could go anywhere until the last piece of the Arkenstone was found. 

My program was running through all of Erebor's files to appease Thorin. It was all he could think about. He alternated between staring at the rotating numbers and spending hours in the vaults, obsessed with the piles of gold bars and boxes of cash. 

I knew the program wouldn't find anything. I had been very thorough in deleting it. With each passing day, I became less and less sure that I should give the Arkenstone to him. 

I had thought the hardest thing in my life would be the days after my parents' funeral. The utter loss, the crushing guilt. 

But I had been wrong. This, watching Thorin go slowly out of his mind with paranoia and greed and fear....this was agony. 

He listened to me more than he did anyone else, but it was all I could do to get him to eat and sleep on a somewhat regular basis. He wouldn't listen to anyone else, convinced someone was betraying him. 

I couldn't take anymore of this. I had to do something. 

"What is that?" 

Jumping out of my skin, I toppled out of my chair. I landed painfully on my sprained ankle. 

"Mahal, Bea. I'm sorry." Gentle hands pulled me back upright. Thorin brushed hair from my face as he set me in the chair. "Are you alright?" 

I nodded, the racing of my heart precluding any speech. He held me close until I was breathing normally again. 

"What are you looking at?"

I tugged the computer closer. "It's nothing. Beorn gave me some seedlings for my window boxes from the garden. He sent them home for me, and my neighbor planted them since I didn't know how long I'd be gone for. He just sent me a picture." 

"They're beautiful." 

I smiled at the screen, keeping my arms around his neck. Lilacs and grape hyacinths and honeysuckle. The colors burst from the picture. "Thanks. I think I'm going to start a huge garden. You know, grow some of my own produce." 

"You're so adorable." For a few minutes, the manic light disappeared from his gaze as we talked about normal things, things far removed from death and grief and despair. 

Pulling him close for a kiss, I whispered over his lips, "I am not adorable. Bunnies are adorable. I am fierce." 

Thorin laughed and closed the distance. Each time he had kissed me before, they had been gentle, getting to know you kisses. This was nothing like those. Hard, bruising, hot, his mouth took possession of mine, branding his touch onto my soul. 

"Thorin..." I whispered as he pulled back slightly. 

His hand cupped my chin. the tips of his fingers trembling. "Bea. Bea, I feel like I'm about to drown and you're the only one keeping me adrift." 

Tears splashed down my cheeks. "I won't let you drown, Thorin, but you have to trust me." 

He let out a long sigh. "I do, Bea. You're the only one I trust." 

"Then, please, talk to Bard. You pledged money to them and they're in a desperate way. I know you care, Thorin. Families and children." 

I swear he was about to agree as he watched me closely, his head already halfway in a nod, when Dwalin burst into the room. 

"Greenwood advancing! They have tanks!" 

Thorin shot to his feet. "Faithless cowards. Prepare everyone for a fight. We won't let anyone close to the front door, let alone the vaults. I want two men with snipers in the upper levels and-" 

I slammed my head into the desk as they walked away. So damned close!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look at me on a roll!   
> The last bit of the story is going to come in short segments, I think. We'll see how it goes.


	25. Betrayal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Arkenstone is found...sort of

The consultants and their tanks sat outside the bank all evening and into the night. The people of Laketown joined them, waving sticks and half drowned pistols in our direction. 

Pitiful. As if that would be capable of breaching the defenses of Erebor. 

And what did they expect? Without the complete Arkenstone, we couldn't give them what had been promised. What good did bars of gold do them when they needed cold, hard cash to rebuild their town? 

Bea did have a point in that they didn't necessarily know we didn't have the Arkenstone and that I should go talk to them. But what if something happened while I was away? 

What if they did found a way in and took the crew as payment for my sins? What if they hurt her? I would never forgive myself if Bea was brought to harm because of me. Not now that we were finally safe. 

Well, as safe as we could be with an army on our doorstep. 

Dwalin shook me roughly awake the next morning. I had only caught a few hours of sleep, not resting until Bea came to bed. She had been up most of the night staring at the computer screen as her program tried to find the last piece of the Arkenstone. 

Blearily, I rubbed at my eyes with one hand, keeping Bea curled into my side with the other. She woke up slowly as we both peered at Dwalin. 

"They've sent a messenger. He says he has an ultimatum." 

"Tell him to come back with normal tomatoes for breakfast." Bea mumbled, snuggling back into the covers. 

I smiled, and nodded to Dwalin. As he left the room, I tugged the blankets from her grasp. We had taken over my grandfather's private apartments. It was the closest to the main computers so I could keep an eye on our accounts. 

She made a face at me. "It's not even morning yet." 

"The clock says otherwise, âmralimê." 

For some reason, that made her flinch, the teasing light disappearing from her face. Bea grew grave, touching my face lightly. "Thorin, everything I do, I do it so you'll be happy and safe." 

Reverently, I kissed her. It had been a very long time since anyone had wanted to protect me. I was the one everyone leaned on. It was nice to have support of my own. "I know. I do the same, Bea." 

We headed down to the balcony together. I set three men on either side to set up rifles. Bard and that asshat Thranduil sat atop four wheelers below us. Bard nodded respectfully, but the consultant merely looked bored. 

"Thorin, we come to ask you one last time to honor your word. Will you have peace or war?" 

I glanced about the rugged terrain. The consultants and fishermen outnumbered us. Refusing them would be a poor choice right now. 

But then...movement fluttered at the edge of my eye. A white helicopter was coming in, closer and closer. 

I bared my teeth in a grin. "I will not part with a single cent of my money to people who us only harm." 

"Then you have forsaken sense." Gandalf stepped out from behind Thranduil. "There is more at risk here than you understand." 

I barely heard him. The helicopter made to land and I could hear the rumble of cars behind it.

Dain had come. 

I glanced back down to the men. "I will have war, nonetheless." 

Bea's hand jerked in mine, but she didn't say anything. No one did. All of my men had gone still. 

Bard sighed. "Very well. I hadn't wished to do this, but you leave me no choice." He reached into the saddlebag and pulled out a laptop. Tapping a few keys, he pulled up something off a golden flashdrive and pivoted the screen to me. "We will give you back the Arkenstone if you stand down and let us come into to talk." 

I peered at him, but Bard seemed dead serious. "That's not possible. The Arkenstone remains in these computers." 

"I assure you, it does not. Would you like me to tell you the names of your inner most firewalls?' 

The men looked at each other, rifles lowering slightly. 

"Keep them up!" I barked. "This is some sort of trick." 

"It's not, Thorin." Bea said quietly. "I gave it to them last night. Please, let them come in and talk. It will cost you nothing!" 

Had I a million years to think, never would I have thought of this. Bea had given them the Arkenstone? She had betrayed me? Don't be ridiculous. 

I looked her full in the face, saw the tears slowly cascading from her eyes, the determination, the pain. She wasn't kidding. Bea had betrayed me. 

My world imploded and all thought ceased.


	26. The Jump

The pain blazing in Thorin's eyes froze my tongue. A thousand excuses and jokes bounced around in my mouth, but I couldn't get the words out. The men around us backed away, sensing a storm about to break. 

"Thorin..." I forced the words out, each one tearing a searing hole in my soul. "Hate me if you wish, but I did this for you. For the men. There are Orcs coming this way as we speak. Please, you are stronger than this. I know you are." 

 

 

For a moment, Bea's words penetrated. Made sense. She would only have done this if it was the only way. Her opal eyes widened in a silent plea. Their glittering depths pulled me in. Sense teetered on my lips and then Thranduil moved from down below. He peered at the files of the Arkenstone, a smug sneer playing around his mouth. 

I glanced back at Bea and the darkness swallowed me. She had given my enemies my treasure. It wasn't safe. None of us were. 

"Throw the thief from the balcony."

 

 

Mouths dropped open. None of the men made a move toward me. I could practically see my grandfather's eyes bug out from his head. 

"If you don't like my choice in hacker, Thorin, that is fine. But you must return her in one piece." 

Thanks, Grandpa. 

When none of the bankers moved to follow Thorin's order, he advanced on me. An ugly snarl split his face. "Remove yourself from my presence forever or I will throw you off myself." 

I smiled through my tears. "As you wish." 

Deeming it best not to look down, I stepped up onto the railing. Teeth clenched over a scream, I jumped.


	27. Transitions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bea leaves Erebor and Thorin receives a message as a battle rages on his doorstep

My father was a television channel surfer. Drove Mom up a freaking wall, but I can honestly say I have seen fifteen seconds of every movie and show known to the American television audience.

A fact I have never been more grateful for than today. Years ago, Dad and I were watching an episode of that spy show, _Alias_ , and the tech geek saved his life and that of Jennifer Garner's character by sewing a parachute into his jacket lining.

Now, call me paranoid, but given the height of this building and the way the winds had started to blow, literally and metaphorically, I thought it might be an admirable precaution to make sure I could leave any room in a hurry.

Leaping from the balcony, I plummeted faster than the hero ever seems to in the movies. Frantic, I pulled at the cord masquerading as a pocket zipper. One yank...Two...

The parachute unfurled behind me with a sharp SNAP! It caught the air and slowed my fall down just enough that I hit the ground without breaking any bones though I felt the impact rattle my teeth.

Grandpa leaped forward and helped me untangle myself. With a quick flick of his knife he cut the strings of the chute. As I clambered to my feet, he threw and arm around my shoulders and hurried me forward.

 _Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't_ \- I looked back. Had Thorin even looked to see if I landed alright? That I wasn't laying in a broken heap beneath his imperious gaze?

Twelve agonized faces stared at me, all of them breaking into smiles of relief as I tried to give them a reassuring smile. Thorin was still there, watching me, but there was no relief on his face. Only wrath.

 

******

"Bea, is there any way you can-"

"Not if you keep distracting me and peering over my shoulder." I snapped at Bard, fingers flying across the tablet's keyboard.

"Look, the Orcs are attacking from two fronts. The Elves and the bankers are managing to keep them from breaking through and slaughtering us all, but my people are much more vulnerable than anyone understands. If you can't get this to work and quickly, then-"

"SHUT UP, BARD!" As if I wasn't aware of the stakes. But if I managed this, then maybe I could save us all. Even those idiots in Erebor.

Come on, come on. Almost there.....just three more firewalls.

My heart pounded so rapidly I began to see black dots swim before my eyes. If I couldn't make this work....

 

****

A message flashed across the screen. In the dim recess of my mind, the one part that had yet to be consumed by this blackness, I felt a spark of joy. It was from Bea.  
Thank the gods, she was alright.

 _Not for much longer if you stay holed up in here. The Orcs are winning the day and you are doing nothing to help._ My conscience whispered.

Almost as soon as it had spoken, the blackness swallowed it. I couldn't leave the bank. I couldn't leave it unprotected. Fili and Kili and the others begged and pleaded and threatened for the chance to join the fight. I knew I should let them go, but the words never formed correctly in my mouth. Did they not understand that we already had what we were fighting for?

Didn't we?

How long I stared at the message icon I don't know. Minutes, hours, days. Time had no meaning to me. Only the blinking envelope and the battle raging inside my head mattered.

_Thorin, everything I do, I do it so you'll be happy and safe._

_Sleep, Bea. You too, I'll protect you._

_Promise to be careful?_

The snatches of memory, of Bea, my beautiful, protective and adorably fierce Bea, zapped through my veins. All of the gold in this bank, all of the commas and decimals places couldn't hold a torch to the treasure I already found. 

Found and then lost.

Mahal above, I was an idiot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh! So sorry for the gap between updates. July was a bit busier than expected.  
> Should be wrapping this up soon! Lots of feels coming up!  
> Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to read this so far. All of you, even if you think I'm nuts, mean the world to me.  
> I hope you're having as much fun with this ridiculous AU as I am.


	28. The Battle Begins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Comments from Fili and Kili, Thorin watches Bea's message, and Bea puts her plan into action before things go south quickly.

What were they going to do? 

Fili and Kili were in the unenviable position of deciding between becoming blood traitors or bystanders to a massacre. Kili stood on the balcony, silent tears coursing down his face as he watched Death claim life after life. He was certain Bea would come back, that she would convince Uncle to see sense. 

Fili just hoped she came back, sense talking or no. Growing up as a social pariah of exiled bankers hadn't exactly allowed him to make many friends. Bea was the first real friend he had outside of the family. When she and Uncle finally got along, he had begun to imagine her staying with them after retaking Erebor. She would teach he and Kili how to code while they taught her how to fight. And when Uncle and Mom got into one of their We Know Best moods, she could charm them out of it, or at the very least, join he and Kee on an impromptu trip to Anywhere But Here. 

But she was gone. And it was their fault. None of them had stepped forward to stop Uncle from kicking her out. No one had been brave enough to run after her. 

Bofur snuck out the front door to examine the ground under the balcony, half convinced they hadn't really seen her walk away from that jump. 

"We have to do something." He and Kili spoke at the same time. 

A reluctant smile curved his mouth. He would always have his brother's support. That much he was always sure of in this world. "Yes. Come on. Let's go knock some sense into Uncle." 

****

Bea's face filled the screen. She appeared to be in one of the Elves' command tents. Pale, determined, and exhausted, she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. 

"Thorin! Please, don't delete this. I know you're royally pissed at me, and I understand why, but this has nothing to do with me. The Orcs have come, which, I'm sure you've noticed if you still have eyes in your head. But what I have to tell you- BANG!" Bea dove out of sight. Through the flap of the tent, I saw dirt fly in every direction as the missile exploded. 

"Get out of there, Bea." I growled even though I knew she couldn't hear me. It was a message, not a live Skype session. 

Eyes wide, she moved back into view. "Thorin, Azog and Bolg are here! They're coming straight at you. They've realized the bank is only guarded by a few people. You have to get out of there. I have a plan that will buy you some time, but as soon as you get this, you have to leave! Please!" 

BOOM! Bea screamed. The computer slid sideways and the video feed fractured into gray static. 

"BEA!" I bellowed, but it was no use. 

Rocketing to my feet, I shut down all the computers, grabbed my gun and sword, and strode from the room. 

"UNCLE!" Fili and Kili marched determinedly down the hallway. "We must fight!"

"I will not sit in here like a child while others fight our battles!" Kili snapped. 

"We started this. It is up to us to see it through." Fili agreed in a quieter, if no less fierce, tone. 

Here were two more I had wronged. Dis had been correct. This place was cursed. But no longer. "Yes, it is. Gather your gear and the men. We are going to make a fight of this." 

Huge smiles split their faces, a counterpoint to the dread unfurling in my gut. No, I would not let anything happen to them. Azog could torture me for years before I let anyone touch my nephews. 

 

***

What kind of bank had four tanks in its basement? Not that I was complaining, mind. It might just be the way to keep everyone alive. 

Finishing the last few lines of code, I did a quick scan for any misplaced commas or commands, and hit SEND. 

Now I just had to warn Thorin about Azog and Bolg. Here's to hoping he actually watched the message and didn't delete it out of hand. 

I was recording the warning when the first missile hit. Nearly done, I righted the camera once I regained my feet and tried to finish the message. Then came another impact, the concussive shock wave slamming into me, making my heart ram against my ribs, a horrible, ripping pain, and engulfing blackness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I say this a lot, but I'm going to do my best to get the next bits out quickly. We're in the home stretch! 
> 
> Thanks to a wonderful reader for requesting the bankers' (or at least some of them) reactions to Bea's jump. Hope you like it!


	29. Enemies Meet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thorin and Azog settle old grievances

Dain's lines were in chaos. Grenades exploded every few feet, throwing men and Orcs alike flying. Blood drenched the once pristine stone paths. Death would be busy tonight collecting all of these souls.

"Dain!'

"THORIN!" My cousin barreled his way toward me. We hugged roughly as the battle raged around us. "Do you have a plan?"

"Aye. Azog and Bolg are headed to the building. We destroy them."

"Cut the head off the snake." Dain grunted. "I like it. What do you need?"

A distraction for our movements came before Dain could rally his men. The underground parking structure that took up the northeast corner of Erebor opened, the metal grate rattling up into the ceiling. Up the ramp marched four military tanks, their gun turrets pointing towards the Orcs.

They gained the level ground and rolled forward. The battle paused for several seconds as everyone stopped to gape at the enormous tanks. Who the hell was driving them?

A click, a whir, and then fire and Death belched out of the tanks. Orcs scattered, throwing themselves off the cliffs into the water to avoid the missiles and armor piercing rounds that erupted from the main guns.

"Holy fuck." Dwalin muttered beside me. "That's her idea of a distraction?"

I laughed. "Yes, yes it is. Come on, let's not waste it. Those tanks don't have terribly much ammunition."

"Ten bucks says she programmed them to just run over people after they run out." Fili grinned.

No one took the bet. For a Shireling, Bea was surprisingly blood thirsty.

"Come on, we shouldn't waste such an opportunity." I put my nephews and Dwalin in motion, leaving the rest of the army in Dain's capable hands.

We reached the statues guarding the entrance to Erebor before we saw them. Bolg and Azog. The filth.

Bolg fought off a determined pair of Elves, one of whom had startling red hair and looked rather familiar. The connection had just clicked when Kili let out a roar of challenge and ran straight into the fight as the red head went down.

"KILI!" I bellowed. No use. Well, I couldn't really blame him. Not knowing where Bea was, dead or alive, was a horrible pain gnawing at my heart.

Fili blanched, glancing between Azog and Bolg.

"Go. You two take out Bolg. We'll get Azog."

He was gone before the last word left my mouth. He would make a great CEO one day, loyal to a fault.

Exchanging hand signs, Dwalin and I separated. Azog was mine. He would deal with the Goblins threatening our flanks. The pale Orc was paying little attention to his surroundings, considering instead a window on the first floor. He had another thing coming if he thought he was going to set one foot inside my building.

"That woman of yours is gorgeous." Azog said calmly to the building as I approached him. "Especially when she's covered with blood."

 _Don't rise to the bait, don't rise...Bea's fine. She's with Gandalf_. I strode closer, sword drawn.

"Tell me, do you think she's scream when I take her as my prize? Maybe she'll beg for you to save her. I will relish telling her that you are dead."

"Last time I looked, I was still alive."

"Perhaps you should look again." Azog whirled, hand flying to the holster at his hip.

I dove to the side. The bullet grazed my arm, pain skittering across my senses, but I kept moving. More bullets whined through the air toward me, but Azog didn't take the time to set up his aim properly. The chamber of his pistol clicked to empty and I surged to my feet.

He wanted to play dirty? Fine by me.

Drawing my gun, I leveled the barrel and pulled the trigger. A bullet slammed into Azog's chest, just above his heart. It did nothing to slow him down. He lowered his head and charged me like a bull. I threw my gun to the side, strengthened my grip on the sword, and ran forward to meet him.

The fight was quick and brutal. Azog had a machete and he knew how to use it. Each time we clashed, we both came away bleeding more. Blood seeped steadily from my abdomen. I wouldn't be conscious for much longer. I needed to end this.

When he attacked next, my foot slipped on a loose rock and I fell. Twisting, I managed to keep his blade from slicing my throat, but it dragged straight over my chest.  
I clenched my teeth over a roar of pain. Sensing weakness, Azog drew back his blade in preparation for the kill shot. Though it was going numb, I managed to twist my left arm beneath me to grab the hard object I had fallen on.

Wait for it...My vision was going black...wait....

The machete descended as I pulled the gun out from under me. One tug and a bullet shot straight into that cold, malicious face. The blade thumped into my chest as Azog crumbled.

Darkness descended over my swelling feel of triumph. My family would be safe. Azog would plague us no more. The world faded from view and I embrace the end-for surely that is what this was- as an old friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah! The climax.  
> I shall do my best not to leave this cliffhanger too long. If I don't have the next update here by this weekend, someone smack me through the Internet.


	30. Reading and Dreaming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of the Battle of Five Armies

Consciousness came in went in blurry snapshots. The bright blue sky. Screams that sounded like my name. Hands pulling and tugging me somewhere else.

I slipped under again.

_"What's the prognosis?" A woman's voice asked, tense and familiar._

_"Critical, but stable for the moment, ma'am." An unfamiliar male tone. "We will keep him in ICU for a while longer until he's downgraded."_

_"And you think he will be?"_

_"I think...I think you should make your peace either way."_

_A door opening and closing, a stifled sob._

 

_"Chapter One. The Boy Who Lived." The female voice was back, soothing and measured. I latched onto the voice, willing it to never stop._

_"Thorin, please, I know you hate me, but you have to hang on. If not for me, then for your family. Fili and Kili and Dis. Dwalin is going insane. He thinks he failed you. Please, come back."_

_"Chapter One. Owl Post."_

 

The dream faded from memory as I struggled to remain cognizant. The bed beneath me was new and something beeped rhythmically nearby. An astringent smell burned my nose, but the room nevertheless felt stale.

Everything hurt: breathing, lying still, twitching my finger...

Eons later I managed to pry my eyes open. I was in a hospital?

Turning my head became a monumental task, but I sensed someone next to me. The lights blaring out in the corridor announced I was in ICU. Despite the restrictions on visiting, I had a guest.

Bea sat curled in a stiff-backed chair, reading a book propped on her legs. She was in mid-sentence, reading aloud to me. So I hadn't dreamed that. The book in her lap was _Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire_. How long had I been unconscious?

Her hand was entangled with mine on the bed. I squeezed it as best I could since words were beyond me at the moment.

Her head jerked up, eyes slamming into mine. "Thorin!"

Mahal, Bea looked awful. She should be the one in a hospital bed. A nasty cut split her face from her left temple all the way to that tempting mouth. It looked like it was healing well, but it would scar. Black circles hung beneath her clear gaze and she was too pale.

Azog hadn't been joking, the rat bastard. Bea had been injured. I should have gone directly to her, I should have-

"Thorin, get some rest. You're still healing."

"H...How long?" I forced the words out of my mouth. Even moving my tongue hurt.

"Have you been here? Two weeks. You lost a lot of blood and your abdominal wall was ruptured. You almost went septic. Yesterday you were finally listed as stable. The doctors are hoping to move you out of ICU tomorrow if you remain conscious for long periods of time."

"How...are...you...here?"

"Please. Hacking into the hospital security system was child's play. I didn't like the idea of you here by yourself." Her sharp eyes flickered across my face and the light in her expression dimmed. "Ah, right. I'll go. I promised Dis I'd tell her the instant you woke up. Take care of yourself, Thorin." She stood and kissed my forehead, careful to avoid any of the wounds I felt pulsing against my skull. "You've finally achieved your dream and I can't think of anyone more worthy."

"Bea." I whispered, the peace of sleep attempting to drag me under again now that I knew she was safe. But I had to tell her. "I'm...sorry."

She smiled, one hand on the door. "Don't be. You've changed my life, Thorin Oakenshield. I owe you more than I can explain for that. Goodbye."

The door clicked shut and I realized that all of my injuries had been but mild irritants. Watching Bea walk away....this was real pain. This was agony.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm mean, but I'm not that mean. :) I love AUs where everyone lives. Reading the books and watching the movies are too tough to write about it again. 
> 
> As always, let me know what you think!  
> Only a few more posts to go and then this wonderful adventure will be over. Many thanks to everyone who has read and commented! I couldn't have done this without you!


	31. The Joys of Friendship and the Trials of Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beatrice decides it is time to leave, only to come home to an unusual sight.

Leaning against the wall in the ICU hallway, I fought back a fresh wave of tears. That was all I seemed to do these days: cry. No, damn it. I knew this was what I had to do. 

"Just be strong and be brave." I whispered to myself. Alright. I could do this. 

The whole waiting room looked up when I slipped back through the secure doors. It was barely six in the morning so our company had monopoly on the room. Thorin's sister, and Fili and Kili's mother, Dis was the first to reach me. 

"What-" 

"He's awake." I smiled. "If you want to go back, I'll swivel the cameras." 

"Definitely. Thank you, Beatrice." She kissed my cheek and headed for the doors. Dis was a force of nature and none of us, not even the hospital staff were stupid enough to get in her way. 

I pulled out my phone, tweaked a few lines of code in the hospital network, and she was clear. 

Hiding a deep breath, I turned to the men. "Guys..." 

Kili engulfed me in a hug before I could finish. He hugged me so tightly I felt my ribs creak. "When I apply for college, can I give you a call? For tips and advice and such?" 

"If you don't, I'll be crushed. Anything you need, love." I kissed his cheek and hugged him close. Oh dear. Tears were threatening again. 

One by one, they all embraced me. It had been a long time since I had been a part of something bigger than myself, been a part of a family. I was going to miss these men more than I could say. 

Fili was the last one. I had to rise up on my toes to kiss his cheek. When had he gotten so tall? "Take care-" 

"Of them. I know. I'll watch out for Uncle and Kee." 

"No, I meant, take care of yourself. Not everything falls onto your shoulders. Remember to think of yourself sometimes." I told him. 

Fili took a deep breath and nodded. "I'm going to miss you, Bea." 

As I grabbed my bag that I had brought to the hospital last week to avoid spending time away from Thorin in transport, I tried to force words to the top of my tongue. "Any time you find yourself in the Shire, please stop by. Tea is at four...don't bother to knock." 

They all smiled, tears rolling down Ori's face, as I waved, the smile coming easier to my face as I took one last look at them. Friendship, they had taught me, was not dependent upon proximity. The memories we had shared would last for a lifetime. 

Alright. I could do this. One step at a time. Home was calling. 

 

I have never, in all my life, been so excited to see my front door. The comforting green finally came into sight when my sore feet refused to walk one more step. Gods, it was so good to be home. Patting my pocket to feel the comforting blip of the golden flashdrive, I let out a relieved sigh and headed forward, shouldering my bag.   
Gandalf had walked most of the length of the city before business drew him away. He was still dealing with the economic whiplash of having EreborInc return to the financial markets. We had spent most of the trip in companionable silence, each of us lost in our memories. 

When we stopped at Rivendell for dinner, Elrond had tried once again to recruit me, but I had decided that now was not the time to jump back into coding. I needed time to come to terms with m new directions in life. Still, I was welcome there any time, which was always nice to hear. Then, there had been a pitstop to pick up the last of the treasure we had taken from the Trolls, and then my grandfather had left. 

The door swung open as I leaned against it, making me jump back in alarm. I know I locked it when I left. Why on earth was it open now? Was I being robbed? 

The answer, it turned out, was yes. 

After a fashion. 

"LOBELIA SACKVILLE-BAGGINS!" I shrieked, my bag thunking to the ground at my feet as I lowered the gun Dwalin had insisted I take. 

Everyone jumped, guilty expressions flickering across my extended family and neighbors' faces. Half of everything I owned was packed into boxes scattered about the living room. The remaining half appeared to be up for grabs in the assembled crowd. My landlord was presiding over the rabble like an auctioneer. 

My cousin Lobelia whirled around, the silver spoons I had inherited from our grandmother flying from her grasp. "Beatrice!" 

"What is going on? Thaddeus if you do not get your hands off my books, I will ensure that you no longer have hands with which to touch things." I snarled. 

"Apologies, Miss Bea. We thought you were dead." He cringed. 

I blinked. "Dead?" 

"Well, you've been gone for a month- with no note explaining your absence- and there was that huge battle across the Lake and we thought, we assumed, you had gone gallivanting off into-" Lobelia started to explain. 

"I did not go gallivanting off. I had my phone with me the entire time. You could have called." 

"Er...yes...well," her husband Otho stammered. "We were just so worried!" 

Worried they might not see a penny if my will was processed before they had time to clear out my apartment. 

"Yes, I gathered. As you can see, I'm in perfect health and am not dead. Kindly stop attempting to rob me and leave. It seems I have some unpacking to do." 

"Where have you been? Who have you been with?" 

"Off on business. With Thorin's company." 

"Thorin? Who is he?" Lobelia asked, peering closely at me. 

My mouth opened, but nothing came out. How could I sum up Thorin in mere words? He was....He was my laughter and pain and....he was everything. Each second knowing he hated me was white fire bursting through my veins. Each second without his hand in mine was agony. 

Instead of answering, I just turned to the others and glared until they put down whatever it was they were holding. 

Well, most of them did. 

"I paid good money for that!" Malcom Proudfoot said hotly when I tugged my jade vase from China out of his grasp. 

"Malcom, do you know how to fire a gun?" I asked sweetly. 

"No, of course not." 

"Well, I have recently learned, and they say practice is key. Perhaps you'd be willing to let me demonstrate?" 

That cleared everyone out in a heartbeat, though I had to check my dear cousins' pockets for hidden utensils (I found the matching forks in Otho's sweater vest). Eventually, I was left standing in an apartment that had once seemed so cozy, once so comfortable, but now felt...hollow. Somehow I didn't think that was just because of the boxes. 

Lobelia paused in the doorway and looked back at me. "I hope you know what you're doing, Beatrice Baggins. This Thorin Oakenshield sounds like the type to completely change your life and then leave you adrift in uncertain waters." 

"You say that as if it is a bad thing, Lobelia. Change is not always evil." Though at the moment, with a horrible ache growing in my chest with each minute that passed, I didn't know how convincing I sounded. Gods, I sounded like one of those sappy people in books who can't even go ten seconds without seeing their One True Love. I had thought they had always exaggerated the depth of the feelings of love. Now I knew better. 

Oh, you know what, screw it. I had found a man I could love and then I had lost him. Sometimes Doing the Right Thing only left you with heartache. I was entitled to my sadness. And to quote a great man, not all tears are an evil. 

"Hmm." Lobelia sniffed and left. 

Falling into the nearest chair, I buried my face in my hands and cried.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter and we will have reached the end of this crazy adventure!


	32. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And it ends with a song...

I had been out of the hospital two days. I had been walking for one. Every step cause pain to ricochet through me until I was positive I was going to tip over, but I hardly felt it. The pain was secondary to the anxiety gnawing at my gut. Speeches I had prepared on the long drive here rotated through my mind, but none of them seemed quite right. I'd have to wing it.

Since that usually worked so well for me. As my sister so kindly reminded me, I was stilted at best, taciturn at worst when I tried to express myself.

No matter what happened, I had to try. An explanation burned my tongue. I wouldn't be able to rest until I gave it voice.

Striding through the rambunctious crowd, I stopped to give the bride and groom my best wishes though I had never met them before in my life, before I found my target. Beatrice sat at a round table, watching the dancers at her cousin's wedding. The green dress she wore brought out the emerald in her gaze and turned her hair to rich auburn in the late afternoon sunlight. The cut across her face was healing well, doing nothing to diminish the laughter in her eyes as another one of her endless relatives told her a joke.

I made it within ten feet of the table before she spotted me. Bea jumped to her feet, eyes running over me as though wondering if I were real.

"Thorin! What are you doing here? Are you alright? Why aren't you in the hospital?"

The hip hop song ended and the DJ switched instead to something slow and lyrical. I bowed slightly to Bea, ignoring my stomach muscles that screamed in protest. "Mistress Baggins. May I have this dance?"

She just gaped at me. Just in case the Four Horsemen were about to arrive since Bea had been rendered speechless, I waited a beat before taking her hand and drawing her onto the dance floor. When I didn't hear any hoof beats, I relaxed. Never hurt to be sure. Smiling at her surprise, I guided her hand to my shoulder and drew her close.

"Thorin..." Bea glanced at her feet and cleared her throat. "What are you doing here?"

"We have unfinished business."

The woman in my arms flinched violently, the bright light in her gaze disappearing beneath the weight of shadows and memory. "Oh. Right. Um. I put the Arkenstone back on Erebor's computers before I left and wiped it from Bard's. No one else has access to it or any copy of it. You don't have to worry about that."

I blinked. What?

"And, please, don't feel like you owe me any money. I won't take it."

Just when I had hope that I might be able to salvage this, I realized just how deeply I had hurt Bea. "No, that's not what I came here to talk about. I don't give a damn about the Arkenstone."

She stopped mid-waltz. The abrupt change caught me off guard. I kept moving and she didn't. I nearly danced right into the couple next to us while Bea got mowed over by another pair.

Yes, this was going smoothly.

Catching her back against me, I swept her away from further harm. Mahal above, it felt good to hold her again. "Bea, about what happened, I'm sorry. So damned sorry. No, don't say anything. I thought the Arkenstone was the magical cure-all to everything that was wrong with my life- the fear, the doubt, the stigma. It was a hope that had sustained me through the last several years of my life, and giving it up was a kind of failure in my eyes, even if I did have Erebor. But then I realized-"

Tears splashed down from that magical gaze. "Thorin, it's alright, really, I understand."

"No, I want to explain. I realized that Erebor was no longer my dream. All I wanted to do was do right by my family. I thought if I could control everything around me, maybe then I could keep everything and not sacrifice the one thing in my life that was good. But I tried too hard, I panicked, and I hurt you. There aren't enough years in the life of the earth for me to make up for hurting you."

We swayed across the floor in silence for a long moment.

"I accept your apology. Don't let this eat you up. You need to move on. Please, for me. I don't want to torture you." Bea finally smiled though it was tinged with sadness.

I let out a long breath. That was more than I could ever have hoped for. But, if she let me, I would use every day to make her happy. "Bea, there's one more thing."

The smile disappeared. "Oh. Alright."

"Bea, I have no right to ask this of you, but I want to another chance with you. I don't care if that means giving up Erebor. Fili's more than ready to handle it if I consult with him. I know how much you love your apartment. I don't care if we end up on the street, as long as I'm with you."

She said nothing.

Yeah, and who could blame her? "That's fine. I understand. Just promise me one thing?" I took a step back, releasing her. "Be happy, Bea. That's all I want for you."

She didn't release my hands. "Thorin, do you recognize this song?"

I listened for a moment. It brought back memories of sitting on the couch with my young nephews watching movies on the VCR. "Is it from _Disney_?"

_Tale as old as time..._

" _Beauty and the Beast_ , actually. I think it's rather appropriate."

The brilliance of her smile left me breathless. She couldn't mean....

_Song as old as rhyme_

"The only question is, who's the beauty and who's the beast?"

I snorted. "I think that's rather obvious, Bea."

"Hah. You've obviously forgotten how I am in the morning before coffee."

Leaning down, I pressed my forehead against hers and bared my soul. "I love you, Beatrice Baggins."

_Beauty and the Beast..._

"I love you, too." She rose up on her toes and kissed me. "And don't think for a minute you're giving up Erebor for me. I don't mind commuting."

"We'll figure it out." I promised her. Together, we could do anything. "As long as you're happy."

_Beauty and the Beast!_

"I am, Thorin. I am."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're done! I can't honestly tell you how much I have enjoyed writing this. It got rather ridiculous at points, but I learned so much and had a blast.  
> Thank you to everyone who has read this, even a small section, and many many thanks and hugs to those who have taken the time to comment. I glow every time I read one, no matter what they say.  
> It's been a crazy adventure, but one which I think Bilbo would approve.


End file.
